234 hits
Magic happens.
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."-- Noelie Alito
Coincidence happens.
"Until you meet an alien intelligence you will not know what it is to be human."
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
Science is the belief that we don't need belief to know most things.
You humans are all alike.
Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
Lies, damned lies and user documentation.
Alien, n: A being who travels great distances to molest our cattle and trample our grain.
Doubt your beliefs and believe your doubts.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forget their use.-- Galileo Galilei
Men are all alike in their promises. It is only in their deeds that they differ.-- Moliere
Hindsight is an exact science.
Ellen Ripley: Whenever he says anything, you say, "right," Brett. You know that?
Brett: Right. (Alien)
"Television has lifted the manufacture of banality out of the sphere of handicraft and placed it in that of a major industry."-- Nathalie Sarraute
Sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice
'Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.'-- Natalie Goldberg
Beware the fury of a patient woman.
Fungus is actually alive. Be afraid.
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
"All the people stared as if we were both quite insane."-- The Hollies
Nowadays, originality is the art of concealing your source.
"Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed."-- Dalin B. Oaks
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
You don't have to think too hard while talking to teachers.-- J.D. Salinger
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends.
Never only doubt or only believe your doubts.
You'll go to Heck if you don't believe in Gosh.
"*snort* I'm waiting for the day when people realise that mainstream is a subset of SF without the speculation..."-- Emmet O'Brien
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
"The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bereau]."
"Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies."-- Adrienne Gusoff
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.-- Disraeli
"I gave up on new poetry myself thirty years ago, when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens on a hostile world."-- Russell Baker
I'm always making a comeback, but nobody ever tells me where I've been.-- Billie Holiday
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
"Well, let's just say, 'if your VCR is still blinking 12:00,you don't want Linux'".-- Bruce Perens
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.-- Adlai Stevenson
Alimony: the fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
Headline: Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Don't torture yourself, that's what friends are for.
The intensity comes from meaning, not from extremes.
"'Stay' is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary."
War on common sense - I think we actually won that one...
"O human race, born to fly upward, wherefore at a little wind dost thou so fall?"-- Dante Alighieri
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
"It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him."-- J. R. R. Tolkien
Quality Of Life: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress. (Cynic's Dictionary)
Bullshit, in contrast to mere nonsense, is something that implies, but does not contain, adequate meaning or truth.
I think having 'Men' and 'Women' signs on bathrooms is a bad idea, because if aliens thought those rooms held standard specimens and went in to record data, they'd get some pretty bizarre examples.-- April Van Scherpe
Never underestimate the falseness of a generalisation.
So just what are time flies, and why do they like an arrow?
'La vache qui rit est jolie.' (Laughing cows are pretty.)
The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Johner: I heard you, like, ran into these things before.
Ripley: That's right.
Johner: Wow, man. So, like, what did you do?
Ripley: I died.
(Alien: Resurrection)
Scientists find wonder in everything, except extremely dull papers on quality assurance.
-- Telo (#xkcd)
Fool-proof implies a finite number of predictable fools.
Monster AI is still in development. Some monsters may seem to be ignoring you until you actually shoot them. This is because as small aliens they refused to eat their humans and as a result suffered brain damage. We will be taking measures to ensure that all aliens receive a proper diet before the final release.-- Quake 2 Demo disclaimer
"Some people have a large circle of friends while others have only friends that they like."
Wit is a form of arousal.
We challenge one another to be funnier and smarter.
It's high-energy play.
It's the way friends make love to one another.-- Anne Gottlieb
Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known.
-- Oscar Wilde
Don't ask "why" unless you're not disappointed with answers like "I don't know."-- Andrew Walenstein
A conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
What a man knows at fifty that he didn't know at twenty is, for the most part, incommunicable.-- Adlai Stevenson
"Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right."
More to be feared than ignorance is the pretense of knowledge.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".-- Philip K. Dick
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.-- Aaron Levenstein
The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.-- Tommy Smothers
"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Therapy is expensive. Poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Majority, n: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Morality is doing what's right regardless of what you're told.
Obedience is doing what you're told regardless of what is right.
