234 hits
There's an argument to be made that beneath every cynic there is a frustrated romantic. (Fringe)
You don't have to think too hard while talking to teachers.-- J.D. Salinger
Destinesia: The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
"Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds are dimmed."-- R.S. Ingersoll
We can only see a short distance ahead, but we can see plenty there that needs to be done.-- Alan Turing
Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.-- Henry Kissinger
Your powers are useless, I'm wearing tin foil underwear!
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.-- Robert Cringely ("InfoWorld")
He was as shy as a newspaper is when referring to its own merits.
There must be more to life than sitting there wondering if there is more to life.
Insecurity is comparing our behind the scenes to others highlight reel.
Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression.-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A: A deep C diva.
Our hope of immortality does not come from any religions, but nearly all religions come from that hope.-- Robert Green Ingersoll
Law of Hydrodynamics: When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Serving drinks on aircraft causes turbulence.
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Uhh, yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.-- Bill Gates
Religion often gets credit for curing rascals when old age is the real medicine.
"It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."-- Norm (Cheers)
Being called a poetess brings out the terroristress in me.-- Audre Lorde
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"'Stay' is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary."
Headline: Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
Thinking always of trying to do more brings a state of mind in which nothing seems impossible.-- Henry Ford
"Good old days: Beer foamed and drinking water didn't."
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."-- George Burns
That's what friendship means: sharing the prejudice of experience.-- Charles Bukowski
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, haberdashers don't haberdash, hammers don't ham, and humdingers don't humding.-- Richard Lederer (Crazy English)
It's so strange how out of nowhere parents can turn psychic. It's unnerving.-- Angela Chase
"How many fingers am I holding up?" -- Kirk, making the Vulcan salute
"That's not very damn funny."-- McCoy (Star Trek III)
Things written above an urinal: 'The future is in your hands!'
"If houses were built the way software is built,
the first woodpecker would bring down civilization."
Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.-- William James
Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.-- Tom Stoppard
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."-- Bob Ettinger
There's a difference between knowing something and realizing it.
The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice.-- R. D. Laing
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your middle finger and tell someone to "bite me!"
"Geologists will date anything."
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.
From the 'Rules for women':
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
"One of the CIA's few endearing traits is its penchant for making headlines. It is the world's most fully headlined secret agency."
Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.-- Mark Van Doren
Adultery - two wrong people doing the right thing.
This world doesn't need fixing. It needs changing.
In a church bulletin: This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
A winning formula can be obliterated simply by the change to an ingorant new manager.
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.-- H. L. Mencken
The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered with me long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.-- Nick DeCamp
Terror: A female Klingon with PMS.
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it is fun trying.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Human behavior changes only under the impact of new technology
(Paraphrase of Moon's First Law, from Schrodinger's Cat by R.A. Wilson)
Nothing true is popular, and nothing popular is true.
"I'll take Fucking Clues for $200."
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.-- Max Frisch
Last night you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me.
...do it again.-- Morticia Addams
Notice in a hotel lobby in Bucharest:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
I like life -- it's something to do.
"Love is not the dying note of a twisted violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring."-- S.J. Perelman
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.-- Albert Einstein
Please do not duck the next time the clue-by-four swings your way.-- Ben Browning
Fanfiction is just fixing things in post-post-production
"You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone."-- John Ciardi
Accuracy, n: The vice of being right.
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; happiness is doing it.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
If there is no such thing as justice then the best we can hope for is revenge
Elbonics, n: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.-- John Keats
"Every man has his follies, and often they are the most interesting thing he has got."-- Josh Billings
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
The singing wasn't particularly good. The only word the singer appeared to know was "la," but she was making it work hard.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
Anti-paranoia is that eerie feeling that nothing is connected to anything else.
One can overstate anything. Your advertising depends on it.
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.-- Goethe
"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy."
'Truth' never set anyone free. It is only doubt which will bring mental emancipation.-- Anton LaVey
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.-- Helen Keller
Television: the bland leading the bland.
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."-- Ernest Hemingway
Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and are always bothering us to do something for them.-- Oscar Wilde
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Decafalon, n.: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Microsoft: Re-inventing the square wheel.
Mirth prolongeth life and causeth health.
Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Quality Of Life: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress. (Cynic's Dictionary)
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.-- Otto von Bismarck
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
So where are all the lust-crazed engineering groupies that my college recruiter talked about ?-- James Knowles
Thinking: The talking of the soul with itself.-- Plato
Aftermath, n: The period following algebra.
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
He who laughs last found the dirty meaning.
Morris dancing is an exercise in fertility.
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.-- Tom Weller
I'm an apatheist. The question is no longer interesting, and the answer no longer matters.-- petro (a.s.r)
God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends.
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
"Professor Plum, you were once a professor in Psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homocidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur."
