660 hits
Never moon a werewolf.
"Que sera, seratonin! (Meep.)"-- Mercy
Maybe cybergoths are just cyberpunks who get laid.-- Sourcerer
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."-- Herbert Hoover
Never try to lick a glacier.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
ERROR: Hit any user to continue
Most people deserve each other.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Rehab is for quitters.
"God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier."-- Bumper sticker
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
What is dignity without honesty?-- Cicero
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together-- Herbert Prochnow
Be the person you needed when you were younger.
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.-- Eric Hoffer
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."-- Eric Hoffer
Where there is great love, there are always wishes.-- Willa Cather
"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you."-- Eric Hoffer
Cat, n: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
Cat: Ethereal music wreathed in mystery.
My karma ran over my dogma.
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?"-- Bumper sticker
Never underestimate the falseness of a generalisation.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
"I find imperfection the most interesting thing about a person"-- Jodi Foster
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture"-- Bumper sticker
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.-- Will Rogers
To err is human. And stupid.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
Much learning does not teach understanding.-- Heraclitus
Aftermath, n: The period following algebra.
Headline: Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Morris dancing is an exercise in fertility.
"When people are bored, it is primarily with their own selves that they are bored."-- Eric Hoffer
To be understood is a luxury.
"One person can trigger a million thoughts."
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, haberdashers don't haberdash, hammers don't ham, and humdingers don't humding.-- Richard Lederer (Crazy English)
"Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers."-- Robert Hummel
"The biggest disease today isn't leprosy or tuberculosis, but the feeling of being unwanted."-- Mother Theresa
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.-- Albert Einstein
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Oh, soddit, blackmail is too much like work.-- Roger BW
Honk if you've slept with Riker.
"The more I watch television, the more I wonder why I'm not already supreme ruler of Earth."-- Dogbert (Dilbert)
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."-- Robert Frost
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.-- Adolf Hitler
There must be more to life than sitting there wondering if there is more to life.
He was as shy as a newspaper is when referring to its own merits.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password.
Democracy is the form of government where everyone gets what the majority deserves.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual.
"Indifference is isolation. In difference is texture and wonder."-- Edwin Schlossberg
Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"
Terror: A female Klingon with PMS.
"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy."-- Robert Anthony
Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but we want a different one.-- Ivern Ball
The older I get, the more I think you ever learn is either further subtleties, or further distractions.
Emacs is a good operating system, but I prefer Unix.
Eiffel Tower: The Empire State Building after taxes.
A bit of tolerance is worth a megabyte of flaming.-- Henry Spencer
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Whenever you fall, pick someone up.
"When solving a kernel panic you must first ask yourself what you were doing that could possibly frighten an operating system."-- Peter van der Linden
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.-- Jeremy S. Anderson
"The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action."-- Frank Herbert
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.-- Will Rogers
Headline: Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.-- Dave Butler
"Grand ennui" sounds so much nicer than "annoyance."-- Eric P. Scott
Things will get better, despite our efforts to improve them.-- Will Rogers
"In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from."-- Peter Alexander Ustinov
She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers.-- Dr. Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters.)
"We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person, perfectly."
Do unto others before they undo you.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
"When the people fear their government there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."-- Thomas Jefferson
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.
Remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
"Not a Morning Person" doesn't even begin to cover it.
"Unrequited love. It's fantastic! It never has to change, it never has to grow up, it never has to die."-- Vince Tyler (Queer as Folk)
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.-- Albert Einstein
Selfish, adj.: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.-- Ambrose Bierce
The only good strategy is one that no one else understands.-- Tracy Kidder
Headline: 'Two sisters reunited after eighteen years at checkout counter'
There's many a best seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.-- Flannery O'Connor
"Good old days: Beer foamed and drinking water didn't."
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
Adolescence, n: The stage between puberty and adultery.
