430 hits
What is dignity without honesty?-- Cicero
"There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have."-- Don Herold
Where there is great love, there are always wishes.-- Willa Cather
Much learning does not teach understanding.-- Heraclitus
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
"The biggest disease today isn't leprosy or tuberculosis, but the feeling of being unwanted."-- Mother Theresa
Most people deserve each other.
Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.-- Jerome K. Jerome
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together-- Herbert Prochnow
Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
Do unto others before they undo you.
"We've always been ready for female superheroes because women want to be them and men want to do them."-- Famke Janssen
There's a nut loose on your keyboard.
'You're a hero. Heroes are supposed to know these things.'
'Get stuffed,' replied the hero.
'You're formulating a plan of campaign, aren't you?'
'Get real. I'm trying to get this pxy chunk of gravel out of my - ah, that's got it. Right, where were we?'-- Tom Holt ("My Hero")
There must be more to life than sitting there wondering if there is more to life.
"I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough."-- M. C. Escher
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."-- Herbert Hoover
Cat: Ethereal music wreathed in mystery.
"In California everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is a therapist going to a therapist."-- Truman Capote
"I don't have to choose, nyaah, nyaaah, nah nyaah nyaah."-- Sandra Hereld
"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing.. that’s why we recommend it daily."
"And the heat goes on... where the hand has been."-- Byrne/Eno
It's 3:30 A.M. Do you know where your mail is?
There are many ways to define our fragile existence; many ways to give it meaning. But it is our memories that shape its purpose and give it context.-- Mohinder Suresh (Heroes)
I don't like to spread gossip, but what else can you do with it?-- Sandy Hereld
Love is like a fruit. It may look good, but you shouldn't bite in it until it's ripe.-- Nick Hertl
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
Maybe life is a grindstone; whether it polishes you or wears you down depends on what you're made of.-- Kay Fletcher
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
The older I get, the more I think you ever learn is either further subtleties, or further distractions.
The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.-- Tommy Smothers
This world doesn't need fixing. It needs changing.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
"Bother," said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh."
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
You're about as accurate as an archer in a centrifuge.
"Not a Morning Person" doesn't even begin to cover it.
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
There are multitudes in me. But not if I have to behave.
'Impossible' tends to be an opinion rather than a fact.
The question is not so much whether there is life on Mars as whether it will continue to be possible to live on Earth.
You think Oedipus had a problem--Adam was Eve's mother.
"In each of us are places where we have never gone. Only by pressing the limits do you ever find them."-- Dr. Joyce Brothers
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"
I trusted him like a brother -- which is to say, not at all.
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.-- Christopher Morley
Giving help doesn't mean dashing in and doing what seems like a good idea to you. It means doing what the other person wants. If what the person wants is for you leave them alone, it means doing that.-- John Fisher
Headline: Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
"My work always tried to unite the true with the beautiful; but when I had to choose one or the other, I usually chose the beautiful."-- Hermann Weyl
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
There's old proverbs to suit about anything you want to do.
"Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."-- Henry Ward Beecher
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?-- Dick Cavett
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
"If you're one in a million, there are ten of you in New York."
There's an argument to be made that beneath every cynic there is a frustrated romantic. (Fringe)
"The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action."-- Frank Herbert
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.-- Arnold Bennett
"Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right."
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
Lunatic Asylum, n: The place where optimism most flourishes.
The way some people find fault, you'd think there was a reward.
"Loved by some, accepted by others and misunderstood by most."
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Therapy is expensive. Poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Those who say money can't buy happiness don't know where to shop.
"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."
A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune.
Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.
There's a difference between knowing something and realizing it.
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Is there no accounting for taste? There isn't even a budget for it.-- Sean Levy
The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.-- Anais Nin
Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time. (A coffee cup)
I want to die like my grandfather, peaceful and in my sleep - not screaming like the other people in the car.
Renning's Maxim: Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
That your decision was right doesn't in any way mean your reasons were.
The more sane often call themselves insane to avoid others' judgement.
"If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war. Lots of accidents, maybe."
It's okay. Life doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be lived. (Dexter)
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
Insecurity is comparing our behind the scenes to others highlight reel.
"Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month."-- Wernher von Braun
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.-- Matt Groening
If there is no such thing as justice then the best we can hope for is revenge
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."-- Oscar Wilde
"My work is much richer than my life."-- Tori Amos
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.-- Wernher von Braun
At a doctors office in Rome:
"Specialist in women and other diseases"
Descartes described how his father taught him how to swim by throwing him into the Seine: "I sink, therefore I swam."
"I'll fight for you, but I will not compete for you... There's a difference."
"Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere."-- Dorothy Galyean
A day without a pun is a day without sunshine; there is gloom for improvement.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
Accountant - someone who can put two and two together and make a living from it.
"I met a lady in the meads
Full beautiful, a faery's child;
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild."-- Keats
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. A theologian is the one who finds it.
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.-- Helen Keller
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.-- Art Leo
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Every time I have to pipe something into awk I get this mental picture of a big fat seagull with stdin connected at the wrong end.-- Arther van der Harg (a.s.r.)
Lecture, n: Where the notes of the professor become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either one.
"They say necessity is the mother of invention. And when the necessity is survival, she can be one mean mother. Of course, it's her child, invention, who's the real dangerous one."-- Darien Fawkes (The Invisible Man)
Organized Religion is like Organized Crime; it preys on peoples' weakness, generates huge profits for its operators, and is almost impossible to eradicate.-- Mike Hermann
Cigarette, n: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco inbetween.
"There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it." (Niven's Law #16)
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother.
"Encouragement, dear..." she replied.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.-- Edward Flaherty
Sometimes before bed, I look in the mirror and wonder just what I'll be doing in ten years. Then I look at the clock and think, 'Probably flossing.'-- April Van Scherpe
Democracy is the form of government where everyone gets what the majority deserves.
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.-- Goethe
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.-- K (MiB)
"Question Authority. They usually know where the bathroom is."-- Daria
In art, as in no other form of endeavor, there is meaning apart from success.-- Joseph Conrad
XML is like violence – if it doesn’t solve your problems, you are not using enough of it.
If I have seen further than other men, it is by stepping on their glasses.-- Michael Swaine
Dead men tell no tales, but then, neither do mimes.-- Wade Kwon
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.
"Hmm, pleasant effect" thought God, and flipped it off and on a few times.
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.-- Mark Twain
"There is no man that is worth your tears. When you find one who is, he won't make you cry."
There is no CyberSpace, just a lot of people pretending.-- Sam Kass
As the main says, it has yet to be proven intelligence has any survival value.
Whether it deserves some respect is another matter.
When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event.-- R. Pirsig
Is not that the nature of men and women--that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.-- Mark Twain
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
Erotica is stuff that's meant to be read with one hand.-- Carl Manz
"Some people have a large circle of friends while others have only friends that they like."
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."
"Self-improvement is a dangerous form of vanity."-- Alan Watts
Humor is just another defense against the universe-- Mel Brooks
Nobody ever forgets where he buried a hatchet.-- Kin Hubbard
I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive.
She thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed.-- Jonathan Colan
"There is a pleasure sure in being mad which none but madmen know."-- Dryden
"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.-- Laurance J. Peter
“How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.”-- Anais Nin
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?-- T. S. Eliot
Proof by omission: The reader may easily supply the details. The other 253 cases are analogous.
Please storyteller, pull a tale from your pocket,
Spin me a story from your coat-tails so bare,
For my heart has turned cold, and my dreams are too old,
And I need to know the magic's still there-- Heather Alexander (Storyteller)
"A child does not have to be taught how to be happy or the ways of love. It is fear, hatred, & prejudice that have to be taught. And from the condition of the world we can see that unfortunately there are some very good teachers."-- Javan
"If you think about it, somewhere there's a Logrus master with Amelia Earhart, a whole squadron of P-51's, and a mile-high pile of socks and keys."
