289 hits
He said "It's all in your head", and I said "So's everything" but he didn't get it /
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy.-- Fiona Apple (Paper Bag)
A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Subduction leads to orogeny!
355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.-- Ronald Reagan
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
"Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution."
Proof by intimidation: 'Trivial'.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
The fewer clear facts you have in support of an opinion, the stronger your emotional attachment to that opinion.
Accordion, n: A bagpipe with pleats.
The revolution will NOT be televised.
Fanfiction is just fixing things in post-post-production
Domestication is the enemy of romance.
Procrastination will rule one day, OK?
We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.-- Jonathan Swift
"The degree of normality in a database is inversely proportional to that of its DBA"
After 16 years, MTV has finally completed its de-evolution into the shiny things network.-- The Onion
Television: the bland leading the bland.
Lies, damned lies and user documentation.
Rational, adj: Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.-- Ambrose Bierce
Reasonable, adj: Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.-- Ambrose Bierce
"One person can trigger a million thoughts."
The skin of civilization is only 7 meals thick
"If I want your opinion, I will give it to you."
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.-- Gloria Leonard
I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.-- Mark Twain
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
Machine learning, n: Automation of your biases
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
Insanity, a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.-- R. D. Lang
2, 3, 3, 37 - the prime factorization of the beast.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I've come to realize there is a very close resemblance to the first.-- Ronald Reagan
"It's been reported that John Bobbitt's porno movie grossed over 10 million. I'm not sure whether that's dollars or people."-- Conan O'Brien
If you're not confused you're not paying attention.
"Conviction is a luxury for those on the sidelines."
Love is like pi: natural, irrational and very important.-- Lisa Hoffman
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.-- Eric Hoffer
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.-- Abbie Hoffman
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it."-- Donald E. Knuth
Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Odo: That's a very personal question.
Jadzia Dax: I'm sorry, but after seven lifetimes, impersonal questions aren't much fun anymore. (Star Trek: DS9 (Shadowplay))
Sleep deprivation is fun -- you see such pretty colors.
'Impossible' tends to be an opinion rather than a fact.
You can be a professional without being constipated about it.-- David Keyser
Language and its absurd conjunctions;
Constellations and crustaceans rhyme.
Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
Clique: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses. (Cynic's Dictionary)
I'm not a perfectionist. That would be a character flaw.
Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
"There are very few personal problems that cannot be resolved by application of suitable quantities of duct tape."
Never underestimate the falseness of a generalisation.
Quality Of Life: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress. (Cynic's Dictionary)
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
"Don't apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem."
Headline: Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Sniglet, n: Any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Funny. All the wireless people seem to be the marionettes.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction after all has to make sense, right?
Math Anxiety: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. (Cynic's Dictionary)
"Almost any animal is capable learning a stimulus/response association, given enough repitition."
"Experimental observation suggests that this isn't true if double-clicking is involved."-- Lionel and Malcom Ray (scary devil monastery)
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
"If you're one in a million, there are ten of you in New York."
Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.-- Napoleon Bonaparte
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own.-- Lionel Strachey
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."-- Herbert Hoover
When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brain.
The definition of easy work is work that someone else has to do.
Poetry is a deal of joy and pain and wonder, with a dash of the dictionary.-- Kahlil Gibran
To in good days say "look what i've reached"
and on bad days say "why was this done to me"
..is mighty disproportionate.
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.
Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind.-- Albert Einstein
"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
"People can travel great distances on a computer, so why can't we travel that way emotionally?"-- Tori Amos
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
("Confound those who have said our remarks before us.")-- Aelius Donatus
All New: The software is not compatible with any previous version.
Never underestimate the human capacity for cognitive dissonance.
"As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense."-- Jonathan Swift
Ad: Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Perpetual motion, illustrated: Try putting a slinky on an escalator.
There is a superstition in avoiding superstition.-- Francis Bacon
Angst, n: A form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon probably considered incomprehensible by those who own a recreational vehicle.-- Rick Bayan (The Cynic's Dictionary)
That your decision was right doesn't in any way mean your reasons were.
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.-- Jonathan Swift
"Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice."
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
Seminars, n.: From `semi' and `arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."
"It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution."-- Oscar Wilde
I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive.
She thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed.-- Jonathan Colan
Sometimes you have more perspective than the situation, sometimes the situation has more perspective than you.
Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in.-- Amy Lowell
Imagine a stegosaurus wearing rocket powered roller skates, and you'll get a fair idea of its elegance, stability and ease of crash recovery.-- Lionel Lauer
Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
"As soon as questions of will or decision or reason or choice of action arise, human science is at a loss."-- Noam Chomsky
Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness.
-- George Jean Nathan
The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality.
If there is any fixed star in our constitutional constellation, it is that no official, high or petty, can prescribe what shall be orthodox politics, nationalism, religion, or other matters of opinion or force citizens to confess by word or act their faith therein.-- Justice Robert Jackson
"I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it?"-- Joan Baez
"Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived."-- Oscar Wilde
On an American Airlines package of nuts: Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
Religion often gets credit for curing rascals when old age is the real medicine.
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street."
A passionate commitment to social justice is no substitute for knowing what the hell you're talking about.-- Thomas Sowell
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.-- Benjamin Dana
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how can actions speak louder than words?
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.-- Jerome K. Jerome
A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century.
"A cult is a religion with no political power."-- Tom Wolfe
Never run from anything immortal. It only attracts their attention. (The Last Unicorn)
Revolutionary movements attract those who are not good enough for established institutions as well as those who are too good for them.-- George Bernard Shaw
Reconsider, v: To seek a justification for a decision already made.-- Ambrose Bierce
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?-- Groucho Marx
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.-- Goethe
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.-- H. G. Wells
"Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them."
Mia Wallace: "Pretty smart."
Vincent Vega: "Yeah, I got my moments." (Pulp Fiction)
"Question Authority. They usually know where the bathroom is."-- Daria
X-Chromosome: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs. (Cynic's Dictionary)
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."-- Oscar Wilde
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.-- Winston Churchill
Science without religion is lame; religion without science is blind.-- Albert Einstein
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.
Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words 'boss' and 'botch' were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning 'a supervisor of workers' also meant 'an ornamental stud.'
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.-- Ambrose Bierce
"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."-- Ken Kesey
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
Motrin and espresso. The breakfast of champions.-- Sweet Poly
The applied mathematician can find the solution to any difficulty, whilst the pure mathematician can find the difficulty to any solution.
"Always be a 1st-rate version of yourself instead of a 2nd rate version of someone else."-- Judy Garland
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.-- Bertrand Russell
Is there anything safer than TV-style seriousness--i.e., delivering the conventional wisdom as if it were the deeply important truth?-- Pauline Kael
"The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions."-- Maurice Chapelain
Come, let us retract the foreskin of misconception and apply the wire brush of enlightenment.
"Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion."-- Scott Adams
Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.-- Holly (Red Dwarf II, Queeg)
Proof by omission: The reader may easily supply the details. The other 253 cases are analogous.
"Perfectionism is the enemy of creation, as extreme self-solicitude is the enemy of well-being."-- John Updike
"Whenever a separation is made between liberty and justice, neither, in my opinion, is safe."-- Edmund Burke
'It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.'-- Jackie Mason
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."-- Carl Gustav Jung
"I think your cats need tuning - according to a couple of quick measurements on a recently calibrated reference cat, the dominant frequency of a correctly adjusted cat should be 12Hz +/-20%."-- Lionel Lauer (a.s.r)
"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."-- Voltaire
"Men are more apt to be mistaken in their generalizations than in their particular observations."-- Machiavelli
"You ever hear of the Spartans, Lewis? Ancient Greece...traditional enemies of the Athenians? They were a warrior society. I'll try to make it simple for you...they were Klingon." (The Rhipodon Society)
"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists ... in the loved one, perfection."-- Sidney Poitier
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray.-- Oscar Wilde
The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand.
We listen to reply.
"This space intentionally has nothing but text explaining why this space has nothing but text explaining that this space would otherwise have been left blank, and would otherwise have been left blank."
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.-- Mark Twain
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.-- Oscar Wilde
"Those who control their passions do so because their passions are weak enough to be controlled."-- William Blake
We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection.-- Anais Nin
Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.
Music is the science of manipulating emotion through sound.-- Angus Gray
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
Recession: your friend loses his job. Depression: you lose your job. Recovery: Bush loses his job.-- Bill Davidsen
Regrettable Necessity, n:
An avoidable atrocity. The term is often employed by presidents and prime ministers when announcing bombings of civilian targets and invasions of small countries.-- Chaz Bufe (The Devil's Dictionaries)
The biblical concepts of sin and salvation are an integral part of Christian doctrine. Christianity first creates a problem (sin) and then offers a "solution" (salvation). This is not unlike the protection racket; you either buy "protection"--or else!"-- Domald Morgan
The older I get, the more I think you ever learn is either further subtleties, or further distractions.
"There comes a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.-- Timothy Leary
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."-- Gilda Radner
Do just once what others say you can't do,
and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.-- James R. Cook
WARNING:
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.-- Fran Lebowitz
"Life sucks. And just when you think it couldn't get any worse, it will. My suggestion? Sleep through it."
PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.-- Jon Ribbens
"Everything is convention, including law. When it is not the thought that led to the convention, but just the records of the convention that define morals, structural ethics are too dependant, and likely doomed."
The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me.-- Sloan Wilson
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.-- H. L. Mencken
"Abuse of words has been the great instrument of sophistry and chicanery, of party, faction, and division of society."-- John Adams
Most religions do not make men better, only warier.-- Elias Canetti
"Logic, meet emotions.
Complex, meet logic and emotions.
Now, if you would, Logic, please club these two clueless fuckers upside the head"
Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to become comfortable?-- Mia (Pulp Fiction)
"My dream job? You mean, besides marrying a millionaire and writing porno scripts for laughs? I dunno, maybe be the madam of a brothel? Could be a lot of fun."-- Amanda Firefox
Interpretation is the revenge of the intellect upon art.-- Susan Sontag
"If houses were built the way software is built,
the first woodpecker would bring down civilization."