"The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy."-- Louis Kronenberger
Politics: strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.-- Ambrose Bierce
"It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."-- Fred Adler
Men are all alike in their promises. It is only in their deeds that they differ.-- Moliere
There's a nut loose on your keyboard.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.-- Tom Weller
"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists ... in the loved one, perfection."-- Sidney Poitier
I thought I was in love once, and then later I thought maybe it was just an inner-ear imbalance.-- Fraser (Due South)
The loom works perfectly well without the steam powered wig darner and shortbread cutter stapled to the side.-- Peter da Silva
Headline: Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
I'm not a perfectionist. That would be a character flaw.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
Your powers are useless, I'm wearing tin foil underwear!
"Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa."-- Dorothy Parker
Rhetorical subtlety doesn't work on people with the perceptive powers of an eggplant.-- Spencer Sun
It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.-- Jerome K. Jerome
You don't have to think too hard while talking to teachers.-- J.D. Salinger
Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.-- Terry Pratchett
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
We accept the love we think we deserve
"Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Become a Librarian."
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.-- George Bernard Shaw
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with RAISINS in it.-- Dorothy Parker
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.-- Henry Kissinger
It's a mistake to underestimate the human capacity for self-delusion.-- Robert Park
"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"
Dad taught me everything I know, but he didn't teach me everything he knows.-- Al Unser Jr.
In case of emergency, speak in cliches.
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
I'm an apatheist. The question is no longer interesting, and the answer no longer matters.-- petro (a.s.r)
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.-- Wernher von Braun
You can tell how far we have to go when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.-- Steven Feiner
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."-- Dorothy Parker
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.-- Alfred Adler
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.-- Alfred Adler
Answer the phone naked. Callers will hear it in your voice.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
One can overstate anything. Your advertising depends on it.
There's old proverbs to suit about anything you want to do.
Seeing is forgetting the name of that which one sees.-- Paul Valery
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.-- Erica Jong
Adult, n: One old enough to know better.
Power corrupts, but we need electricity.
Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer. (Clerks)
"Some people will believe anything if you whisper it to them."-- Louis B. Nizer
Life may seem unfair, but Life never cheats the way people do.-- Stewart Kramer
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.-- George Bernard Shaw
I bet that 'Trouble with Tribbles' episode would have been different if Shatner had had a flame-thrower handy.-- R. M. Weiner
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.-- Edsger Dijkstra
Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at. This determines not only the relations of men to women, but the relation of women to themselves.-- John Berger
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.-- Laurance J. Peter
ADAPTABILITY:
Excellent: Walks on water
Good: Walks on water in emergencies
Average: Washes with water
Fair: Drinks water
Poor: Passes water in emergencies
Only a monomaniac gets what we commonly refer to as results.-- Albert Einstein
Lies, damned lies and user documentation.
"What's reality anyway? Nothing but a collective hunch."-- Jane Wagner
"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance."-- Robert R. Coveyou
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.-- Robert A. Heinlein
"Man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road."-- Alexander Smith
An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.-- Albert Camus
"Loved by some, accepted by others and misunderstood by most."
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.-- Dorothy Parker
The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony #9.-- Erwin Dietrich
"I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough."-- M. C. Escher
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.-- Albert Einstein
Consult: To seek another's approval of a course already decided on.-- Ambrose Bierce
Reconsider, v: To seek a justification for a decision already made.-- Ambrose Bierce
"Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for a little order, will lose both, and deserve neither."-- Thomas Jefferson
"Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month."-- Wernher von Braun
Men forget, but never forgive. Women forgive, but never forget.
"Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them."
Teacher's First Law of Grading Lab Papers: If an experiment has perfect results, the student has cheated.
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."-- Gilda Radner
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.-- Jean Kerr
If you don't know where you are going, you'll probably end up somewhere else.-- Laurence J. Peter
Well, there's a quantum computer that can factor [the number] 15, so those of you using 4-bit RSA should worry.-- Bruce Schneier
"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere."-- G. K. Chesterton
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A: A deep C diva.
America was founded by drug smugglers -- rum was the drug, but smugglers nonetheless.
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.-- Roger Noe
Lost: gray and white female cat. Answers to electric can opener.
Never underestimate the human capacity for cognitive dissonance.
There's a difference between knowing something and realizing it.
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: No one to blame.-- Erica Jong
Every time I have to pipe something into awk I get this mental picture of a big fat seagull with stdin connected at the wrong end.-- Arther van der Harg (a.s.r.)
Ad Nauseam: Commercials that make you puke.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired-- Robert Frost
X.400 is the mail system of the future, and I hope it stays that way.-- Erik Fair
Rational, adj: Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.-- Ambrose Bierce
Our hope of immortality does not come from any religions, but nearly all religions come from that hope.-- Robert Green Ingersoll
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.-- Charles Brower
The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered with me long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.-- Nick DeCamp
Magrat shivered. She told herself that a witch had absolute control over her own body, and the goosepimples under her thin nightdress were just a figment of her own imagination. The trouble was, she had an excellent imagination.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.-- Carol Leifer
"Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers."
They call television a medium. That is because it is neither rare nor well done.-- Ernie Kovacs
Real Programmers never work from 9 to 5. If any real programmer is around at 9 a.m., it's because they were up all night.-- Some computer geek
"Make lots of money", "enjoy the work", "operate within the law": choose 2-- Brian Anderson
Reporter, n: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.-- Ambrose Bierce
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.-- Ambrose Bierce
"Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds are dimmed."-- R.S. Ingersoll
I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Especially Bob Dylan.-- Jim Rosenberg
"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground."-- Thomas Jefferson
(A)bort (R)etry (T)oss computer across room?
Acute Angle: A very attractive early Briton.
God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.-- Albert Einstein
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir.'-- Joan Rivers
"You can best serve civilization by being against what usually passes for it."-- Wendell Berry
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little."-- Porterfield
"In each of us are places where we have never gone. Only by pressing the limits do you ever find them."-- Dr. Joyce Brothers
As far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.-- Bertrand Russell
"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."-- G. K. Chesterton
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."-- Oscar Wilde
You can be a professional without being constipated about it.-- David Keyser
"I don't have to choose, nyaah, nyaaah, nah nyaah nyaah."-- Sandra Hereld
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?-- Will Rogers
"Dreams are the answers to questions that we haven't yet figured out how to ask."-- Fox Mulder (The X Files)
Imagination, n: A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.-- Ambrose Bierce
Don't intterupt me when I'm talking to myself
Economics exists merely to employ economists.
Never only doubt or only believe your doubts.
Serving drinks on aircraft causes turbulence.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.-- Robert Bly
"I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress."-- Jane Siberry
Don't you think that with the proper amount of manpower, pliers, ropes, belts and duct tape, you actually COULD lead a horse to water AND make it drink?-- Andy Overman
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.-- George Bernard Shaw
"When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home."-- Erma Bombeck
"Everyone makes mistakes. It is what you do afterwards that counts."
Hartley's second law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
What is inconceivable about the universe is that it is at all conceivable.-- Albert Einstein
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.-- Lucille S. Harper
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.-- Robert Frost
But more frustrating are the ones who say "I could never / I would never." Let's be honest--you don't know. You don't know if you'll ever win a lottery, you don't know if you'll ever be in the position where you'll have to kill someone, you don't know if you'll ever fall in love with someone, anyone, regardless of gender.-- Elf Sternberg
All goverments suffer a recurring problem: Power attracts pathalogical personalities. It is not that power corrupts but that it is magnetic to the corruptible. Such people have a tendency to become drunk on violence, a condition to which they are quickly addicted.-- Frank Herbert
"Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it."-- Jack Wagner
"There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have."-- Don Herold
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.-- Albert Einstein
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
It's 3:30 A.M. Do you know where your mail is?
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
If you're not part of the freaks, you're part of the boredom.-- Perry Farrell
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.-- Emerson
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.-- Helen Keller
There's an argument to be made that beneath every cynic there is a frustrated romantic. (Fringe)
"If you think of yourselves as helpless and ineffectual, it is certain that you will create a despotic government to be your master. The wise despot, therefore, maintains among his subjects a popular sense that they are helpless and ineffectual."-- Frank Herbert
If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, it might be amor�, but I'd be more worried about the interplanetary gravitational effects from this cataclysmic event.-- Paul Paternoster
Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression.-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
They say that every man has a price at which he'll do anything. I like to think it's the other way around; every man has a line, a line he won't cross over, no matter what the cost.-- Fraser Sr. (Due South)
At the beginning and at the end of love, the two lovers are embarrassed to find themselves alone.-- La Bruyere
"Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work."-- Clive Barker
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.-- Albert Einstein
Brain, n: The apparatus with which we think that we think.-- Ambrose Bierce
A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.-- Elbert Hubbard
Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.-- Elbert Hubbard
"A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity."-- Robert Frost
Lust comes at first sight, love comes after staring at the same person for elongated periods of time.-- lj user slvrstarlight
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.-- Potter Stewart
Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time. (A coffee cup)
There is perhaps no phenomenon which contains so much destructive feeling as moral indignation, which permits envy or hate to be acted out under the guise of virtue.-- Erich Fromm
"Programming graphics in X is like finding the square root of PI using Roman numerals."-- Henry Spencer
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.-- A. H. Weiler
"I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy."-- Bern Williams
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?-- Albert Einstein
"Microsoft is not the problem. Microsoft is the symptom."-- Eric S. Raymond
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.
You see, the conditional modifers depend on certain variables like the day of the week, the number of players, chair positions, things like that. [...] There can't be more than a dozen or two that are pertinent.-- Robert Asprin ("Little Myth Marker")
Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.-- Ambrose Bierce
"Writers aren't exactly people...they're a whole lot of people trying to be one person."-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.-- Albert Einstein
Reason, v.i: To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.-- Ambrose Bierce
You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think.-- Elbert Hubbard
Enjoy yourself. If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.-- Jack Schaefer
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.-- Susan Ertz
"O human race, born to fly upward, wherefore at a little wind dost thou so fall?"-- Dante Alighieri
"I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better."-- G. C. Lichtenberg
Imagine a stegosaurus wearing rocket powered roller skates, and you'll get a fair idea of its elegance, stability and ease of crash recovery.-- Lionel Lauer
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
"If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war. Lots of accidents, maybe."
Baby-sitter, n: A teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.-- Robert Benchley
"Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind."-- Terry Pratchett
"Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim."-- Bertrand Russell
Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.-- Pete Seeger
Don't you talk to me about progress. Progress just means bad things happen faster.-- Terry Pratchett
In a cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.-- George Bernard Shaw
I like Frenchmen very much, because even when they insult you they do it so nicely.-- Josephine Baker
There are only two industries that refer to their customers as 'users.'-- Edward Tufte
"Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life's problems."-- Homer Simpson
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us are going to the stars.-- Robert A. Heinlein
"Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after."-- Anne Lindbergh
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.-- Christopher Morley
"He'd never realized that, deep down inside, what he really wanted to do was make things go splat."-- Terry Pratchett (Reaper Man)
It's okay. Life doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be lived. (Dexter)
It swims through a sublogical fantasy world where there are no rules that can't be violated by the set designer, where everybody is really thin and beautiful and wears really cool clothes, and where death is everywhere.-- Stephen Hunter (The Washington Post, review of 'The Cell')
Ah, twitter, where people will be deeply outraged for one to six hours, before forgetting forever.
Please... there is a 'u' after every 'q' in French. (Well, almost; the exceptions are 'cinq', 'iraqien', 'coq'--five Iraqi cocks.)-- Frederic Maffray
"Here's a horrible thought: You know how dumb the average person is? Well, half the human race is even dumber than that..."
May you get to Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you're dead.-- Irish Proverb
I don't like to spread gossip, but what else can you do with it?-- Sandy Hereld
"She who has the biggest sword gets to be the biggest bitch."-- Kymberli Morris
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.-- Tom Lehrer
Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer `yes' without having asked any clear question.-- Albert Camus
Please storyteller, pull a tale from your pocket,
Spin me a story from your coat-tails so bare,
For my heart has turned cold, and my dreams are too old,
And I need to know the magic's still there-- Heather Alexander (Storyteller)
We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.-- Albert Einstein
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."-- George Bernard Shaw
Common sense: The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.-- Albert Einstein
"The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums."-- Peter De Vries
Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.-- The Register
"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."-- Ingrid Bergman
I try to make computers say things like "You have 60 seconds to achieve safe distance".-- Terry Pratchett
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.-- Bertrand Russell
"Bother," said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh."
A poet is someone who is astonished by everything.
Adultery - two wrong people doing the right thing.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.-- Mark Twain
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.-- Chinese Proverb
Moral behavior is survival behavior above the individual level.-- Robert Heinlein
"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother.
"Encouragement, dear..." she replied.
The BeOS takes the best features from the major operating systems. It's got the power and flexibility of Unix, the interface and ease of use of the MacOS, and Minesweeper from Windows.-- Tyler Riti
"It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis."-- Dennis Miller
Maybe life is a grindstone; whether it polishes you or wears you down depends on what you're made of.-- Kay Fletcher
"Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."-- Henry Ward Beecher
"As long as the music's loud enough, we won't hear the world falling apart."-- Derek Jarman
The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.-- Ellery Queen
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Law of Hydrodynamics: When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
The effort of using machines to mimic the human mind has always struck me as rather silly. I would rather use them to mimic something better.-- Edsger Dijkstra
The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for it is occupation.-- George Bernard Shaw
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
You will trip and fall over a three-eared cat today
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."-- Ernest Hemingway
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Love is like a fruit. It may look good, but you shouldn't bite in it until it's ripe.-- Nick Hertl
"The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good."-- Robert Graves
Before I came here I was confused about this subject. Having listened to your lecture I am still confused, but on a higher level.-- Enrico Fermi
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"-- Jerry Seinfeld
Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind.-- Albert Einstein
"Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words."-- Dorothy Parker
"I'll fight for you, but I will not compete for you... There's a difference."
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
Organized Religion is like Organized Crime; it preys on peoples' weakness, generates huge profits for its operators, and is almost impossible to eradicate.-- Mike Hermann
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Uhh, yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.-- Dorothy Parker
"The bigger the information media, the less courage and freedom they allow. Bigness means weakness."-- Eric Sevareid
There is a superstition in avoiding superstition.-- Francis Bacon
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.-- Elbert Hubbard
"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."-- Walter Bagehot
"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away."-- Barry Goldwater
"In California everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is a therapist going to a therapist."-- Truman Capote
The commercial availability of software to check spelling, grammar, and style does serve quite well as a form of stupidity tax.-- Amanda Walker
Nerb, n: a noun used as a verb. For example: ''They didn't language the proclamation very well''. nerb, nerbing, nerbed v. the act of using nouns as verbs in a sentence.-- Rich Hill
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
Adventure: The land between entertainment and panic.
Don't publicly appear clever. It is a real nuisance.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
"A conservative is someone who admires radicals a century after they're dead."
Arachnoleptic fit, n: The frantic dance performed just after you accidentally walk through a spider web.
Science without religion is lame; religion without science is blind.-- Albert Einstein
The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.-- Tommy Smothers
We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.-- John Gardner
[Perl] isn't a programming language, it's a thousand special case rules flying in close formation.-- Peter da Silva
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa.-- Robert A. Heinlein
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.
I'm sure we can arrange an academic scholarship for Detritus. Troll cheerleaers would be nice: 'Two... four.... er.. many... lots'.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.-- Samuel Butler
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, your're overdoing it.-- J. Jenkins
You're probably the sort who would have Dorothy arrested for throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West.-- Eric Holeman
"If angst were a popsicle, I'd be suckin' the stick."
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.-- Albert Einstein
"[The] human mind was like a compass. No matter how much you shook it up, no matter what happened to it, sooner or later it'd carry on pointing the same way."-- Terry Pratchett (Johnny and the Dead)
All animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.-- Samuel Butler
"Well, let's just say, 'if your VCR is still blinking 12:00,you don't want Linux'".-- Bruce Perens
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.-- Kierkegaard
If the mind were exercised as much as the mouth, we would be a race of geniuses.
These lovers of esoterica seem to derive a great deal of intellectual satisfaction out of not quite understanding what they are doing.
In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.-- Oscar Wilde
"The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands."-- Alexander Penney
Imagination grows by exercise, and contrary to common belief, is more powerful in the mature than in the young.-- W. Somerset Maugham
"Martyrdom has always been a proof of the intensity, never of the correctness of a belief."-- Arthur Schnitzler
To be modest is to understand oneself as being capable of all men's weaknesses.-- Bernard of Clairvaux
Quality without creativity is pompous;
Creativity without quality is infantile.-- John Cerruti
Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
You're about as accurate as an archer in a centrifuge.
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
Secret, n: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Academe, n:
An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy, n:
[from Academe] A modern school where football is taught.-- Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)
Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.-- Bertrand Russell
"The spam wars are about rendering email useless for unsolicited advertising before unsolicited advertising renders email useless for communication."-- Walter Dnes / Jeff Wynn
The door opened. It opened very slowly, and with the maximum amount of creak. Simple neglect wouldn't have caused that depth of groan; you'd need careful work with hot water over a period of weeks.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
As the main says, it has yet to be proven intelligence has any survival value.
Whether it deserves some respect is another matter.
"Goldilocks is about property rights. Little Red Riding Hood is a tale of seduction, rape, murder, and cannibalism."-- Bernard J. Hibbits
To some extent any use of language (and conceptual categories) distorts reality by coercing instances into types.-- Rob Bernardo
"I don't know who Jim Henson is but I've heard he has his hand in a lot of things around here."-- Kermit the Frog (in 1972)
A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's 'St. Matthew Passion' on a ukelele.
It seems more people are bitten by new yorkers per year than by sharks.
More to the point, new yorkers can be anywhere, not being limited by water. Fear them.
Great Lover, n: A man who can breathe through his ears.
He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke.
In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay.
Join the army: meet interesting people, then kill them.
Love will find a way. Indifference will find an excuse.
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
You think Oedipus had a problem--Adam was Eve's mother.
'Impossible' tends to be an opinion rather than a fact.
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion-- Ambrose Bierce
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.-- Elayne Boosler
"Sometimes the need to mess with their heads outweighs the millstone of humiliation."-- Fox Mulder (The X-Files)
If I'm not back in five minutes, wait longer. (Ace Ventura)
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.-- Robert Frost
Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness.-- James Thurber
Today was a really, really great day, on the "aaagh fuck me!" scale.-- Steve VanDevender
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how can actions speak louder than words?
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
"I met a lady in the meads
Full beautiful, a faery's child;
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild."-- Keats
A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.-- J. Pierpoint Morgan
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."-- Ellen DeGeneres
"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."-- Umberto Eco
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me."-- Hunter S. Thompson
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards."-- Soren F. Petersen
"The imposition of stigma is the commonest form of violence used in democratic societies."-- R. A. Pinker
The best way to accelerate hardware is at 9.8 m/sec/sec.
Fool-proof implies a finite number of predictable fools.
The Four Food Groups: Coffee, ice cream, beer and pizza.
You should have quit while you were only slighly behind.
There are multitudes in me. But not if I have to behave.
The singing wasn't particularly good. The only word the singer appeared to know was "la," but she was making it work hard.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
"Be kinder than necessary 'cause everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
"It's a small apartment, I've barely enough room to lay my hat and a few friends."-- Dorothy Parker
"Not all moderators and FAQ-compilers eventually become power-mad and insane. Some of them started out that way."
Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A: Because he was hungry.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Seattle reminds me a lot of London, where people will drink 12 beers but they never act drunk. Which makes you wonder what the point is of drinking 12 beers, if you're not going to put the lampshade on your head. You're killing your liver and still having no fun.-- Peter Bagge
A winning formula can be obliterated simply by the change to an ingorant new manager.
Stenderup's law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."-- Harvey Fierstein
"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
He believes in the fine arts with all the earnestness of a man who does not understand them.-- George Bernard Shaw
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
It's a joke. Like the funny kind, but different.
The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.-- Anais Nin
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"There are very few personal problems that cannot be resolved by application of suitable quantities of duct tape."
The senior wizard in a world of magic had the same prospects of long-term employment as a pogo stick tester in a minefield.-- Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Reporter to Ghandi: What do you think of western civilisation?
Ghandi: I think it would be a very good idea.
"And is it right, butterfly, they like you better framed and dried?"-- Tori Amos (Butterfly)
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.-- Dorothy Parker
"The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience."
...as usual, some long-dead guy said what I meant to say far better than I ever could.
Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
If you think that mental illness interferes with financial success, just look at the average television evangelist.
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.-- Rod Serling
Reasonable, adj: Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.-- Ambrose Bierce
Destinesia: The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress.
The difference between theory and practice is greater in practice than it is in theory.
Brandolini's law: The amount of energy needed to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude larger than to produce it.
"To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation."-- St. Augustine
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.-- Homer Simpson
Classic art was the art of necessity: modern romantic art bears the stamp of caprice and chance.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The guests giggled, and floated down to the bottom of the garden to inspect the herbaceous borders, and snatch a quick snog before the crudities.-- Stephen Foster
Unfortunately, there are like five people in the world who understand the X keyboard model--I'm not one of them--and three are insane. It's that bad.-- Tim Showalter
History, n. An account, mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.-- Ambrose Bierce
Scientists find wonder in everything, except extremely dull papers on quality assurance.
-- Telo (#xkcd)
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.-- K (MiB)
"It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."-- Norm (Cheers)
Ask a man which way he is going to vote and he will probably tell you. Ask him however why and vagueness is all.-- Bernard Levin
By working faithfully 8 hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work 12 hours a day.-- Robert Frost
The goodness of morals depends upon what the morals say, not just the fact that they are morals.-- Rob Bernardo
"Love is not the dying note of a twisted violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring."-- S.J. Perelman
A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine.
That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
On going to war over religion:
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.-- Peter de Vries
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
A conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."-- Kierkegaard
First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
The question is not so much whether there is life on Mars as whether it will continue to be possible to live on Earth.
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry.
Hence University education.-- George Bernard Shaw
All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-- Homer Simpson
"Public opinion sets bounds to every government, and is the real sovereign in every free one."-- James Madison
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction after all has to make sense, right?
"Advertising reaches out to touch the fantasy part of people's lives. And you know, most people's fantasies are pretty sad."-- Frederik Pohl
When I hear someone say they give '110%' to whatever they're doing, it makes me feel good inside, because I know I'm not as big a moron as that person is.-- Jim Rosenberg
"The main differences between a computer salesman and a used car salesman is that the used car salesman can probably drive and knows when he's lying."-- Peter da Silva
"There comes a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.-- Bertrand Russell
Thinking is not a panacea, but to paraphrase Gandhi, maybe it would be a good idea to try some.-- Jess Anderson
I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
I trusted him like a brother -- which is to say, not at all.
The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Antisocial arrogance is only for those of us who deserve it.
I used to have an internal modem, but it made me walk funny.
Lunatic Asylum, n: The place where optimism most flourishes.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
"The law isn't justice. It's a very imperfect mechanism. If you press exactly the right buttons and are also lucky, justice may show up in the answer. A mechanism is all the law was ever intended to be."-- Raymond Chandler
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
Given a choice between dancing pigs and security, users will pick dancing pigs every time.
There is no CyberSpace, just a lot of people pretending.-- Sam Kass
"I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."-- Jerry Garcia
PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.-- Jon Ribbens
If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom and yet renounce controversy are people who want crops without ploughing the ground.-- Frederick Douglass
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing.-- Gamel Abdel Nasser
[Disk] quotas are evil; they discourage users from learning how their greed impacts others. We're not here to parent users, we just provide a model electronic ecosystem. If they deplete their resources, they become extinct. A very simple concept.-- Eric P. Scott
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. (Ladies' Home Journal)
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke."-- Ambrose Bierce
"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."-- H.L. Mencken
Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.