"Yes, but now I work for the United Nations."
"So, your work has not changed..." (Clue)
There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.-- Silent Bob (Clerks)
"I'm often silent when I'm screaming inside."
Don't intterupt me when I'm talking to myself
I'm not doing this just to be weird.
Renning's Maxim: Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."-- Hemingway
On going to war over religion:
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
Is there anything safer than TV-style seriousness--i.e., delivering the conventional wisdom as if it were the deeply important truth?-- Pauline Kael
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.-- Redd Foxx
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Machine learning, n: Automation of your biases
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
"Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well."
People are always so boring when they band together. You have to be alone to develop all the idiosyncrasies that make a person interesting.-- Andy Warhol
Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN!-- Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes)
TCP_UP - The 16-bit TCP Urgent Pointer, encoded as the hex representation of the value of the field. The hex string MUST be capitalized since it is urgent. (RFC 3093)
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
"To describe the beating of Egg Whites is almost as cheeky as advising how to lead a happy life."-- The Joy of Cooking
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Be the person you needed when you were younger.
The weirder you are, the better you have to be if you still want to get paid.-- Ben Aveling
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.-- Edward Flaherty
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up.
"Me, getting smart with you? How would you know?"
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.-- Rod Serling
For practical purposes we have agreed that sanity consists in sharing the hallucinations of our neighbors.-- Evelyn Underhill
An unrestricted satisfaction of every need presents itself as the most enticing method of conducting one's life, but it means putting enjoyment before caution, and soon brings its own punishment.-- Sigmund Freud
"I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough."-- M. C. Escher
A poet is someone who is astonished by everything.
A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.
Catapult: device for throwing cats long distances.
Headline: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea--massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.-- Gene Spatford
"If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities."-- Maya Angelou
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.-- Dr. Who ("Face of Evil")
Alimony: the fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
If you're not confused you're not paying attention.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"-- Linda Ellerbee
The secret of happiness is not getting what you want but wanting what you get.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.-- Matt Groening
Don't torture yourself, that's what friends are for.
Eiffel Tower: The Empire State Building after taxes.
Emacs is a good operating system, but I prefer Unix.
You can't make a program without breaking some egos.
The intensity comes from meaning, not from extremes.
"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."
-- Josh Billings
First Law of Dieting:
Sex has negative calories.
"All the president is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing, and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway."-- Harry S. Truman
IRC is not 'more than a toy'. It's LESS than... a belch on a windy day. IRC is a little ant exploring the inside of a microwave oven for all five seconds of its short, happy, exploding life."-- Kibo
Thermalophobia (thur muh lo fo' be uh), n: The fear when showering that someone will sneak in, flush the toilet, and scald you to death.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.
BOMB SQUAD.
If I'm running, try to keep up. (T-Shirt)
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.-- Art Leo
"Suffering for your art is most definitely overrated but I do get a certain, I don't know, satisfaction from being able to deal with my paranoia and insecurity."-- Beth Gibbons
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
It's only fun if you can get in trouble for doing it.
When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
"Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music for longer than they would ordinarily."-- David Byrne
Angst, n: A form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon probably considered incomprehensible by those who own a recreational vehicle.-- Rick Bayan (The Cynic's Dictionary)
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own.
"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."-- Angela Monet
Lust comes at first sight, love comes after staring at the same person for elongated periods of time.-- lj user slvrstarlight
"Not a Morning Person" doesn't even begin to cover it.
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
Secret, n: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Politics: Poly (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
"The spam wars are about rendering email useless for unsolicited advertising before unsolicited advertising renders email useless for communication."-- Walter Dnes / Jeff Wynn
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.-- Mary Little
Watching these guys trying to be wireheads is like watching old people fuck-- Mike Belt
Much learning does not teach understanding.-- Heraclitus
If I'm not back in five minutes, wait longer. (Ace Ventura)
I am two fools, I know, For loving, and for saying so in whining poetry.-- John Donne
Friendship is Love without its wings. (l'Amiti� est l'amour sans ailes.)-- Lord Byron
My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.-- Stephen Hawking
A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.
Join the army: meet interesting people, then kill them.
Imagine a stegosaurus wearing rocket powered roller skates, and you'll get a fair idea of its elegance, stability and ease of crash recovery.-- Lionel Lauer
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.-- Emerson
At a silly valley place I just visited [..] they have a parrot that 'rings'. It'll 'ring' a couple times, presumably because it enjoys the power of being able to make everyone in the room do the Macarena, and then it will answer itself. "Hello!"-- Gary S. Callison (a.s.r.)
"Making the simple complicated is easy. Making the complicated simple is brilliant."
"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."-- Agatha Christie
Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
'It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.'-- Jackie Mason
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.-- Kipling
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
"The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience."