283 hits
"And I'm not all that decent and honorable. I'm merely well-bred, which I hope is a tolerable substitute."-- Anne Rice (Ramses the Damned)
Lies, damned lies and user documentation.
Love thine enemies... it really pisses them off.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
QUOTE OF THE DAY: `
Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.
Renning's Maxim: Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
Music soothes the savage beast. ...unless it's polka.
"All the people stared as if we were both quite insane."-- The Hollies
Monday is the root of all evil.
A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune.
He who hesitates is a damned fool.-- Mae West
Eat a live toad in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Domestication is the enemy of romance.
Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend--or a meaningful day.-- The Dalai Lama ("Time," 11 April 1988)
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
"Well, to be fair I did have a couple of gadgets he probably didn't, like a teaspoon and an open mind."-- The Doctor
In the beginning was the word, and the word was "aardvark".
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while Nature cures the disease.-- Voltaire
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
He who laughs last found the dirty meaning.
"The first 80% of software development is the easy part. The hard part is the next 80%"
America was founded by drug smugglers -- rum was the drug, but smugglers nonetheless.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.-- Blaise Pascal
The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
"Sometimes the need to mess with their heads outweighs the millstone of humiliation."-- Fox Mulder (The X-Files)
The Pet Principle:
No matter which side of the door your dog or cat is on, it is the wrong side.
People must think I'm a mushroom. They constantly keep me in the dark and feed me bullshit.
"In all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other" (Contact)
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Decafalon, n.: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
"Must... defy... laws... of... physics!"-- The Tick
Of all the truths in the world, humor is the most satisfying and often the healthiest.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
Sometimes you have more perspective than the situation, sometimes the situation has more perspective than you.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things.-- Dorothy Parker
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.-- Steven Wright
"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy."
Nowadays, originality is the art of concealing your source.
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."-- Mark Twain
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.-- Mark Twain
More to be feared than ignorance is the pretense of knowledge.
There are three sorts of despots. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the body. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the soul. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the soul and body alike. The first is called the Prince. The second is called the Pope. The third is called the People.-- Oscar Wilde
A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If the mind were exercised as much as the mouth, we would be a race of geniuses.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.-- Anais Nin
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.-- Philip K Dick
Law of diminishing IQ:
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
Science is the belief that we don't need belief to know most things.
Never run from anything immortal. It only attracts their attention. (The Last Unicorn)
Proof by omission: The reader may easily supply the details. The other 253 cases are analogous.
"I don't mind you coming here and wasting all my time, 'cause when you're standing oh so near, I kinda lose my mind."-- The Cars
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Kisses are like tears. The only ones that are real are the ones you can't hold back.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.-- Steven Wright
Democracy is the form of government where everyone gets what the majority deserves.
A troll is someone who, finding that no-one likes them, decides to pretend that it's on purpose.
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
"Improvised be damned! I thought of it this morning in my bath and I wish now I hadn't wasted it on this little crowd."-- Winston Churchill
Indifference is the key when dealing with a narcissistic megalomaniac.
It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men.-- Mae West
"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."
Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in.-- Amy Lowell
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.
"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them."-- Mark Twain
Serving drinks on aircraft causes turbulence.
"Love is not the dying note of a twisted violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring."-- S.J. Perelman
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.-- E. B. White
Bathquake, n: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
"Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwile."-- Franklin P. Jones
Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.-- Terry Pratchett
I think it's a beautiful day to go to the zoo and feed the ducks.
To the lions.-- Brian Kantor (the SDM)
"The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender."-- Emil Ludwig
Religion often gets credit for curing rascals when old age is the real medicine.
After 16 years, MTV has finally completed its de-evolution into the shiny things network.-- The Onion
Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness.-- James Thurber
The good critic is he who narrates the adventures of his soul among masterpieces.-- Anatole France
Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Auntie Em--Hate you. Hate Kansas. Taking the dog.-- Dorothy
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.-- Cohen's Law
Sexuality does not "turn on" at puberty and "turn off" at menopause. It is not a thing external, no matter how hard our culture teaches us to push it away. It is every bit as integral and fundamental the day you're born as it is the day you die.-- David Casti
Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats.-- O'Neill
"So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?"-- Ayn Rand
"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."-- Oscar Wilde
I'm a daughter of a minister and I love chasing the dark. That which is hidden. I like licking it like ice cream.-- Tori Amos
The music is the magic carpet that the other things take naps on.-- Tori Amos
"It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'as pretty as an airport' exist."-- Douglas Adams
"*snort* I'm waiting for the day when people realise that mainstream is a subset of SF without the speculation..."-- Emmet O'Brien
Just as the whole is more than the sum of parts, the forest more than the tree and birds, so is mankind greater than the wanking of its nerds on slashdot.org.
First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Three Accounts for the Super-users in the sky,
Seven for the Operators in their halls of fame,
Nine for Ordinary Users doomed to crie,
One for the Illegal Cracker with his evil game
In the Domains of Internet where the data lie.
One Account to rule them all, One Account to watch them,
One Account to make them all and in the network bind them
In the Domains of Internet where the data lie.