It is a well known fact that warriors and wizards do not get along, because one side considers the other side to be a collection of bloodthirsty idiots who can't walk and think at the same time, while the other side is naturally suspicious of a body of men who mumble a lot and wear long dresses. Oh, say the wizards, if we're going to be like that, then, what about all those studded collars and oiled muscles down at the Young Men's Pagan Association? To which the heroes reply, that's a pretty good allegation from a bunch of wimpsoes who won't go near a woman on account, can you believe it, of their mystical power being sort of drained out. Right, say the wizards, that just about does it, you and your leather posing pouches. Oh yeah, say the the heroes, why don't you...-- Terry Pratchett (The Light Fantastic)
If you don't know where you are going, you'll probably end up somewhere else.-- Laurence J. Peter
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.-- Dr. Who
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."-- Douglas Adams
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.-- R. Clopton
"Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together."-- Anais Nin
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.-- Carl Sagan
There's many a best seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.-- Flannery O'Connor
"There ain't no rules around here, we're trying to accomplish something."-- Thomas Alva Edison
"If you think of yourselves as helpless and ineffectual, it is certain that you will create a despotic government to be your master. The wise despot, therefore, maintains among his subjects a popular sense that they are helpless and ineffectual."-- Frank Herbert
Ah, twitter, where people will be deeply outraged for one to six hours, before forgetting forever.
If you insist that you know what's right for a person, you are precious close to saying that their feelings aren't real, just because you don't understand them. The next stop after sentimentality is cruelty.-- John Fisher
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.-- Disraeli
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password.
"This was, apparently, beyond her ken. So far beyond her ken that she was well into barbie territory."-- J.D. Baldwin
The music is the magic carpet that the other things take naps on.-- Tori Amos
Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.-- Henry Miller
"There is a fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'."-- Dave Barry
"In all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other" (Contact)
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.-- Robert Frost
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you
"There is nothing wrong with the software that rm won't cure."-- Arnie Romo
Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead. (RFC 1925)
"Ergotism is what you get if you overuse the word "therefore". Egotism on the other hand is a form of "I" strain."-- Paul Martin
It swims through a sublogical fantasy world where there are no rules that can't be violated by the set designer, where everybody is really thin and beautiful and wears really cool clothes, and where death is everywhere.-- Stephen Hunter (The Washington Post, review of 'The Cell')
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."-- Gilda Radner
I think having 'Men' and 'Women' signs on bathrooms is a bad idea, because if aliens thought those rooms held standard specimens and went in to record data, they'd get some pretty bizarre examples.-- April Van Scherpe
I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.-- John Cleese
Sir: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andrew: One does not know, Sir. Possibly a predator was behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other side of the road if it was a male chicken; possibly a food source, or, depending on the season, it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
Sir: To get to the other side.
Andrew: "To get to the other side." Ah. Why is that funny? (Bicentennial Man)
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?-- Steven Wright
"That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers."-- Charles Chincholles
She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers.-- Dr. Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters.)
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. (Oxford University Press)
Teacher's First Law of Grading Lab Papers: If an experiment has perfect results, the student has cheated.
There is a superstition in avoiding superstition.-- Francis Bacon
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
"Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the mind is never new, fresh, innocent."
"In America--as elsewhere--free speech is confined to the dead."-- Mark Twain
Begin somewhere; you cannot build a reputation on what you intend to do.-- Liz Smith
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.-- Woody Allen
"No, I'm not trying to save on psychiatrist's bills. It's more me asking, 'does anyone else feel this way?' And if it does reach the point where it gets uncomfortably personal, I tend to disguise what I'm saying in the phrasing."-- Beth Gibbons
"When your world looks kind of mean, and you wish that you weren't there.... Just close your eyes and look beneath, and you can be anywhere...." (Muppet Babies Theme Song)
There was something - difficult to describe, when you've only got shoddy, post-modernist adjectives to work with - cheerfully revential in his manner, as if he had just seen the Messiah and remembered that the Messiah owed him twenty quid.-- Tom Holt ("My Hero")
"This site is intended for people over 18, but only because kids shoot each other if they hear the word 'fuck'."
"I wanted to make a little spot in the context of the record where there was this break in the action. In the midst of this buildup of these ever-growing, terrible machines, I just wanted to remember that there is somewhere... else."-- Trent Reznor
Christianity poisoned Eros, but Eros did not die, it merely degenerated into a vice.-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Books: A controlled hallucinogen known to regularly cause people to imagine things that are not really there.
