141 hits
Why serial commas are important: "I dedicate this book to my parents, Ayn Rand and God."
Argue not with Dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with cheese.
Given the pace of technology, I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. (Calvin & Hobbes)
Lies, damned lies and user documentation.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains arouse me.
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
Doubt your beliefs and believe your doubts.
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.
"Hmm, pleasant effect" thought God, and flipped it off and on a few times.
Absent, adj: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
"It's gone wrong."
Professor George Eisenkopf, resident nuclear genius at the University of Chicopee Falls, Iowa, and the State Department's leading authority on civilian atomic power, scratched his nose with the plastic coffee-stirrer he'd been given on the plane.
"It isn't working properly," he added, in case there were any laymen present.-- Tom Holt ("Odds and Gods")
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.-- Thomas Jones
Primus in orbe Deus fecit timor.
"It was fear that introduced gods into the world."
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
"Loved by some, accepted by others and misunderstood by most."
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but so would an 80 pound carrot.
Language and its absurd conjunctions;
Constellations and crustaceans rhyme.
Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have trained for years and years can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
"Science has made gods of us before we were even worthy of being men."-- Jean Rostand
"Be virtuous and you will be eccentric."-- Mark Twain
Be good to your friends, or they may develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo.
Thinking is not a panacea, but to paraphrase Gandhi, maybe it would be a good idea to try some.-- Jess Anderson
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.-- K (MiB)
Given a choice between dancing pigs and security, users will pick dancing pigs every time.
"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground."-- Thomas Jefferson
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
"Not all moderators and FAQ-compilers eventually become power-mad and insane. Some of them started out that way."
"I would rather believe that God did not exist than believe that He was indifferent."-- George Sand
To err is human. And stupid.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
You don't stick a knife in a man's back nine inches and then pull it out six inches and say you are making progress.-- Malcolm X
The guns and the bombs, the rockets and the warships, are all symbols of human failure.-- Lyndon B Johnson
"There's a very fine line between a groove and a rut; a fine line between eccentrics and people who are just plain nuts."
They say it's never too late to learn to play the piano, but at 2 am, I really wish my roommate would quit and go to bed.-- Nathan Hansar
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.-- Henry David Thoreau
Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and are always bothering us to do something for them.-- Oscar Wilde
Practical or mean and sneaky? - getting a permanent heart tatoo on your arm and getting three-day temporary tatoos for the names.
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."-- Robert A. Heinlein
Sometimes you have to bite people hard on the lip before they realize you're not kissing them, so keenly do they yearn for approval.-- Jess Anderson
Man is, and always has been, a maker of gods. It has been the most serious and significant occupation of his sojourn in the world.-- John Burroughs
Happiness is a warm puppy, stir-fried with scallions and red pepper.-- Ry Schwark
[The Bible] has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.-- Mark Twain
Don't you think that with the proper amount of manpower, pliers, ropes, belts and duct tape, you actually COULD lead a horse to water AND make it drink?-- Andy Overman
"When your world looks kind of mean, and you wish that you weren't there.... Just close your eyes and look beneath, and you can be anywhere...." (Muppet Babies Theme Song)
"It stands for 'Sales and Marketing', you depraved monkeys."
"A rose by any other name, Stef."
(userfriendly.org)
Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.-- Robert Benchley
The decline in American pride, patriotism, and piety can be directly attributed to the extensive reading of so-called 'science fiction' by our young people. This poisonous rot about creatures not of God's making, societies of 'aliens' without a good Christian among them, and raw sex between unhuman beings with three heads and God alone knows what sort of reproductive apparatus keeps our young people from realizing the true will of God.-- Jerry Falwell (Reader's Digest, 1985)
Go not to Usenet for counsel, for it will say both no, and yes, and no, and yes....
"If you think about it, somewhere there's a Logrus master with Amelia Earhart, a whole squadron of P-51's, and a mile-high pile of socks and keys."
Basically, to learn Unix you learn to understand and apply a small set of key ideas and achieve expertise by expanding both the set of ideas and your ability to apply them-- Paul Murphy
Beepilepsy, n: Aflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1 1/2 tons. (Popular Mechanics, March 1949)
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
From the 'Rules for women':
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."-- David Russell
"Forget all those health clinics and gyms. Sex is the best cure for everything, especially stress. If I have a good night of sex, all my problems are gone by 10 o' clock in the morning."-- Grace Jones
A trial is a lot like gladiator combat. Except trials don't feature half-naked men in armor with swords and spears and those ball thingies at the ends of ropes. Well, okay -- the good trials do, but it doesn't happen often enough, if you ask me.-- Jonathan Colan
We were raised in vastly different places,/
Yet speak this uncanny similar tongue./
Sometimes we're different races./
Certainly we're different classes./
Yet our common bonds and common graces,/
Common wounds and destinations,/
Keep us closer than some married folks.-- Judy Grahn
I think an embryo/fetus/baby becomes a "person" when it is smarter than a non-primate like a dog. By those standards, chimpanzees and gorillas are persons (although somewhat cognitively impaired--kind of like Fundamentalist Christians), but human newborns are not.-- Dave Touretzsky
"Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves."-- J. B. Priestley
Mirth prolongeth life and causeth health.
Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.
Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time. (A coffee cup)
"We are the flaming, exploding, CGI-movie saturated MTV generation after all. If it isn't bright pink and green, naked, on fire and computer animated, I just yawn and walk away." (Someone on Slashdot)
Anyone with a bit of intelligence and enough perseverance could do magic, which was why the wizards cloaked it with rituals and the whole pointy-hat business.
The trick was to do magic and get away with it.-- Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)
By working faithfully 8 hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work 12 hours a day.-- Robert Frost
All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-- Homer Simpson
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire...-- Steven Wright
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.-- Clarence Darrow
We've built a deep, dark hole for your mind, and you get down in there and stay there no matter what, because if you don't obey, we'll take away everything and you'll be good and sorry, and no complaining either. Shut up! Don't EVER think. We're your mommy and your daddy and your teacher and your preacher, and we love you so much, that's why we're setting your switch to OFF. When you're older, you'll realize what a sacrifice you made for us, er, I mean, we made for you.-- Jess Anderson
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.-- Andrew Lias
Ponder: "It's all done by magic, Archchancellor."
Ridcully: "Ah. Right. None of that complicated business with springs and cogwheels and tubes and stuff, then."
Ponder: "That's right, sir. Just magic. Sufficiently advanced magic."-- Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.-- Confucius
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. (Oxford University Press)
"And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress."-- Basil Fawlty
"Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night."-- Andy Warhol
"Show me the books he loves and I shall know the man far better than through mortal friends."-- S. Weir Mitchell
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."-- Thomas A. Edison
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.-- Andre Gide
Accountant - someone who can put two and two together and make a living from it.
"It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets."-- Voltaire
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.-- Otto Von Bismarck
You probably go to museums and complain that Monet pressed down too hard with his crayons because the picture is all bumpy.-- John Woods
You will trip and fall over a three-eared cat today
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress."-- Mark Twain
Regrettable Necessity, n:
An avoidable atrocity. The term is often employed by presidents and prime ministers when announcing bombings of civilian targets and invasions of small countries.-- Chaz Bufe (The Devil's Dictionaries)
"The Hindenburg crash had 62 survivors and 35 fatalities. Of the 35 deaths, 27 resulting from jumping from the airship. Many of the remaining 8 deaths resulted from burns and injuries due to the ensuing diesel fuel fire."-- Dan Egnor
Grandpa: "I'm an old man, no one listens to me."
Lisa: "I'm a young girl, no one listens to me."
Homer: "I'm a white male aged 18 to 49, everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
*homer walks over to the cabinet and takes out a can labeled "Nuts and Gum: Together At Last"* (The Simpsons)
It is better to be hated for what one is than loved for what one is not.-- Andre Gide
People want stories about things they can relate to: life and death, good and evil.
My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.-- Stephen Hawking
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
Nothing true is popular, and nothing popular is true.
Adventure: The land between entertainment and panic.
"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept."-- Calvin and Hobbes
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.-- Albert Einstein
"Good old days: Beer foamed and drinking water didn't."
Adolescence, n: The stage between puberty and adultery.
The Four Food Groups: Coffee, ice cream, beer and pizza.
We're the technical experts. We were hired so that management could ignore our recommendations and tell us how to do our jobs.-- Mike Andrews (a.s.r.)
When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event.-- R. Pirsig
Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.
If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.... It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it.-- Albert Einstein
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?-- Kelvin Throop III
So just what are time flies, and why do they like an arrow?
Glamour is that indefinable something about a girl who has a large bosom.-- Andy Rothman
Destinesia: The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?-- Woody Allen ("Without Feathers")
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.-- Andy Finkel
Faith is not being sure. It is not being sure, but betting with your last cent... Faith is not a series of gilt-edged propositions that you sit down to figure out, and if you follow all the logic and accept all the conclusions, then you have it. It is crumpling and throwing away everything, proposition by proposition, until nothing is left, and then writing a new proposition, your very own, to throw in the teeth of despair... Faith is not making religious-sounding noises in the daytime. It is asking your inmost self questions at night and then getting up and going to work... Faith is thinking thoughts and singing songs and making poems in the lap of death.-- Mary Jean Irion (Yes, World: A Mosaic of Meditation)
In the beginning was the word, and the word was "aardvark".
Let not young minds be smothered out before
They do quaint deeds and fully flaunt their pride
It is the world's one crime its babes grow dull
Its poor are ox-like, limp, and leaden-eyed.
Not that they starve, but that they starve so dreamlessly.
Not that they sow, but that they seldom reap.
Not that they serve, but that they have no gods to serve.
Not that they die, but that they die like sheep.-- Vachel Lindsay
Computer Science without FORTRAN and COBOL is like birthday cake without ketchup and mustard.
Stand and fight, you misbegotten spawn of the perverse breeding between a pixie and a squirrel!
"We tend to idealize tolerance, then wonder why we find ourselves infested with losers and nut cases."-- Patrick Nielsen Hayden
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so sure of themselves but wiser people are full of doubts.-- Bertrand Russell
"We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society."-- Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
"If you think of yourselves as helpless and ineffectual, it is certain that you will create a despotic government to be your master. The wise despot, therefore, maintains among his subjects a popular sense that they are helpless and ineffectual."-- Frank Herbert
If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why practice?
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
"So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?"-- Ayn Rand