"The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are."-- Mark Twain
Begin somewhere; you cannot build a reputation on what you intend to do.-- Liz Smith
"I have so many different personalities in me, and I still feel lonely."-- Tori Amos
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass.
On applause: They named it Ovation from the Latin ovis, a sheep.-- Plutarch
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.-- Robert Bly
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's 'St. Matthew Passion' on a ukelele.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.-- Rita Mae Brown
"I find imperfection the most interesting thing about a person"-- Jodi Foster
Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.-- Tom Stoppard
Happiness is a warm puppy, stir-fried with scallions and red pepper.-- Ry Schwark
Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.-- G. M. Trevelyan
"My concept of the great spirit is not the controlling force that is in institutional religion. When I say God, I'm talking about judgments over thousands of years that are horrific - love your neighbor but do what we say or we'll rape your women."-- Tori Amos
PATRIOTISM, n:
1) The inability to distinguish between the government and one's 'country';
2) A highly praiseworthy virtue characterized by the desire to dominate and kill;
3) A feeling of exultation experienced when contemplating heaps of charred 'enemy' corpses;
4) The first, last, and perennial refuge of scoundrels.-- Chaz Bufe (The Devil's Dictionaries ("American Heretic's Dictionary" section))
Traditionally, emotional and social problems have been judged as the moral shortcomings of an individual. Someone suffering from a psychiatric illness or an addiction is rarely viewed as a person who has a disorder or who is taxed by overwhelming circumstances. Instead the affliction is becomes a metaphor for a host of evils; it serves a testimony of the individual's unworthiness, a cause for condemnation.-- Ellen L. Bassuk ("Scientific American", December 1991)
Reporter to Ghandi: What do you think of western civilisation?
Ghandi: I think it would be a very good idea.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.-- Groucho Marx
You see, the conditional modifers depend on certain variables like the day of the week, the number of players, chair positions, things like that. [...] There can't be more than a dozen or two that are pertinent.-- Robert Asprin ("Little Myth Marker")
"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing.. that’s why we recommend it daily."
Education's purpose is to replace an open mind with a full one.-- David Nestor
I love stress because it's a whole lot better than depression.-- Drew Olbrich
Arnold's First Law of Documentation
If it should exist, it doesn't.
Arnold's Second Law of Documentation
If it does exist, it's out of date.
Arnold's Third Law of Documentation
Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws.
Mort isn't fashionable UK movie material -- there's no parts in it for Hugh or Emma, it's not set in Sheffield, and no one shoves drugs up their bum...-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
"If there is one thing that always comes out of a terrible tragedy, it is really dumb legislation." (Esquire magazine)
The question is not so much whether there is life on Mars as whether it will continue to be possible to live on Earth.
Murphy's Eleventh Law of Computing:
A computer program will follow your orders, but rarely your intentions.
Punctuation is important. There is a world of semantic difference between "Damn straight." and "Damn, straight."
People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus."-- Mark Twain
If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, it might be amor�, but I'd be more worried about the interplanetary gravitational effects from this cataclysmic event.-- Paul Paternoster
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
I do not think that any civilization can be called complete until it has progressed from sophistication to unsophistication, and made a conscious return to simplicity of thinking and living.-- Lin Yutang
Who cares whether the glass is half full or half empty? Shouldn't the question be who's been drinking out of my glass?
Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.-- Anatole France
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.-- Alfred Adler
I'm an apatheist. The question is no longer interesting, and the answer no longer matters.-- petro (a.s.r)
It's a mistake to underestimate the human capacity for self-delusion.-- Robert Park
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. ("Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior")
If you think that mental illness interferes with financial success, just look at the average television evangelist.
On going to war over religion:
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
Cashtration, n.: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."-- Noelie Alito
Occam's eraser: The philosophical principle that even the simplest solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
A trial is a lot like gladiator combat. Except trials don't feature half-naked men in armor with swords and spears and those ball thingies at the ends of ropes. Well, okay -- the good trials do, but it doesn't happen often enough, if you ask me.-- Jonathan Colan
"The best education consists in immunizing people against systematic attempts at education."-- Paul Karl Feyerabend
"To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation."-- St. Augustine
A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine.
Science fiction is an existential metaphor that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said, "Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinded critics and philosophers of today, but the core of science fiction, its essence, has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all." (Stargate SG-1)
"You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements."-- Norman Douglas
If you sat a million monkeys down at a million computers, they might just come up with a great... Oh wait... we're already doing that.-- J.P. Styskal
"Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much."
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.-- Edsger Dijkstra
"Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what's wrong with it."
"I understand your question and the answer is 'You're thinking too hard.'"-- Jose Garcia
Dot: Do you think Scratchy'd like some cologne?
Fifi: We have "Obsession", "Repression", and "Ecstacy".
Dot: Do you have anything for beginners? (Animaniacs; Survey Ladies)
America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.-- Georges Clemenceau (1 December 1945)