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'-- Dave George
"I sound like a fruitcake sitting here saying all this shit."-- Trent Reznor
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.-- Groucho Marx
'I think,' he said slowly, 'that the only reason people think you can't kill a vampire by shoving its head up its own arse is because nobody's ever actually tried it. What do you think, guys?'-- Tom Holt ("My Hero")
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."-- George Bernard Shaw
You don't have to think too hard while talking to teachers.-- J.D. Salinger
The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered with me long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.-- Nick DeCamp
"We need a new cosmology. New Gods. New Sacraments. Another drink."-- Patti Smith
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.-- A. H. Weiler
"If there is one thing that always comes out of a terrible tragedy, it is really dumb legislation." (Esquire magazine)
"Don't keep a man guessing too long--he's sure to find the answer somewhere else."-- Mae West
Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Punctuation is important. There is a world of semantic difference between "Damn straight." and "Damn, straight."
�...Because the establishment never gets it. That�s how it is with paradigm shift. The establishment does not see where the next wave is coming from. And even if they hire someone to tell them where the next wave is coming from, they never believe them.�-- Ted Nelson
"There are very few personal problems that cannot be resolved by application of suitable quantities of duct tape."
Belief is that which explains that we cannot reason. Therefore it is almost impossible to change someone's belief.
Practical philosophy: The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.
Who cares whether the glass is half full or half empty? Shouldn't the question be who's been drinking out of my glass?
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.-- Steven Wright
Bullshit, in contrast to mere nonsense, is something that implies, but does not contain, adequate meaning or truth.
"I don't know what caffeine does for you, but I'm pretty sure without it your head caves in"-- Dave (News Radio)
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.-- Carl Jung
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.-- Emo Philips
Before I came here I was confused about this subject. Having listened to your lecture I am still confused, but on a higher level.-- Enrico Fermi
On going to war over religion:
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
"There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other."-- La Rouchefoucauld
"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."-- H.L. Mencken
Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.-- Betty Talmadge
Sniglet, n: Any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."-- Dorothy Parker
A little knowledge may be a dangerous thing, but a little carnal knowledge rules.-- Wade Kwon
"There's a very fine line between a groove and a rut; a fine line between eccentrics and people who are just plain nuts."
Magrat shivered. She told herself that a witch had absolute control over her own body, and the goosepimples under her thin nightdress were just a figment of her own imagination. The trouble was, she had an excellent imagination.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult."-- C. A. R. Hoare
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.-- Edsger Dijkstra
Math Anxiety: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. (Cynic's Dictionary)
"I picked up a Magic 8-Ball the other day and it said 'Outlook not so good.' I said, 'Sure, but Microsoft still ships it.'"
"It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.-- Steven Wright
'You are not in my shoes.' -- Worf
'Too bad. You'd be amazed at what I can do in a pair of size 18's.' -- Dax (Star Trek: DS9)
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.-- Will Rogers
"Mosquitoes have caused more deaths than all the wars. Guppies devour mosquito larvae so may be the best defense against them...We budget billions for military systems. Preposterous! Spend it on guppies!" (letter to the editor, Eugene newspaper)
"The country has charms only for those not obliged to stay there."-- Edouard Manet
"When the people fear their government there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."-- Thomas Jefferson
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.-- Gloria Leonard
I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.-- Mark Twain
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.-- Oscar Wilde
"Here's a horrible thought: You know how dumb the average person is? Well, half the human race is even dumber than that..."
There are only two industries that refer to their customers as 'users.'-- Edward Tufte
98% of us Americans are hard-working people. It's the other 2% that give us a bad reputation. Then again, we did elect them.
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.-- Mark Twain
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."-- Ellen DeGeneres
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."-- Eric Hoffer
"It stands for 'Sales and Marketing', you depraved monkeys."
"A rose by any other name, Stef."
(userfriendly.org)
Religion is for people afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who have already been there.