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
There's a difference between knowing something and realizing it.
"Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language."-- Ludwig Wittgenstein
You go right on thinking that. Don't let reality stop you.-- dpm
"It's been reported that John Bobbitt's porno movie grossed over 10 million. I'm not sure whether that's dollars or people."-- Conan O'Brien
feet and stones may break my bones, but metrics are more comprehensive
Indifference is the key when dealing with a narcissistic megalomaniac.
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
C++, the language in which only friends can access your private members.
A thief believes everybody steals.-- E.W. Howe
If the pen is mightier than the sword, what happens when you run out of ink?
At a doctors office in Rome:
"Specialist in women and other diseases"
Conservative: a man who believes nothing should be done for the first time.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Belief is that which explains that we cannot reason. Therefore it is almost impossible to change someone's belief.
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
Any sufficiently optimistic statement is indistinguishable from sarcasm.
"With increased knowledge comes an increased capacity for pain. So if ignorance is bliss, enlightenment must be pure hell."-- Darien Fawkes (The Invisible Man)
Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.
The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines-- Frank Lloyd Wright
"The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so that they will believe they are as clever as he."-- Karl Kraus
"Martyrdom has always been a proof of the intensity, never of the correctness of a belief."-- Arthur Schnitzler
What I am saying is that gay is good because it is, not because we can't help it. Love is good because it's love, not because we can't choose to love in any other fashion.-- Cory Kerens
The principle difference between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives.
PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.-- Jon Ribbens
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples.-- Charles Dickens
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers.-- Dr. Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters.)
"The degree of normality in a database is inversely proportional to that of its DBA"
Call me a wacky conservative, but I believe that sex toys should be easily differentiated from Pez dispensers.-- Victoria Swann
I have no problem dealing with reality, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.-- Lily Tomlin
Be good to your friends, or they may develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo.
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it - even if I have said it - unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.-- Buddha
A sufficiently optimistic statement is indistinguishable from social sycophancy.
Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
"I would rather believe that God did not exist than believe that He was indifferent."-- George Sand
Absent, adj: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
"The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists -- that is why they invented hell."-- Bertrand Russell
Science without religion is lame; religion without science is blind.-- Albert Einstein
Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.-- Samuel Butler
"The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience."
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction after all has to make sense, right?
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.-- Woody Allen
"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."-- Ken Kesey
That's what friendship means: sharing the prejudice of experience.-- Charles Bukowski
The decline in American pride, patriotism, and piety can be directly attributed to the extensive reading of so-called 'science fiction' by our young people. This poisonous rot about creatures not of God's making, societies of 'aliens' without a good Christian among them, and raw sex between unhuman beings with three heads and God alone knows what sort of reproductive apparatus keeps our young people from realizing the true will of God.-- Jerry Falwell (Reader's Digest, 1985)
Quality without creativity is pompous;
Creativity without quality is infantile.-- John Cerruti
"Those who realize their folly are not true fools"-- Chuang Tzu
Science is not a body of knowledge nor a system of belief; it is just a term which describes humankind’s incremental acquisition of understanding through observation. Science is awesome.-- Tim Minchin
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
"To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or slaves."-- Claude Adrien Helvetius
Humor is just another defense against the universe-- Mel Brooks
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.-- Oscar Wilde
A genius is just a crazy person with an audience-- Tim Minchin
"Science is nothing but developed perception, interpreted intent, common sense rounded out and minutely articulated."-- George Santayana
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.-- Ed Howe
Computer Science without FORTRAN and COBOL is like birthday cake without ketchup and mustard.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.-- Voltaire
Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
"I know what I don't believe in. I know what I've rejected. But I'm not sure what I do believe in."-- Trent Reznor
Yes, yes, sensitive, acoustic, multicultural rhythms, sensitive, yoga, tantric sex, sensitive.
