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Everyone has their first date... and the object is to hide your flaws. And then you're in a relationship and it's all about hiding your disappointment. Then once you're married it's about hiding your sins. (Dollhouse)
Brought to you by the people who made "out of context" a household word.
"If houses were built the way software is built,
the first woodpecker would bring down civilization."
Cashtration, n.: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Petonic (peh ton' ik), adj: One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Imagination, n: A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.-- Ambrose Bierce
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains arouse me.
"Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent."
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."-- Joan Crawford
Bathquake, n: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
In a church bulletin: "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
Take it from the staff of a five-cat house: A group of cats is a "conceit." They'd like to be a "pride" but that would fool no one.-- Morely Dotes
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Anticiparcellate (an ti si par' sel ate), v: Waiting until the mailman is several houses down the street before picking up the mail, so as not too appear too anxious.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.-- Steven Wright
From the 'Rules for women':
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
[Perl] isn't a programming language, it's a thousand special case rules flying in close formation.-- Peter da Silva
"Ah! How sweet coffee tastes! Lovelier than a thousand kisses, sweeter far than muscatel wine! I must have coffee..."-- J. S. Bach
[The Bible] has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.-- Mark Twain
Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."-- James D. Nicoll
"It's been reported that John Bobbitt's porno movie grossed over 10 million. I'm not sure whether that's dollars or people."-- Conan O'Brien
Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand gay guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"-- John Stewart