530 hits
"We're not exploiting women. We're exploiting middle-aged men with credit cards." (on porn)
Life is too short not to be horny on main
Fanfiction is just fixing things in post-post-production
Whoever said women don't like porn just isn't talking to the right women. Or showing them the right porn.
"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
"I became insane, with long instances of horrible sanity."-- Edgar Allen Poe
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.-- Edgar Allan Poe
"I want a chocolate bar infused with nicotine that's got a creamy coffee center... And wrap it in porn." (TheWax.com)
War on common sense - I think we actually won that one...
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.-- Gloria Leonard
Eloquence is logic on fire.
"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."-- Edgar Allen Poe
I plead contemporary insanity.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.-- Paul Biron
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.-- Horngren
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?-- Marilyn Pittman
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?-- Paul Simon
Never moon a werewolf.
After 16 years, MTV has finally completed its de-evolution into the shiny things network.-- The Onion
On a toilet door: "Q2P"
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you
We ignore truths for temporary happiness
31.69 nHz = once a year.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
There's a nut loose on your keyboard.
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little."-- Porterfield
"Conviction is a luxury for those on the sidelines."
Procrastination will rule one day, OK?
Manners are one of the truly lost causes.-- John Simon
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
"Pretty is something you're born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective."
The question is not so much whether there is life on Mars as whether it will continue to be possible to live on Earth.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."-- G. K. Chesterton
The sweetest of all sounds is praise.-- Xenophon
On an American Airlines package of nuts: Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
A troll is someone who, finding that no-one likes them, decides to pretend that it's on purpose.
The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me.-- Sloan Wilson
Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.-- Nathaniel Hawthorne
"The laws of probability, so true in general, so fallacious in particular."-- Edward Gibbon
"One person can trigger a million thoughts."
Never run from anything immortal. It only attracts their attention. (The Last Unicorn)
Rhetorical subtlety doesn't work on people with the perceptive powers of an eggplant.-- Spencer Sun
Never only doubt or only believe your doubts.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
The skin of civilization is only 7 meals thick
Subduction leads to orogeny!
Experience allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.-- Franklin P. Jones
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
If I can make just one person laugh, then it must've been a pretty good eulogy.-- Wade Kwon
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Serving drinks on aircraft causes turbulence.
"Not a Morning Person" doesn't even begin to cover it.
The guns and the bombs, the rockets and the warships, are all symbols of human failure.-- Lyndon B Johnson
Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter.-- Oscar Wilde
The greatest possible mint of style is to make the words absolutely disappear into the thought.-- Nathaniel Hawthorne
"A cult is a religion with no political power."-- Tom Wolfe
"It's been reported that John Bobbitt's porno movie grossed over 10 million. I'm not sure whether that's dollars or people."-- Conan O'Brien
"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."-- Richard Nixon
The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.-- Eden Phillpots
Adolescence, n: The stage between puberty and adultery.
Don’t speak unless you can improve on the silence.
"Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwile."-- Franklin P. Jones
Dead men tell no tales, but then, neither do mimes.-- Wade Kwon
"What makes resisting temptation difficult, for many people, is that they don't want to discourage it completely."-- Franklin P. Jones
"Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month."-- Wernher von Braun
There is a superstition in avoiding superstition.-- Francis Bacon
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
VB is very useful for allowing non programmers to prove they cant program.-- Druck
"Improvised be damned! I thought of it this morning in my bath and I wish now I hadn't wasted it on this little crowd."-- Winston Churchill
Headline: Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.-- Wernher von Braun
Secret, n: Something you tell to one person at a time.
"This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read."-- Winston Churchill
Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo!
Motrin and espresso. The breakfast of champions.-- Sweet Poly
Nothing true is popular, and nothing popular is true.
Terror: A female Klingon with PMS.
The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand.
We listen to reply.
"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists ... in the loved one, perfection."-- Sidney Poitier
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."-- Thomas A. Edison
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.-- Emerson
A BBC correspondent, reporting on plans to build a McDonalds amidst ancient Roman ruins: 'To really get into the spirit of Pompeii, the restaurant would have to be buried in volcanic ash. And if you ask me, that's not a bad idea.'
Bathquake, n: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
"For some part, genius is but an embellishment on focus"
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.-- Ronald Reagan
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.-- R. Clopton
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.-- Earl Wilson
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's 'St. Matthew Passion' on a ukelele.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.-- Franklin P. Jones
"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."-- Bryan White
I'm sick of tattoos, sick of piercings, sick of temporary tattoos. They are the white stilettos of the '90s.-- Shirley Manson
"Don't apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem."
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
"The problem with post-modernism is that you like it more if you're innumerate or illiterate; both is best."-- Graydon
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Headline: Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.-- Groucho Marx
The revolution will NOT be televised.
Modern times are an awkward spectacle. On the one hand, our public selves compete for scarce window space, for the opportunity to see in and to where power is decided and used. On the other, private life recedes like a glacier, a translucent corner of heaven meant only to be photographed, never settled.-- Revel
Practical or mean and sneaky? - getting a permanent heart tatoo on your arm and getting three-day temporary tatoos for the names.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.-- Samuel Johnson
"Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Become a Librarian."
To in good days say "look what i've reached"
and on bad days say "why was this done to me"
..is mighty disproportionate.
"Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life's problems."-- Homer Simpson
"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street."
Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts"
"What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?"-- Richard Nixon
'It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.'-- Jackie Mason
"I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now."
Domestication is the enemy of romance.
Kisses are like tears. The only ones that are real are the ones you can't hold back.
One can overstate anything. Your advertising depends on it.
'Be yourself' is about the worst advice you can give to people.-- Tom Masson
Adult, n: One old enough to know better.
Private faces in public places /
Are wiser and nicer /
Than public faces in private places.-- W.H. Auden
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.-- Don Marquis
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders."-- Sloan Wilson
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare.-- Blair Houghton
In order to become the master the politician poses as the servant.-- Charles De Gaulle
I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance.
"Public opinion sets bounds to every government, and is the real sovereign in every free one."-- James Madison
It's summer and some people head for the woods.
Canoe wild streams to show they've got the goods,
Hiking and biking and running outdoors;
I think I'll just go out and lie on my porch.
Give me two pillows and a bottle of Pabst.
I once was a traveller, but my interest lapsed;
I went thousands of miles, natives to see
They were sitting on porches, laughing at me.-- Garrison Keillor
Punctuation is important. There is a world of semantic difference between "Damn straight." and "Damn, straight."
"Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent."
The sooner you start to code, the longer the program will take.-- Roy Carlson
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.-- Steven Wright
If God had meant for us to go around naked we would have been born that way.
The two most common elements in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.-- Harlan Ellison
"A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author."-- S. C. Johnson
Government of the people
By a corrupt subset of the people
For the people who can afford the corrupt subset of the people.
-- Chris Newport
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.-- Adlai Stevenson
"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."-- Ziggy
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.-- Mae West
"All dogmas perish the thinking mind, especially ones you agree with."-- Adam Richardson
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics. (As it is statistically much more likely to get struck by lightning than win the lottery)
To my opinion, most modern poetry is written because people do not want to stand up and fight for what they are writing about.
"No one has ever loved anyone the way everyone wants to be loved."-- Mignon McLaughlin
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.-- H. L. Mencken
Friendship is Love without its wings. (l'Amiti� est l'amour sans ailes.)-- Lord Byron
A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.-- Doug Larson
"Confronted with the choice, the American people would choose the policeman's truncheon over the anarchist's bomb.-- Spiro T. Agnew
There are lots of things I'd like to be someday, but "normal" is definitely not one of them.-- Nelson Minar
"Our country was founded on a distrust of government. Our founding fathers gave power to the people to keep an eye on government. So when politicians say "Trust me" they're actually being very unamerican."-- David Duchovny (X Files)
Accountant - someone who can put two and two together and make a living from it.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.-- Dave Edison
"And really, what's so important that it can't wait until after noon, anyway?"
'Truth' never set anyone free. It is only doubt which will bring mental emancipation.-- Anton LaVey
"We cling to our own point of view, as though everything depended on it. Yet our opinions have no permanence; like autumn and winter, they gradually pass away."-- Chuang Tzu
You go right on thinking that. Don't let reality stop you.-- dpm
A little knowledge may be a dangerous thing, but a little carnal knowledge rules.-- Wade Kwon
Perpetual motion, illustrated: Try putting a slinky on an escalator.
"If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time."-- Edith Wharton
Ignoranus, n: A person who is not only ignorant, but an asshole to boot.
Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.-- Potter Stewart
I have a 3 year old. He'll have filtering software on his machine until he's at least thirteen or until he figures out how to disable it. If he's savvy enough to outgeek his dad who's been geeking for over 20 years more than him, then he deserves his porn.-- Alex Johns
"My dream job? You mean, besides marrying a millionaire and writing porno scripts for laughs? I dunno, maybe be the madam of a brothel? Could be a lot of fun."-- Amanda Firefox
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."-- Winston Churchill
Be the person you needed when you were younger.
I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.-- Orson Welles
"Ergotism is what you get if you overuse the word "therefore". Egotism on the other hand is a form of "I" strain."-- Paul Martin
"If we can dispel the delusion that learning about computers should be an activity of fiddling with array indexes and worrying whether X is an integer or a real number, we can begin to focus on programming as a source of ideas."-- Harold Abelson
People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.-- Will Rogers
Machine learning, n: Automation of your biases
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.-- Plato
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.-- Earl Wilson
"The degree of normality in a database is inversely proportional to that of its DBA"
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
Wreckless Driving -- You'd think that would be a good thing.-- Chris Sampson
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
BASIC, n.:
A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
Sign in a hotel elevator in Paris:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them.-- J. von Neumann
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."-- Bill Watterson (Calvin & Hobbes)
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere."-- G. K. Chesterton
Eat a live toad in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
2, 3, 3, 37 - the prime factorization of the beast.
The job of the poet is to render the world -- to see it and report it without loss, without perversion. No poet ever talks about feelings. Only sentimental people do.-- Mark Van Doren
"I like to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say 'get a life' on them"
"There comes a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it."-- Doug Larson
The difference between theory and practice is greater in practice than it is in theory.
"Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."-- Michael Sinz
Why serial commas are important: "I dedicate this book to my parents, Ayn Rand and God."
ADAPTABILITY:
Excellent: Walks on water
Good: Walks on water in emergencies
Average: Washes with water
Fair: Drinks water
Poor: Passes water in emergencies
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."-- Gilda Radner
A poet is someone who is astonished by everything.
Sometimes you have to bite people hard on the lip before they realize you're not kissing them, so keenly do they yearn for approval.-- Jess Anderson
It's only fun if you can get in trouble for doing it.
"Make lots of money", "enjoy the work", "operate within the law": choose 2-- Brian Anderson
"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance."-- Robert R. Coveyou
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.-- Dick Brandon
It was irritating to have one's physical shortcomings pointed out quite so plainly twice in one evening, once by a beautiful girl and once by a dying badger.-- Tom Holt
Saying that Java is better just because it works on all platforms is like saying anal sex is better just because it works on all genders
"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's this day-to-day living that wears you out."-- Anton Chekhov
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
"...the only place for 63,000 bugs is a rain forest"
What is the nature of God? His nature is entirely dependent upon the age or culture that has reinvented him.-- Solomon Skink
"The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are."-- Mark Twain
"Bother," said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh."
A collaborative project: one in which individuals participate voluntarily, cooperate freely, rotate authorship seniority and disagree amicably, working on projects of no forseeable use to anyone.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.-- Thomas Jefferson
Begin somewhere; you cannot build a reputation on what you intend to do.-- Liz Smith
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.-- Woody Allen
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.-- Ogden Nash
"I hate it when people quote the Bible to defend themselves, because it's not like Jesus wrote the Bible. His friends did. And you know how your friends always fuck up stories. Jesus is probably like, 'I didn't walk on water. You were drunk, and I was in a puddle.'"-- S.L. Pouthier
"There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have."-- Don Herold
"Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game."-- Paul Rodriguez
"If angst were a popsicle, I'd be suckin' the stick."
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.-- Francis Bacon
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.-- Benjamin Dana
The only good strategy is one that no one else understands.-- Tracy Kidder
"Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock."-- New York Times
"Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man."-- Francais Bacon
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others by their acts.-- Harold Nicolson
I think it's adorable that our fans call me Shirl. It's preferrable to asshole.-- Shirley Manson
"[The] human mind was like a compass. No matter how much you shook it up, no matter what happened to it, sooner or later it'd carry on pointing the same way."-- Terry Pratchett (Johnny and the Dead)
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.-- Roger Noe
"Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution."
Organized Religion is like Organized Crime; it preys on peoples' weakness, generates huge profits for its operators, and is almost impossible to eradicate.-- Mike Hermann
Those who say they 'sleep like a baby' haven't got one.
He's come up with half of the algorithms used in the 20th century, but wouldn't actually recognize an actual computer if you dropped it on him.-- Jason Riek (about Dana Scott)
Sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"Do no activate with wet hands"
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1 1/2 tons. (Popular Mechanics, March 1949)
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole.
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century.
Headline: Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Music soothes the savage beast. ...unless it's polka.
There are two ways spreading the light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.-- Edith Wharton
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.-- Francis Bacon
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
"The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."-- Samuel Johnson
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Aquadextrous, adj: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
"When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question: Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?"-- Lindsay Acord
Sleep deprivation is fun -- you see such pretty colors.
'Impossible' tends to be an opinion rather than a fact.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.-- Voltaire
Piety, n: Reverence for the Supreme Being, based on His supposed resemblance to man.
"I gave up on new poetry myself thirty years ago, when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens on a hostile world."-- Russell Baker
As far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.-- Bertrand Russell
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
"Shouldn't we be carefully placing these comics in plastic bags?"
"No, we have lives." (MST3K)
Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Politics: Poly (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.-- Otto von Bismarck
Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
"If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd everytime, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side."-- Orson Scott Card
"You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus."-- Mark Twain
"Real poetry doesn't say anything, it just ticks off the possibilities, opens all doors; you can walk through any one that suits you. If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people from the limited ways in which they see and feel."-- Jim Morrison
You should have quit while you were only slighly behind.
True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.-- David Tyson Gentry
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.-- Homer Simpson
I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.-- Sara-Jane Linton
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.-- John Cleese
The disarmament of fear, in ourselves and those that oppose, propels us. Every step forward brings the possibility of backlash. But forward we go.-- David G. Welton
Be one of those upon whom nothing is lost.-- Henry James
I'm totally unfreaked about any kind of bodily function. My band are with it too; they'll carry my tampons round in their pockets if I don't have a bag-- Shirley Manson
Your powers are useless, I'm wearing tin foil underwear!
Thinking is not a panacea, but to paraphrase Gandhi, maybe it would be a good idea to try some.-- Jess Anderson
"Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it."
We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on when it's necessary to compromise.
-- Larry Wall
Lactomangulation - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
Psychoanalysis is the mental illness it purports to cure.-- Karl Kraus
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.-- Winston Churchill
"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"
"There ain't no rules around here, we're trying to accomplish something."-- Thomas Alva Edison
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Maybe life is a grindstone; whether it polishes you or wears you down depends on what you're made of.-- Kay Fletcher
"A child prodigy is one with highly imaginative parents."
"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy."
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
"I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over."-- Oscar Wilde (The Importance of Being Earnest)
The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense of boredom.-- Cyril Parkinson
Antisocial arrogance is only for those of us who deserve it.
Politics is storytelling. We just pick the one we like best.
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed a cat. (Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London)
Support your local medical examiner. Die strangely.-- Nikki Gustas
Stretch pants - the garment that made skiing a spectator sport.-- Anonymous
"As soon as questions of will or decision or reason or choice of action arise, human science is at a loss."-- Noam Chomsky
If there is any fixed star in our constitutional constellation, it is that no official, high or petty, can prescribe what shall be orthodox politics, nationalism, religion, or other matters of opinion or force citizens to confess by word or act their faith therein.-- Justice Robert Jackson
Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.-- Napoleon Bonaparte
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. But you know most of them didn't get the joke in the first place, the lying weasels.-- Wade Kwon
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground."-- Thomas Jefferson
"If you're one in a million, there are ten of you in New York."
The value of the Constitution depends on the good will of government itself. If the Supreme Court rules that the Bill of Rights should not interfere with the important business of government (which they have done on at least two occasions), then the Constitution is meaningless.-- John Kormylo
"A nuclear power plant is infinently safer than eating, because 300 people choke to death on food every year."-- Dixy Lee Ray
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.-- Solomon Short
What a man knows at fifty that he didn't know at twenty is, for the most part, incommunicable.-- Adlai Stevenson
I do not like the man: he has all of the virtues I detest and none of the vices I admire.-- Winston Churchill
I've just spent a significant portion of my day reading an ethernet terminal server manual, and was vaguely amused to see that they have a feature called Camp-on (allows you to wait on a port until it's no longer being used.) However it got more amusing when I read the configuration example:
strip-record: raw direct_camp_on=always 1-3,8@132.245.6.32/6300
I've seen some drag acts like that...-- Keith Duddy
Love is like pi: natural, irrational and very important.-- Lisa Hoffman
The world is made up of too many insensitive, malicious people unworthy of my attention who by their every word and action declare themselves an enemy of who and what I am ... and these people make decisions that affect my life. Fortunately, I have developed the self-confidence and strength to withstand these things or I wouldn't be here today ... but I'm still pissed, and I have every right to that anger.-- Carleton Cornish
Death (your own): This will be accepted as an excuse, but we shall require two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. (Corporate sick leave policy)
Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.
The definition of easy work is work that someone else has to do.
"Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the 6th century, which was an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland." (Nov. 1998 issue of Infosystems Executive)
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.-- Otto Von Bismarck
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.-- Steven Wright
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.-- Aaron Levenstein
A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"We are the flaming, exploding, CGI-movie saturated MTV generation after all. If it isn't bright pink and green, naked, on fire and computer animated, I just yawn and walk away." (Someone on Slashdot)
"...everyone else here is likely as stressed as you are, though much more competent and cynical."
-- Chris Johnson (a.s.r)
On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.-- Virginia Woolf
"No, I'm not trying to save on psychiatrist's bills. It's more me asking, 'does anyone else feel this way?' And if it does reach the point where it gets uncomfortably personal, I tend to disguise what I'm saying in the phrasing."-- Beth Gibbons
I like the kind of people that can hold on to the the feeling they have after the song or movie ends.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.-- Bertrand Russell
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.-- Sacha Guitry
"Misquotation is, in fact, the pride and privilege of the learned. A widely-read man never quotes accurately for the rather obvious reason that he has read too widely."-- Hesketh Pearson
Dracula: I am Count Dracula!
Yakko: Didn't you use to teach math on Sesame Street? (Animaniacs)
Therapy is expensive. Poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Words skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere.-- Amy Tan
The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.-- Dr. Carl Sagan
The fewer clear facts you have in support of an opinion, the stronger your emotional attachment to that opinion.
"Reminds me of a humorous sf story I read a few years back where an amoeboid alien escaped punishment this way (it was guilty of selling pornographic pictures to earthly biologists who used them to illustrate mitosis in their textbooks). Both the resulting individuals claimed innocence, and pointed out that they were underage."
Reporter to Ghandi: What do you think of western civilisation?
Ghandi: I think it would be a very good idea.
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.-- George Bernard Shaw
"That's the trouble with women these days. They act like men and want to be treated like women" (An American in Paris)
"If I have any more caffeine, I'm going to end up running down the hallway naked." (Someone on Slashdot)
PROGRAM, n.: A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.: To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
"When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home."-- Erma Bombeck
"If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities."-- Maya Angelou
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me."-- Hunter S. Thompson
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.-- E. B. White
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.-- Rob Pike (on X)
An unrestricted satisfaction of every need presents itself as the most enticing method of conducting one's life, but it means putting enjoyment before caution, and soon brings its own punishment.-- Sigmund Freud
"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."-- Neil Kinnock
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.-- George Bernard Shaw
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for a little order, will lose both, and deserve neither."-- Thomas Jefferson
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.-- Ambrose Bierce
Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.-- Holly (Red Dwarf II, Queeg)
Basing any to-be-correct life philosophy on one tiny alteration of your current life philosophy, that needed replacement as you've decided, is just bound to be a mistake.
Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.
All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-- Homer Simpson
Law of Cat Landing:
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them."-- Mark Twain
Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research, as well as insufficient research, will tend to support your theory.
Classic art was the art of necessity: modern romantic art bears the stamp of caprice and chance.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.-- Emo Philips
In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Sometimes I wish I had a knob to turn up the intelligence on the Internet. I have one on my monitor marked brightness, but it doesn't seem to work very well, does it?-- Bryan Manske
Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but so would an 80 pound carrot.
javalin: Unwieldy spear with poor flight characteristics and excessive weight. Due to its poor ballistics, it is usually used to stab a programming project through the heart until dead.-- Charles Shannon Hendrix
The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.-- Anais Nin
This is one of those episodes which makes you want to call up the screenwriter and ask to see their slash. `Cause you know they write it.-- Rhipodon Society
I pity you if you feel that the 'support' of such fair-weather 'friends' is more important than self-respect. Such friends offer no support, but rather slavery in a different cell: that of their approval.-- Clay Bond
"To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation."-- St. Augustine
Ad: Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Circumpopulate (sur kum pop' yew layt'), v: To finish off a popsicle "laterally" because the "frontal" approach causes one to gag.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
'I think,' he said slowly, 'that the only reason people think you can't kill a vampire by shoving its head up its own arse is because nobody's ever actually tried it. What do you think, guys?'-- Tom Holt ("My Hero")
"A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity."-- Robert Frost
"Faith" is a fine invention
When Gentlemen can see --
But microscopes are prudent
In an Emergency.-- Emily Dickinson
As I stare into the abyss of the toilet bowl I try hard to rememeber the reason why I felt the desperate need to mix vodka and red wine with whiskey and tequila.-- Shirley Manson
"I am the very master of the multipurpose metaphor;
I put them into speeches which I always feel the better for.
The speed of my delivery is totally vehicular;
I'm burning with a passion about nothing in particular.
I'm well acquainted too with matters technological;
I'm able to explain myself in phrases tautological.
My language is poetical and full of hidden promises . . .
It's like the raging torrent of a thousand Dylan Thomases".-- Alistair Beaton
No, you may not speak freely. This is America. We have a high moral hypocrisy to uphold.-- Shannon Thomas Pricket
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."-- George Bernard Shaw
Robin: I wanna make sure you're serious about turning over a new leaf. I need a sign.
Poison Ivy: How about "Slippery When Wet"? (Batman & Robin)
"If you insist on leaving your fate to the gods, then the gods will repay your weakness by having a grin or two at your expense. Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don't be surprised at what inappropriate port you will find yourself docked."-- Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)
"Advertising reaches out to touch the fantasy part of people's lives. And you know, most people's fantasies are pretty sad."-- Frederik Pohl
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: 'If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk.'
It wouldn't matter a jot if Christina Aguilera claimed she loved Garbage. I'd still think she was a horrid little squirt.-- Shirley Manson
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. It's much more fulfilling to freeze them and throw them at life's Porsche when he drives by. That'll teach his lemon-giving ass a lesson.
That your decision was right doesn't in any way mean your reasons were.
Interpretation is the revenge of the intellect upon art.-- Susan Sontag
"Homo sapiens, the first truly free species, is about to decommission natural selection, the force that made us.... Soon we must look deep within ourselves and decide what we wish to become."-- Edward O. Wilson
On the sexes:
Brains times Beauty times Availability = Constant.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.-- Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love)
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."-- Eric Hoffer
"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."-- Hemingway
"When the people fear their government there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."-- Thomas Jefferson
"Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well."
"We are at times too ready to believe that the present is the only possible state of things."-- Marcel Proust
"Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice."
"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."-- Blair P. Houghton
It is better to be hated for what one is than loved for what one is not.-- Andre Gide
Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.-- Carl Jung
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.-- Samuel Johnson
On applause: They named it Ovation from the Latin ovis, a sheep.-- Plutarch
Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights, once.
On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.-- Oscar Wilde
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
C++, the language in which only friends can access your private members.
Pulling together is the aim of despotism and tyranny. Free men pull in all kinds of directions. It's the only way to make progress.-- Havelock Vetinari
"In corporate religions as in others, the heretic must be cast out not because of the probability that he is wrong but because of the possibility that he is right."-- Antony Jay
I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it anymore, and what's it seems weird and scary.-- Abraham Simpson
Now, in the Overall Schema Of The Universe, I would imagine that this sort of thing ranks somewhere down around gnat's eyelashes.-- George Madison
Imagination grows by exercise, and contrary to common belief, is more powerful in the mature than in the young.-- W. Somerset Maugham
It's so strange how out of nowhere parents can turn psychic. It's unnerving.-- Angela Chase
Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies:
As a USENET discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.
The Feynman Problem Solving Algorithm:
1. Write down the problem.
2. Think very hard.
3. Write down the answer.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.-- Jeremy S. Anderson
If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a politician, even if you can't hear the tree or the screams, I'll bet you'd at least hear the applause.-- Paul Tindale
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.-- Justin Richardson
The American public knows what it wants, and deserves to get it good and hard.-- H. L. Mencken
"When people are bored, it is primarily with their own selves that they are bored."-- Eric Hoffer
Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
The more we disagree, the bigger the chance that at least one of us is right.
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
"When solving a kernel panic you must first ask yourself what you were doing that could possibly frighten an operating system."-- Peter van der Linden
Sir: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andrew: One does not know, Sir. Possibly a predator was behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other side of the road if it was a male chicken; possibly a food source, or, depending on the season, it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
Sir: To get to the other side.
Andrew: "To get to the other side." Ah. Why is that funny? (Bicentennial Man)
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.
If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water it will jump to safety, but if you put that same frog in a pot of cold water and turn on the heat, it will stay and be scalded to death.-- Everett Dirksen
"Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the eyes with a big rubber basketball shoe."-- Hunter S. Thompson
"I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."-- Jerry Garcia
"To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day."
-- Winston Churchill
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."-- Steven Wright
Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.-- Thomas Jefferson
And even priests were coming to spend some time in it, because of the collection of religious books. There were one thousand, two hundred and eighty-three religious books in there now, each one--according to itself--the only one any man need ever read. It was sort of nice to see them all together.-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)
The poor little wooden boy could only sit helplessly and watch while the old puppet maker, his father, whom he had just told how a nice fairy had turned him into a living boy, worked on a life-sized puppet of a young woman with big hooters.
did you know that in McDonaldland, you can get a license to hamburgle? It's true, the Hamburgler actually pays Grimace the purple guy for the same hamburgers he burgles, just for the opportunity to steal them for sport. He's neither a criminal nor an anarchist, he's a sycophant to the clown plutocracy.-- puddle (#xkcd)
Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Scarlet: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study. Two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.
Scarlet: That's not six.
Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.
Scarlet: Uh, uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus one plus one.
Wadsworth: Even if you are right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus two plus one plus one.
Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one--Shut up! (Clue)
I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Especially Bob Dylan.-- Jim Rosenberg
Even if complaints about man-bashing in this film were 99% true, it still wouldn't make up for the years of portraying women as bimbos in movies.-- Geena Davis (about "Themla & Louise")
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
I reckon that Stonehenge was build by the contemporary equivalent of Microsoft, whereas Avebury was definitely an Apple circle.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
Yes, yes, sensitive, acoustic, multicultural rhythms, sensitive, yoga, tantric sex, sensitive.
Shut up and sing some old Police stuff again.-- Nat Lanza (on Sting)
"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Angst, n: A form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon probably considered incomprehensible by those who own a recreational vehicle.-- Rick Bayan (The Cynic's Dictionary)
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.-- Edward Flaherty
"It's gone wrong."
Professor George Eisenkopf, resident nuclear genius at the University of Chicopee Falls, Iowa, and the State Department's leading authority on civilian atomic power, scratched his nose with the plastic coffee-stirrer he'd been given on the plane.
"It isn't working properly," he added, in case there were any laymen present.-- Tom Holt ("Odds and Gods")
I must invent my own philosophical systems, or else be enslaved by other men's.-- William Blake
TCP_UP - The 16-bit TCP Urgent Pointer, encoded as the hex representation of the value of the field. The hex string MUST be capitalized since it is urgent. (RFC 3093)
Scientists find wonder in everything, except extremely dull papers on quality assurance.
-- Telo (#xkcd)
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.