Choconiverous, adj: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
"There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone."-- Gloria Steinem
Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.-- The Register
"The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."-- Theodore Rubin
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.-- Mark Twain
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.-- Dorothy Parker
I listen so that I may decipher the mystery of myself and become more whole.-- Richard Moss
All goverments suffer a recurring problem: Power attracts pathalogical personalities. It is not that power corrupts but that it is magnetic to the corruptible. Such people have a tendency to become drunk on violence, a condition to which they are quickly addicted.-- Frank Herbert
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.-- Abraham Lincoln
"For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong."-- H. L. Mencken
It's so strange how out of nowhere parents can turn psychic. It's unnerving.-- Angela Chase
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."-- Carl Jung
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Uhh, yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?
"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."-- Nietzsche
Consult: To seek another's approval of a course already decided on.-- Ambrose Bierce
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".-- Philip K. Dick
"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere."-- G. K. Chesterton
"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."-- Mark Twain
Education, then, beyond all other devices of human origin, is the great machinery.-- Horace Mann
"Pity the educated cynics who refuse to enjoy the fun, choosing instead to remain faithful to their numb anguish. Mourn for the humorless devotees who refuse to join in the juicy unpredictable game so that they might feed their spiritual greed, pretzeled up motionless on prayer mats with the torment of grave meditations. Have compassion for the imagination-dead heroes who cling so tightly to the masks they've forged for themselves that they're dead to the delight of molting."-- Rob Brezsny
When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?-- Douglas Gauck
Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.-- Dandemis
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.-- Charles Brower
They call television a medium. That is because it is neither rare nor well done.-- Ernie Kovacs
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.-- Fred Allen
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.-- Max Frisch
I'm always making a comeback, but nobody ever tells me where I've been.-- Billie Holiday
Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.-- Samuel Goldwyn
"I would rather believe that God did not exist than believe that He was indifferent."-- George Sand
Selfish, adj.: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.-- Ambrose Bierce
For most mothers, day care is a problem. I'm looking for night care, too.-- Cathy Crimmins
Words skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere.-- Amy Tan
Rhetorical subtlety doesn't work on people with the perceptive powers of an eggplant.-- Spencer Sun
We can only see a short distance ahead, but we can see plenty there that needs to be done.-- Alan Turing
The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for it is occupation.-- George Bernard Shaw
Just about all real intellectual activity starts from the understanding that *there is a problem here*, especially in things we take for granted.-- Arnold Zwicky
We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them.-- Evelyn Waugh
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."-- George Burns
"This space intentionally has nothing but text explaining why this space has nothing but text explaining that this space would otherwise have been left blank, and would otherwise have been left blank."
"In corporate religions as in others, the heretic must be cast out not because of the probability that he is wrong but because of the possibility that he is right."-- Antony Jay
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."-- Oscar Wilde
I must invent my own philosophical systems, or else be enslaved by other men's.-- William Blake
"Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds are dimmed."-- R.S. Ingersoll
The effort of using machines to mimic the human mind has always struck me as rather silly. I would rather use them to mimic something better.-- Edsger Dijkstra
"Either what you've said is so vague that it's meaningless or I disagree with you completely."-- Tom Maddox
There are three sorts of despots. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the body. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the soul. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the soul and body alike. The first is called the Prince. The second is called the Pope. The third is called the People.-- Oscar Wilde
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."-- Goethe
I am not a Christian myself. I fact I spend considerable effort trying to debunk Christian superstition, particularly that which is used to justify killing and discriminating against gays. However, Jesus did have some interesting ideas. It's too bad Christians have given him such a bad reputation by association. Were he simply a philosopher, I think he would command greater respect generally, and more sensible respect by Christians.-- Roedy Green
Half of what I say is meaningless; but I say it so that the other half may reach you.-- Kahlil Gibran
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.-- Ambrose Bierce
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.-- Lucille S. Harper
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.-- Mary Little
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts — for support rather than illumination.-- Andrew Lang
Cats are famously umoved by others,
each cat its own king of its own land.
Socialists we be called by others,
a bad word I've heard when uttered by men.-- Maggie Mae Fish
"Does it occur to you, the fallibility of CIT thinking? Flux-thinking. You have prophetic dreams, remember? You can dream about a man drinking a glass of milk. A week later you can see Yanni drinking tea at lunch and if seeing him do that has a high shock-value, you'll super the dream-state right over him, you'll swear you dreamed about him doing that, exactly at that table, and even psychprobe can't sort it out after that."-- C.J. Cherryh (Cyteen, Grant ALX)
"Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock."-- New York Times
"Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon."
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.-- Andy Tanenbaum
We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others by their acts.-- Harold Nicolson
"The BBC is like a sausage machine: whatever you put in one end, you get Dr. Who out the other".-- Neil Gaiman
"I open up more when it's conversational. Otherwise, they're proving how smart they are, and I'm proving how smart I am. It's a penis race, and we're both losing. I'd rather just hang out and see where it can go."-- Tori Amos (The Orlando Sentinel, April 12, 1996)
Chicken Soup, n.:
An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.-- Arthur Naiman ("Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish")
Don't seek happiness. Happiness is like an orgasm. If you think about it too much it goes away.-- Tim Minchin
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.-- Abba Eban
Sometimes I wish I had a knob to turn up the intelligence on the Internet. I have one on my monitor marked brightness, but it doesn't seem to work very well, does it?-- Bryan Manske
"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy."-- Robert Anthony
There are lots of things I'd like to be someday, but "normal" is definitely not one of them.-- Nelson Minar
Can there be, when you think about it, a more improbable sentiment than 'Get fucked!'? We might as well snarl 'Make a lot of money!' or 'Have a nice day!'-- Bill Bryson (The Mother Tongue)
"In America sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact."-- Marlene Dietrich
"Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others."-- Fyodor Dostoevsky
There are two ways spreading the light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.-- Edith Wharton
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.-- Francis Bacon
Saying that the just overturned systems of eastern Europe are proof the socialism isn't good or doesn't work, is sort of like saying that a particular Christian church that failed in producing ethical behavior in its adherents is proof that we need to abandon the Golden Rule and start being nasty to each other.-- Rob Bernardo
Aquadextrous, adj: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.-- Horace Walpole
"Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you." (Cheers)
Wit is a form of arousal.
We challenge one another to be funnier and smarter.
It's high-energy play.
It's the way friends make love to one another.-- Anne Gottlieb
Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
...as opposed to Xena's paradox, which is, "How exactly can she fight in that leather outfit, and leave all of that flesh exposed, and survive?"
In a church bulletin: This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other 'sins' are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful-- just stupid.)-- Robert A. Heinlein
"O human race, born to fly upward, wherefore at a little wind dost thou so fall?"-- Dante Alighieri
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us are going to the stars.-- Robert A. Heinlein
"Whenever a separation is made between liberty and justice, neither, in my opinion, is safe."-- Edmund Burke
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A: A deep C diva.
It is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken.-- Audre Lorde
If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.-- W. C. Fields
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
"It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him."-- J. R. R. Tolkien
"I don't mind you coming here and wasting all my time, 'cause when you're standing oh so near, I kinda lose my mind."-- The Cars
We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.-- Jonathan Swift
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.
"The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream: it is a most depressing and humiliating reality."-- Oscar Wilde
"Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim."-- Bertrand Russell
Practical uses of physics laws:
Student to teacher:
"I determined the momentum of my homework's so accurately that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe by now..."
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.-- Lily Tomlin
Some days I think it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Like Saturdays, when I don't have to go to work.-- R. M. Weiner
I save about twenty drafts -- that's ten meg of disc space -- and the last one contains all the final alterations. Once it has been printed out and received by the publishers, there's a cry here of 'Tough shit, literary researchers of the future, try getting a proper job!' and the rest are wiped.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
"Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwile."-- Franklin P. Jones
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. (Ladies' Home Journal)
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.-- Douglas Adams (The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy radio scripts)
"It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand."-- Mark Twain
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.
"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists ... in the loved one, perfection."-- Sidney Poitier
So where are all the lust-crazed engineering groupies that my college recruiter talked about ?-- James Knowles
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking other people to live as one wishes to live."-- Oscar Wilde
"It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'as pretty as an airport' exist."-- Douglas Adams
"It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis."-- Dennis Miller
Give me books, French wine, fruit, fine weather and a little music out of doors, played by somebody I do not know.-- John Keats