X.400 is the mail system of the future, and I hope it stays that way.-- Erik Fair
Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.-- The Register
Television: the bland leading the bland.
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight.-- Mark Twain
If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.-- Scott Fahlman
TCP_UP - The 16-bit TCP Urgent Pointer, encoded as the hex representation of the value of the field. The hex string MUST be capitalized since it is urgent. (RFC 3093)
The BeOS takes the best features from the major operating systems. It's got the power and flexibility of Unix, the interface and ease of use of the MacOS, and Minesweeper from Windows.-- Tyler Riti
Interpretation is the revenge of the intellect upon art.-- Susan Sontag
It is possible to believe that all the past is but the beginning of a beginning, and that all that is and has been is but the twilight of the dawn. It is possible to believe that all the human mind has ever accomplished is but the dream before the awakening.-- H.G. Wells
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
"That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers."-- Charles Chincholles
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.-- Abraham Lincoln
"Perfectionism is the enemy of creation, as extreme self-solicitude is the enemy of well-being."-- John Updike
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.-- H. L. Mencken
Luxury is the main cause of boredom; Boredom is a main cause of extreme thoughts, eg. violence.
"It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution."-- Oscar Wilde
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?-- T. S. Eliot
Maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be. The door always must be left unlocked.
When a metric becomes a target, it ceases to be a good metric
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Is there anything safer than TV-style seriousness--i.e., delivering the conventional wisdom as if it were the deeply important truth?-- Pauline Kael
Cashtration, n.: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
"Politics is the entertainment branch of industry."-- Frank Zappa
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
In order to become the master the politician poses as the servant.-- Charles De Gaulle
"They are wrong who say that love is blind. On the contrary, nothing - not even the smallest detail - escapes the eyes; one sees everything in the loved one, notices everything; but melts it all into one flame with the great and simple: �I love you.�"
Psychoanalysis is the mental illness it purports to cure.-- Karl Kraus
The applied mathematician can find the solution to any difficulty, whilst the pure mathematician can find the difficulty to any solution.
"Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much."
"Microsoft is not the problem. Microsoft is the symptom."-- Eric S. Raymond
The definition of easy work is work that someone else has to do.
Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.-- Thomas Jefferson
Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret.-- Aphra Behn
Music is the science of manipulating emotion through sound.-- Angus Gray
"Remember the Golden Rule: Those who have the gold make the rules."
"Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life's problems."-- Homer Simpson
"The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority."-- Stanley Milgram
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.-- Oscar Wilde
"The thing that I'm into is the philosophy of the music. I love the surprise of things, the accidents--just the sound of a word, to try to express them in the best way, so that the emotion is totally revealed."-- Beth Gibbons
Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known.
-- Oscar Wilde
Patageometry, n: The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants.
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.-- Mike Adams
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.-- Jules Renord
"She who has the biggest sword gets to be the biggest bitch."-- Kymberli Morris
It's true that the French have a certain obsession with sex, but it's a particularly adult obsession. France is the thriftiest of all nations; to a Frenchman sex provides the most economical way to have fun. The French are a logical race.-- Anita Loos
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"-- Linda Ellerbee
"To describe the beating of Egg Whites is almost as cheeky as advising how to lead a happy life."-- The Joy of Cooking
Half of the people in the world are below average.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.-- Goethe
"As long as the music's loud enough, we won't hear the world falling apart."-- Derek Jarman
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.-- Albert Einstein
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.-- H. L. Mencken
Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words 'boss' and 'botch' were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning 'a supervisor of workers' also meant 'an ornamental stud.'
"Legend -- a lie that has attained the dignity of age."-- H. L. Mencken
"In America--as elsewhere--free speech is confined to the dead."-- Mark Twain
2, 3, 3, 37 - the prime factorization of the beast.
If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.-- Mae West
Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression.-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
"One of the CIA's few endearing traits is its penchant for making headlines. It is the world's most fully headlined secret agency."
As the cheetah said to the chameleon:
You can hide, but you can't run!-- Alan Williams
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.-- E. B. White
"It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand."-- Mark Twain
"That's the trouble with women these days. They act like men and want to be treated like women" (An American in Paris)
(as The Spice Girls play in background)
"What are they doing?"
"Psychological warfare." (Small Soldiers)
Do not go gentle into that good night... Rage, rage against the dying of the light.-- Dylan Thomas
"God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier."-- Bumper sticker
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.-- The Anarchist Cookbook
"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
Classic art was the art of necessity: modern romantic art bears the stamp of caprice and chance.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away."-- Goethe
"Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it."-- Jack Wagner
Ass, n: The masculine of "lass".
Insanity is the exception in individuals. In groups, parties, people, and times, it is the rule.-- Friedrich Nietzsche
"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."
-- Josh Billings
And the pickles frolicked with the waffles, joyously.
"The way I play is a bit torturous but... it's the only way I know how to play."-- Tori Amos
America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top.
"...why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want."-- Ayn Rand
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?-- Lily Tomlin
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.-- Steven Wright
God, as some cynic has said, is always on the side which has the best football coach.-- Heywood Broun
I like the kind of people that can hold on to the the feeling they have after the song or movie ends.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.
The fact that I know I'm often a fool, but that I also have an IQ a fair bit over a hundred, scares me. What fools the rest of the world must be.
Those who speak by the yard and think by the inch should be kicked by the foot.
What is wanted is not the will to believe but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite.-- Bertrand Russell
Sniglet, n: Any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
"They say necessity is the mother of invention. And when the necessity is survival, she can be one mean mother. Of course, it's her child, invention, who's the real dangerous one."-- Darien Fawkes (The Invisible Man)
I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.-- Voltaire
Lecture, n: Where the notes of the professor become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either one.
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he would spend two years campaigning and organizing for it should not be trusted with the office.
"The most merciful thing in the world...is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."-- H.P. Lovecraft
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. A theologian is the one who finds it.
The disarmament of fear, in ourselves and those that oppose, propels us. Every step forward brings the possibility of backlash. But forward we go.-- David G. Welton
Life may seem unfair, but Life never cheats the way people do.-- Stewart Kramer
Peace is not the absence of war. Peace is the presence of a system for resolving conflicts before war becomes necessary. War never creates peace.
"When your world looks kind of mean, and you wish that you weren't there.... Just close your eyes and look beneath, and you can be anywhere...." (Muppet Babies Theme Song)
Beware the fury of a patient woman.
"The I.S.O. standard unit of female pulchritude is the milli-Helen. This is the amount of beauty capable of causing the launching of a single ship."-- Terry Pratchett
98% of us Americans are hard-working people. It's the other 2% that give us a bad reputation. Then again, we did elect them.
Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress.
"I'm not mad at the world... just at all the people in it."
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?-- Dick Cavett
May you get to Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you're dead.-- Irish Proverb
Funny. All the wireless people seem to be the marionettes.
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.-- Samuel Beckett
"We are at times too ready to believe that the present is the only possible state of things."-- Marcel Proust
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.-- Douglas Adams
"America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damn well please."-- P.J. O'Rourke
Because these moments, as precious as they are, they're evil when they're gone.
Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope.-- Arnold Glasgow
You see, the conditional modifers depend on certain variables like the day of the week, the number of players, chair positions, things like that. [...] There can't be more than a dozen or two that are pertinent.-- Robert Asprin ("Little Myth Marker")
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."-- Woody Allen
Everything has been thought of before, but the problem is to think of it again.-- Goethe
"A sense of humor is the only thing that keeps intelligent people from hanging themselves."-- Voltaire
"Doesn't anyone remember one of the biggest problems the Super Conducting Super Collider project ran into during construction in Texas? It wasn't politics... It was the Mecca of fire ants in all the extremely high-voltage conduits, junctions, transformers, and other high-strength field areas. The ants would eat the insulating compounds off and sit there basking in the emf high they apparently got. Occasionally, an ant would offer itself as sacrifice, prompting some Damn Big Breakers to blow..." -- RISKS
"How many fingers am I holding up?" -- Kirk, making the Vulcan salute
"That's not very damn funny."-- McCoy (Star Trek III)
The direct use of physical force is so poor a solution to the problem of limited resources that it is commonly employed only by small children and great nations.-- David Friedman
The experience of programming Windows vs the experience of programming NeXTStep is like going to the dentist and having a root canal without anaesthetic vs going to the dentist and having your gums cleaned with some nitrous oxide thrown in for the entertainment side of things.-- Bill Bumgarner
"Evangelists say Halloween is the devil's holiday. What a lame-ass devil! Sitting down in the depths of hell, going, 'I've got control of the major corporations, churning out weapons and toxic waste, but how can I get candy? Let me think--I'll get the children of the world to dress up as hobos and Power Rangers--and then I'll have all the bite-size Three Musketeers I need! Buhahaha!'"
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own.
Sir: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andrew: One does not know, Sir. Possibly a predator was behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other side of the road if it was a male chicken; possibly a food source, or, depending on the season, it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
Sir: To get to the other side.
Andrew: "To get to the other side." Ah. Why is that funny? (Bicentennial Man)
Accuracy, n: The vice of being right.
Poetry is a deal of joy and pain and wonder, with a dash of the dictionary.-- Kahlil Gibran
Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.-- Aristotle
Education, then, beyond all other devices of human origin, is the great machinery.-- Horace Mann
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Always behave like a duck: keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.-- Jacob Braude
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.-- Art Leo
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."-- Ernest Hemingway
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.-- Goethe
People want stories about things they can relate to: life and death, good and evil.
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."-- Robert Frost
Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind.-- Albert Einstein
There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.-- Oscar Wilde
We accept the love we think we deserve
The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.-- Tommy Smothers
Pulling together is the aim of despotism and tyranny. Free men pull in all kinds of directions. It's the only way to make progress.-- Havelock Vetinari
"The degree of normality in a database is inversely proportional to that of its DBA"
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.-- Fred Allen
"Nothing in man is more serious than his sense of humor; it is the sign that he wants all the truth."-- Mark Van Doren