Shut up and sing some old Police stuff again.-- Nat Lanza (on Sting)
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Murphy's First Law of Computing:
Whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
"They say necessity is the mother of invention. And when the necessity is survival, she can be one mean mother. Of course, it's her child, invention, who's the real dangerous one."-- Darien Fawkes (The Invisible Man)
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.-- Thomas Jones
It wasn't lies. It was just bullshit, that's all.-- Elwood Blues
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
The great enemy of truth is often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth -- persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.-- John F. Kennedy
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
Music is the science of manipulating emotion through sound.-- Angus Gray
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
There's a common component of scientific thought which says that a) if you're not a convicted Scientist then you can't get involved in discussions about Science and b) Science is all about Progress and means that things will always get better if Scientists are in Control.-- Neil Lewis
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist."
"However," replied the universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."-- Stephan Crane ("War is Kind," 1899)
In the past, men created witches; now they create mental patients.-- Tom Szasz
"What's reality anyway? Nothing but a collective hunch."-- Jane Wagner
"Greek mythology says that whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. I'd never been sure whether 'mad' meant crazy or angry. Either way, the gods were working on me pretty good right now."-- Darien Fawkes (The Invisible Man)
WARNING:
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.-- Don Marquis
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.-- Fran Lebowitz
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.-- Andre Gide
"Legend -- a lie that has attained the dignity of age."-- H. L. Mencken
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it.
We may begin to see reality differently simply because the computer ... provides a different angle on reality.-- Heinz Pagels
"So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show that's off-the-wall and full of magical robots?" (The Simpsons)
Poetry is the mixture of common sense, which not all have, with an uncommon sense, which very few have.-- John Masefield
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other 'sins' are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful-- just stupid.)-- Robert A. Heinlein
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
In business, your judged by what you say... nothing can kill the confidence of a perspective client faster then a proposal littered with grammatical, usage or punctuation errors. (Ad for RightWriter, The Grammar Checker)
Real friends are those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel that you've done a permanent job.
"Reminds me of a humorous sf story I read a few years back where an amoeboid alien escaped punishment this way (it was guilty of selling pornographic pictures to earthly biologists who used them to illustrate mitosis in their textbooks). Both the resulting individuals claimed innocence, and pointed out that they were underage."
"I have so many different personalities in me, and I still feel lonely."-- Tori Amos
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.-- Steven Wright
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.-- Francis Bacon
Cruel men believe in a cruel God and use their belief to excuse their cruelty. Only kindly men believe in a kindly God, and they would be kindly in any case.-- Bertrand Russell
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.-- Steven Wright
"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place."
-- H. L. Mencken
I don't know much about morality but I know what I shouldn't like.-- Tim Minchin
We think in language, therefore the quality of our thoughts can only ever be as good as the quality of our language.-- George Carlin
"Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it."-- Jack Wagner
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.-- Emerson
"In no sense do I advocate evading or defying the law ... That would lead to anarchy. An individual who breaks a law that his conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law."-- Martin Luther King
"They call him the Sand Spider"
"Why do they call him that?"
"Probably because it sounds scary." (True Lies)
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.-- Philip K Dick
"The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it."-- John Gilmore
Friendship is Love without its wings. (l'Amiti� est l'amour sans ailes.)-- Lord Byron
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and makes you laugh at life's realities."-- Dr. Theodore Dreissel (Dr. Seuss)
A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.-- Elbert Hubbard
John (still confused): "They're not real. They're cartoons. This is reality."
The Warners (looking at each other, then at the audience): "We won't tell him if you won't." (Farscape: Toonscape)
"The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still 'tis nonsense."-- Benjamin Franklin
Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research, as well as insufficient research, will tend to support your theory.
On going to war over religion:
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
The defect of equality is that we only desire it with our superiors.-- Henry Becque
"Propaganda is to democracy what violence is to totalitarianism."-- Noam Chomsky
"Some people will believe anything if you whisper it to them."-- Louis B. Nizer
Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.-- Betty Talmadge
Cops and reporters are much alike. Both are absolutely dedicated to doing the job at hand, regardless of obstacles. And both, deep down, really believe the rules don't apply to them.-- Jim Barlow (Houston Chronicle)
"Science has made gods of us before we were even worthy of being men."-- Jean Rostand
Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.-- Holly (Red Dwarf II, Queeg)
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while Nature cures the disease.-- Voltaire
A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine.