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Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains arouse me.
Lies, damned lies and user documentation.
Doubt your beliefs and believe your doubts.
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
Absent, adj: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
[The Bible] has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.-- Mark Twain
Language and its absurd conjunctions;
Constellations and crustaceans rhyme.
To err is human. And stupid.
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
"Loved by some, accepted by others and misunderstood by most."
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Go not to Usenet for counsel, for it will say both no, and yes, and no, and yes....
Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but so would an 80 pound carrot.
"When your world looks kind of mean, and you wish that you weren't there.... Just close your eyes and look beneath, and you can be anywhere...." (Muppet Babies Theme Song)
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.-- K (MiB)
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.-- Otto Von Bismarck
"Be virtuous and you will be eccentric."-- Mark Twain
Television: the bland leading the bland.
Dot: Do you think Scratchy'd like some cologne?
Fifi: We have "Obsession", "Repression", and "Ecstacy".
Dot: Do you have anything for beginners? (Animaniacs; Survey Ladies)
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.-- Confucius
Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time. (A coffee cup)
Mirth prolongeth life and causeth health.
"Not all moderators and FAQ-compilers eventually become power-mad and insane. Some of them started out that way."
Beepilepsy, n: Aflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech
Be good to your friends, or they may develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo.
Adventure: The land between entertainment and panic.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have trained for years and years can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
From the 'Rules for women':
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
"There's a very fine line between a groove and a rut; a fine line between eccentrics and people who are just plain nuts."
Given a choice between dancing pigs and security, users will pick dancing pigs every time.
"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept."-- Calvin and Hobbes
A trial is a lot like gladiator combat. Except trials don't feature half-naked men in armor with swords and spears and those ball thingies at the ends of ropes. Well, okay -- the good trials do, but it doesn't happen often enough, if you ask me.-- Jonathan Colan
Accountant - someone who can put two and two together and make a living from it.
Thinking is not a panacea, but to paraphrase Gandhi, maybe it would be a good idea to try some.-- Jess Anderson
The guns and the bombs, the rockets and the warships, are all symbols of human failure.-- Lyndon B Johnson
You don't stick a knife in a man's back nine inches and then pull it out six inches and say you are making progress.-- Malcolm X
People want stories about things they can relate to: life and death, good and evil.
Stand and fight, you misbegotten spawn of the perverse breeding between a pixie and a squirrel!
"When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. Know what the Russians used?"
"A pencil?"
"A pencil."-- Leo, Toby and Sam, and Leo (West Wing)
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
You will trip and fall over a three-eared cat today
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. (Oxford University Press)
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
"Abuse of words has been the great instrument of sophistry and chicanery, of party, faction, and division of society."-- John Adams
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. (Ladies' Home Journal)
"Being a minister's daughter means you get really good poppy seed cake at Christmas time, and you get really wonderful dresses and things made by these really nice little old ladies. And you also get this incredible amount of confusion. But when you're 14 years old, and you don't know what your beliefs are, you're taking on everybody's beliefs around you and you're making them yours. And I'm not about the institutionalized Church at all."-- Tori Amos (Little Earthquakes Video)
Nothing true is popular, and nothing popular is true.
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.
"Hmm, pleasant effect" thought God, and flipped it off and on a few times.
A committee is an alley down which good ideas are lead and quietly strangled
Basically, to learn Unix you learn to understand and apply a small set of key ideas and achieve expertise by expanding both the set of ideas and your ability to apply them-- Paul Murphy
Given the pace of technology, I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. (Calvin & Hobbes)
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it.
"Life's a bitch, then you die. Then your necromancer daughter resurrects you, and life is still a bitch."
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."-- Thomas A. Edison
If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.-- Marie Osmond
...as opposed to Xena's paradox, which is, "How exactly can she fight in that leather outfit, and leave all of that flesh exposed, and survive?"
"Good old days: Beer foamed and drinking water didn't."
Adolescence, n: The stage between puberty and adultery.
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."-- Robert A. Heinlein
Computer Science without FORTRAN and COBOL is like birthday cake without ketchup and mustard.
We've built a deep, dark hole for your mind, and you get down in there and stay there no matter what, because if you don't obey, we'll take away everything and you'll be good and sorry, and no complaining either. Shut up! Don't EVER think. We're your mommy and your daddy and your teacher and your preacher, and we love you so much, that's why we're setting your switch to OFF. When you're older, you'll realize what a sacrifice you made for us, er, I mean, we made for you.-- Jess Anderson
Happiness is a warm puppy, stir-fried with scallions and red pepper.-- Ry Schwark
The Four Food Groups: Coffee, ice cream, beer and pizza.
"If you think about it, somewhere there's a Logrus master with Amelia Earhart, a whole squadron of P-51's, and a mile-high pile of socks and keys."
Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.
Destinesia: The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
"Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."-- Hedy Lamarr
Don't you think that with the proper amount of manpower, pliers, ropes, belts and duct tape, you actually COULD lead a horse to water AND make it drink?-- Andy Overman
So just what are time flies, and why do they like an arrow?
In the beginning was the word, and the word was "aardvark".
A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.-- Elbert Hubbard
"The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things — bad language and whatever — it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition," "There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed.-- George Carlin
"In our minds, love and lust are really separated. It's hard to find someone that can be kind and you can trust enough to leave your kids with, and isn't afraid to throw her man up against the wall and lick him from head to toe."-- Tori Amos
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password.
Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.-- Robert Benchley
Sometimes you have to bite people hard on the lip before they realize you're not kissing them, so keenly do they yearn for approval.-- Jess Anderson
Write a wise saying, and your name will live forever.-- Anonymous
Lost: gray and white female cat. Answers to electric can opener.
There's a difference between knowing something and realizing it.
"It stands for 'Sales and Marketing', you depraved monkeys."
"A rose by any other name, Stef."
(userfriendly.org)
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.
Oh yeah? You wanna step out of the giant robot and say that again?
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.-- Goethe
We have gone from a world of concentrated knowledge and wisdom to one of distributed ignorance. And we know and understand less while being increasingly capable.
-- Peter Cochrane
"Everything is convention, including law. When it is not the thought that led to the convention, but just the records of the convention that define morals, structural ethics are too dependant, and likely doomed."
We're the technical experts. We were hired so that management could ignore our recommendations and tell us how to do our jobs.-- Mike Andrews (a.s.r.)
We're not into science fiction because it's good literature, we're into it because it's weird. Follow your weird, ladies and gentlemen. Forget trying to pass for normal. Follow your geekdom. Embrace your nerditude. In the immortal words of Lafcadio Hearn, a geek of incredible obscurity whose work is still in print after a hundred years, "woo the muse of the odd."-- Bruce Sterling
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1 1/2 tons. (Popular Mechanics, March 1949)
"Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged about forever."
Hartley's second law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
"And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress."-- Basil Fawlty
Argue not with Dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with cheese.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-- Homer Simpson
If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a politician, even if you can't hear the tree or the screams, I'll bet you'd at least hear the applause.-- Paul Tindale
"To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day."
-- Winston Churchill
Imagination, n: A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.-- Ambrose Bierce
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."-- David Russell
feet and stones may break my bones, but metrics are more comprehensive
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
Seminars, n.: From `semi' and `arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
When in danger, when in doubt,
run in circles, scream and shout.
When in trouble, when in doubt,
run in circles, scream and shout
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."-- Lucille Ball
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.-- Groucho Marx
"Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves."-- J. B. Priestley
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so sure of themselves but wiser people are full of doubts.-- Bertrand Russell
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."-- George W. Bush
It is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken.-- Audre Lorde
The irony is that Bill Gates claims to be making a stable operating system and Linus Torvalds claims to be trying to take over the world.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
Why serial commas are important: "I dedicate this book to my parents, Ayn Rand and God."
“I speak two languages: Body and English.”-- Mae West
Man is, and always has been, a maker of gods. It has been the most serious and significant occupation of his sojourn in the world.-- John Burroughs
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do."-- Dale Carnegie
"Sure it's simple, writing for kids. Just as simple as bringing them up. All you do is take all the sex out, and use little short words, and little dumb ideas, and don't be too scary, and make sure there's a happy ending. Right? Nothing to it."-- Ursula K. Le Guin
At a doctors office in Rome:
"Specialist in women and other diseases"
"I wish I could drink like a lady
I can take one or two at the most.
Three and I'm under the table --
Four and I'm under the host!"
By working faithfully 8 hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work 12 hours a day.-- Robert Frost
"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties"
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
"It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."
Poetry is a deal of joy and pain and wonder, with a dash of the dictionary.-- Kahlil Gibran
"The Hindenburg crash had 62 survivors and 35 fatalities. Of the 35 deaths, 27 resulting from jumping from the airship. Many of the remaining 8 deaths resulted from burns and injuries due to the ensuing diesel fuel fire."-- Dan Egnor
Ponder: "It's all done by magic, Archchancellor."
Ridcully: "Ah. Right. None of that complicated business with springs and cogwheels and tubes and stuff, then."
Ponder: "That's right, sir. Just magic. Sufficiently advanced magic."-- Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire...-- Steven Wright
Those who speak by the yard and think by the inch should be kicked by the foot.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.-- Clarence Darrow
Practical or mean and sneaky? - getting a permanent heart tatoo on your arm and getting three-day temporary tatoos for the names.
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'-- Dave George
"I like to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say 'get a life' on them"
The American public knows what it wants, and deserves to get it good and hard.-- H. L. Mencken
"Men make angry music and it's called rock-and-roll; women include anger in their vocabulary and suddenly they're angry and militant."-- Ani DiFranco
In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.-- Oscar Wilde
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.-- Andrew Lias
Men are like parking spaces: the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
"I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now."
Our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more.-- Oscar Wilde
"We create an environment where it is alright to hate, to steal, to cheat, and to lie if we dress it up with symbols of respectability, dignity and love."-- Whitney Moore
We were raised in vastly different places,/
Yet speak this uncanny similar tongue./
Sometimes we're different races./
Certainly we're different classes./
Yet our common bonds and common graces,/
Common wounds and destinations,/
Keep us closer than some married folks.-- Judy Grahn
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.-- Bertrand Russell
"Jacob Sullum has produced a thoughtful, sane, and logical analysis of our drug laws. Is that even legal?"-- Dave Barry
"Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them."
"Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable."
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples.-- Charles Dickens
"Show me the books he loves and I shall know the man far better than through mortal friends."-- S. Weir Mitchell
"Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work."-- Clive Barker
Cigarette, n: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco inbetween.
The principle difference between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives.
Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.-- Thomas Jefferson
Anyone with a bit of intelligence and enough perseverance could do magic, which was why the wizards cloaked it with rituals and the whole pointy-hat business.
The trick was to do magic and get away with it.-- Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.-- Katharine Hepburn
The whole problem can be stated quite simply by asking, 'Is there a meaning to music?' My answer would be, 'Yes.' And 'Can you state in so many words what the meaning is? My answer to that would be, 'No.'-- Aaron Copland
"It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets."-- Voltaire
Of all the truths in the world, humor is the most satisfying and often the healthiest.
Politicians should be changed frequently, like diapers - and for much the same reason.
"It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."-- Norm (Cheers)
The difference between theory and practice is greater in practice than it is in theory.
Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and are always bothering us to do something for them.-- Oscar Wilde
I always say, keep a diary, and some day it'll keep you.-- Mae West
Motrin and espresso. The breakfast of champions.-- Sweet Poly
It's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.-- Abraham Lincoln
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.-- Dr. Seuss
"Until we take how we see ourselves (and how we see others) into account, we will be unable to understand how others see and feel about themselves and their world. Unaware, we will project our intentions on their behavior and call ourselves objective."-- Stephen Covey
You probably go to museums and complain that Monet pressed down too hard with his crayons because the picture is all bumpy.-- John Woods
Regrettable Necessity, n:
An avoidable atrocity. The term is often employed by presidents and prime ministers when announcing bombings of civilian targets and invasions of small countries.-- Chaz Bufe (The Devil's Dictionaries)
"We are the flaming, exploding, CGI-movie saturated MTV generation after all. If it isn't bright pink and green, naked, on fire and computer animated, I just yawn and walk away." (Someone on Slashdot)
Alien, n: A being who travels great distances to molest our cattle and trample our grain.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Eat a live toad in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress."-- Mark Twain
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
In a church bulletin: "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
People must think I'm a mushroom. They constantly keep me in the dark and feed me bullshit.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.-- Stephen Hawking
Is not that the nature of men and women--that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?
The greatest possible mint of style is to make the words absolutely disappear into the thought.-- Nathaniel Hawthorne
Come, let us retract the foreskin of misconception and apply the wire brush of enlightenment.
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
"We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society."-- Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
"Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds are dimmed."-- R.S. Ingersoll
Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Cruel men believe in a cruel God and use their belief to excuse their cruelty. Only kindly men believe in a kindly God, and they would be kindly in any case.-- Bertrand Russell
I do not think that any civilization can be called complete until it has progressed from sophistication to unsophistication, and made a conscious return to simplicity of thinking and living.-- Lin Yutang
It's summer and some people head for the woods.
Canoe wild streams to show they've got the goods,
Hiking and biking and running outdoors;
I think I'll just go out and lie on my porch.
Give me two pillows and a bottle of Pabst.
I once was a traveller, but my interest lapsed;
I went thousands of miles, natives to see
They were sitting on porches, laughing at me.-- Garrison Keillor
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.-- Albert Einstein
Proof by eminent authority: I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.
You don't wanna get laid, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you gotta talk to 'em. (Colors)
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.-- Disraeli
"And is it right, butterfly, they like you better framed and dried?"-- Tori Amos (Butterfly)
"County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know and I'll stop you when...Hello??" (Calvin & Hobbes)