196 hits
"I'll take Fucking Clues for $200."
Shikata ga nai.
Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes.
Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Headline: Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
"Everyone makes mistakes. It is what you do afterwards that counts."
Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.
For longer than I can remember,
I've been looking for someone like you.
Someone with a head like yours,
and a torso too.
Birds sing and you're gonna pay.
The end.-- Tak (Invader Zim)
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Taking me seriously is a big mistake. I certainly wouldn't.-- Ani Difranco
Men are like parking spaces: the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Auntie Em--Hate you. Hate Kansas. Taking the dog.-- Dorothy
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.-- Betty Talmadge
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.-- Rita Mae Brown
Those who don't know, talk. Those who don't talk, know.
They don't make nostalgia like they used to.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.
The sooner you start to code, the longer the program will take.-- Roy Carlson
"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy."
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.-- Steve Wozniak
The music is the magic carpet that the other things take naps on.-- Tori Amos
The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had my life to live again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.-- Tallulah Bankhead
In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.-- Scott Fahlman
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your middle finger and tell someone to "bite me!"
The irony is that Bill Gates claims to be making a stable operating system and Linus Torvalds claims to be trying to take over the world.
In case of emergency, speak in cliches.
"I wish I could drink like a lady
I can take one or two at the most.
Three and I'm under the table --
Four and I'm under the host!"
"You are so lovely."
"Yes."
"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
Eiffel Tower: The Empire State Building after taxes.
"How many of you ever started dating somene because you were too lazy to commit suicide?"-- Judy Tenuta
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.-- Fred Allen
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.-- Hannah More
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.-- Andy Tanenbaum
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.-- Alfred Adler
"It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."
Words skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere.-- Amy Tan
The rich aren't like us, they pay less taxes.
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will he will be sure to repent it.-- Socrates
"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."-- Tori Amos
Don't intterupt me when I'm talking to myself
I have had solemnly explained to me the audible differences between digital data (S/PDIF) carried over coax and carried over optical (coax is bassier, apparently).
-- Tag
It's a mistake to underestimate the human capacity for self-delusion.-- Robert Park
What's the matter, darling? Don't you recognize me with my clothes on?-- Tallulah Bankhead
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.-- Adlai Stevenson
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.-- Roger Noe
"Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon."
Experience allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.-- Franklin P. Jones
"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."-- Voltaire
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.-- J. P. McEvoy
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.-- Wakko (Animaniacs)
"God created sex. Priests created marriage."-- Voltaire
Don’t speak unless you can improve on the silence.
You wouldn't know a good time if it stripped naked, hopped on your face, and started wiggling!-- C. Stanley
Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: No one to blame.-- Erica Jong
Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Table Snorkeling (tay' bul snawrk' ling), n: Frantic gesticulations when one bites into hot food and has to take in air to cool it off.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Catapult: device for throwing cats long distances.
"...only drugs make you feel as good as people in TV ads appear to be."-- Hakim Bey
You can't make a program without breaking some egos.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
"Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent."
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
Interpretation is the revenge of the intellect upon art.-- Susan Sontag
"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away."-- Barry Goldwater
Practical or mean and sneaky? - getting a permanent heart tatoo on your arm and getting three-day temporary tatoos for the names.
You don't wanna get laid, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you gotta talk to 'em. (Colors)
Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, then sold off piece by piece.-- Lisa (The Simpsons)
We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.-- Albert Einstein
Why can't some people take a joke? Well, maybe because they're honest, and the joke doesn't belong to them.-- Matt Diamond
"Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."-- Michael Sinz
The course of true love never did run smooth.-- Shakespeare
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.-- Kipling
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.-- Eleanor Roosevelt
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.-- Voltaire
Accountant - someone who can put two and two together and make a living from it.
Just about all real intellectual activity starts from the understanding that *there is a problem here*, especially in things we take for granted.-- Arnold Zwicky
When a metric becomes a target, it ceases to be a good metric
It's strange that men should take up crime when there are so many legal ways to be dishonest.-- Sunshine magazine
"Men are more apt to be mistaken in their generalizations than in their particular observations."-- Machiavelli
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
If God created us in his own image, we have more than reciprocated.-- Voltaire
Take it from the staff of a five-cat house: A group of cats is a "conceit." They'd like to be a "pride" but that would fool no one.-- Morely Dotes
Support your local medical examiner. Die strangely.-- Nikki Gustas
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
The law should make men free. The problem is making the law free.
"He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak."
-- Michel de Montaigne
"It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me."-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to become comfortable?-- Mia (Pulp Fiction)
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Lies, damned lies and user documentation.
"Geologists know how to make the bedrock."
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
we make happen the stuff we fear will happen
"Those who control their passions do so because their passions are weak enough to be controlled."-- William Blake
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines-- Frank Lloyd Wright
"Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed."-- Dalin B. Oaks
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.”-- Noam Chomsky
On applause: They named it Ovation from the Latin ovis, a sheep.-- Plutarch
Ad Nauseam: Commercials that make you puke.
The UNIX system has a command, 'nice', which allows a user to voluntarily reduce the priority of his process, in order to be nice to other users. Nobody ever uses it.-- Andy Tanenbaum
"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."-- Bertrand Russell
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains arouse me.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.-- Elizabeth Taylor
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.
Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but so would an 80 pound carrot.
'Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.'-- Natalie Goldberg
Thinking: The talking of the soul with itself.-- Plato
The truth shall make you free, but first it shall make you angry.
Basing any to-be-correct life philosophy on one tiny alteration of your current life philosophy, that needed replacement as you've decided, is just bound to be a mistake.
Idle hands are the air guitar's playground (Alas)
We shame outselves for the sake of simplicity.
I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.-- Voltaire
feet and stones may break my bones, but metrics are more comprehensive
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Computer Science without FORTRAN and COBOL is like birthday cake without ketchup and mustard.
"Science has made gods of us before we were even worthy of being men."-- Jean Rostand
"In the U.S. you have to be a deviant or exist in extreme boredom...Make no mistake; all intellectuals are deviants in the U.S."-- William Burroughs
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while Nature cures the disease.-- Voltaire
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."-- Albert Einstein
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics. (As it is statistically much more likely to get struck by lightning than win the lottery)
"The only interesting answers are those which destroy the questions."-- Susan Sontag
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
"No man chooses evil because it is evil;
he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks."-- Mary Wollstonecraft
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.-- William Blake
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."-- Mitch Radcliffe
While humans are very flexible creatures, we're born with a number of powerful instincts, which are found across all cultures. Chief amongst these are a dislike of snakes, a fear of falling, and a hatred of popup windows.
-- Steve Taylor
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
“I speak two languages: Body and English.”-- Mae West
"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."-- William Shakespeare
Life is a sexually transmitted, fatal disease...
Those who speak by the yard and think by the inch should be kicked by the foot.
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
"In all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other" (Contact)
"A sense of humor is the only thing that keeps intelligent people from hanging themselves."-- Voltaire
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
"If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes him."-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
Almost everything alive is about some kind of balance. Heck, even a lot of things that are not alive are about balance. However, thinking a particular balance is the only balance is often a mistake.
The BeOS takes the best features from the major operating systems. It's got the power and flexibility of Unix, the interface and ease of use of the MacOS, and Minesweeper from Windows.-- Tyler Riti
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"If you weren't Cindy Crawford, you didn`t get to ride in the little cart. I saw them take her off on a little cart, and I thought, 'I'm in the wrong profession!'"-- Tori Amos (Chicago Tribune, October 8, 1992)
"'Stay' is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary."
I must invent my own philosophical systems, or else be enslaved by other men's.-- William Blake
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how can actions speak louder than words?
The possibility of stepping into a higher plane is quite real for everyone. It requires no force or effort or sacrifice. It involves little more than changing our ideas about what is normal.-- Deepak Chopra
I once talked a guy out of blowing up the Sears tower, but I can't talk my wife out of the bathroom or my daughter off the phone. (The Negotiator)
Adventure: The land between entertainment and panic.
Glossofacilia: A tendency to use very large words to explain very small phenomena. Glossofacilia drives to complexify rather than simplify and is the natural instinct of reactionaries to an age of change.-- Jim Taylor
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
It's true that the French have a certain obsession with sex, but it's a particularly adult obsession. France is the thriftiest of all nations; to a Frenchman sex provides the most economical way to have fun. The French are a logical race.-- Anita Loos
Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile careers in the street-cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact.-- Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)
Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily.-- George Santayana
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."-- Carl Gustav Jung
He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke.
"Love makes you do the wacky"-- Willow
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.