137 hits
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
"How else am I to get you to treat me like a man of weight and substance unless I act as morally perturbed and angst-ridden as everyone else in this room?"-- Beast (X-Men comic)
War on common sense - I think we actually won that one...
Talk to your kids about sex. Tell them just how absolutely incredible it really is. (The Covert Comic)
"Shouldn't we be carefully placing these comics in plastic bags?"
"No, we have lives." (MST3K)
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.-- David H. Comins
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.-- George Chapman
In the past, men created witches; now they create mental patients.-- Tom Szasz
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
Economics exists merely to employ economists.
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it.
PMS, n: the short period of time when women act like men do all the time.
"Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what it is you want to hear."-- Alan Coren
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
"Until we take how we see ourselves (and how we see others) into account, we will be unable to understand how others see and feel about themselves and their world. Unaware, we will project our intentions on their behavior and call ourselves objective."-- Stephen Covey
Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress.
Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost.
"Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?"-- Virginia Woolf
It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men.-- Mae West
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.-- H. L. Mencken
"Legend -- a lie that has attained the dignity of age."-- H. L. Mencken
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.-- Mike Adams
Men forget, but never forgive. Women forgive, but never forget.
The law should make men free. The problem is making the law free.
Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.
"Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable."-- Henry Louis Mencken
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.-- Terry Pratchett
"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."-- Ziggy
A trial is a lot like gladiator combat. Except trials don't feature half-naked men in armor with swords and spears and those ball thingies at the ends of ropes. Well, okay -- the good trials do, but it doesn't happen often enough, if you ask me.-- Jonathan Colan
Ad Nauseam: Commercials that make you puke.
(A)bort (R)etry (T)oss computer across room?
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.-- H. L. Mencken
The more sane often call themselves insane to avoid others' judgement.
"For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong."-- H. L. Mencken
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.-- H. L. Mencken
I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive.
She thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed.-- Jonathan Colan
The American public knows what it wants, and deserves to get it good and hard.-- H. L. Mencken
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.-- Abraham Lincoln
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.-- Timothy Leary
Guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.-- H. L. Mencken
When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
The intensity comes from meaning, not from extremes.
"That's the trouble with women these days. They act like men and want to be treated like women" (An American in Paris)
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.-- Woody Allen
"The Ten Commandments contain 297 words. The Bill of Rights is stated in 463 words. Lincoln's Gettysburg Address contains 266 words. A recent federal directive to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words." (Atlanta Journal)
"Making the simple complicated is easy. Making the complicated simple is brilliant."
"When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken."-- Benjamin Disraeli
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
"Personally, I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You'd have to be daft not to try both when there are so many flavours."-- Björk
Dead men tell no tales, but then, neither do mimes.-- Wade Kwon
"I don't mind you coming here and wasting all my time, 'cause when you're standing oh so near, I kinda lose my mind."-- The Cars
"We're not exploiting women. We're exploiting middle-aged men with credit cards." (on porn)
Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.
If you sat a million monkeys down at a million computers, they might just come up with a great... Oh wait... we're already doing that.-- J.P. Styskal
"It's been reported that John Bobbitt's porno movie grossed over 10 million. I'm not sure whether that's dollars or people."-- Conan O'Brien
Every war when it comes, or before it comes, is represented not as a war but as an act of self-defense against a homicidal maniac.-- George Orwell
Is not that the nature of men and women--that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?
From the 'Rules for women':
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.-- Ed Howe
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.-- Adolf Hitler
Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at. This determines not only the relations of men to women, but the relation of women to themselves.-- John Berger
Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.-- Augustus Caesar
"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place."
-- H. L. Mencken
Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?-- Ernest Gaines III
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"-- Linda Ellerbee
The whole problem can be stated quite simply by asking, 'Is there a meaning to music?' My answer would be, 'Yes.' And 'Can you state in so many words what the meaning is? My answer to that would be, 'No.'-- Aaron Copland
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.-- H. L. Mencken
All New: The software is not compatible with any previous version.
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it - even if I have said it - unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.-- Buddha
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice, have no money.
The nice, semi-handsome men with money think we are only after their money.
The men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice, and have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, have some money, and are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in us when we make the first move.
"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."-- H.L. Mencken
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.-- Goethe
Most religions do not make men better, only warier.-- Elias Canetti
"Faith" is a fine invention
When Gentlemen can see --
But microscopes are prudent
In an Emergency.-- Emily Dickinson
feet and stones may break my bones, but metrics are more comprehensive
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.-- H. L. Mencken
"Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well."
Insecurity is comparing our behind the scenes to others highlight reel.
Real Programmers never work from 9 to 5. If any real programmer is around at 9 a.m., it's because they were up all night.-- Some computer geek
Murphy's Eleventh Law of Computing:
A computer program will follow your orders, but rarely your intentions.
At a doctors office in Rome:
"Specialist in women and other diseases"
�...Because the establishment never gets it. That�s how it is with paradigm shift. The establishment does not see where the next wave is coming from. And even if they hire someone to tell them where the next wave is coming from, they never believe them.�-- Ted Nelson
"We've always been ready for female superheroes because women want to be them and men want to do them."-- Famke Janssen
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
A committee is an alley down which good ideas are lead and quietly strangled
"I'll fight for you, but I will not compete for you... There's a difference."
Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.-- Alan Cohen
You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you have to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.-- Fred Rogers
Bullshit, in contrast to mere nonsense, is something that implies, but does not contain, adequate meaning or truth.
If common sense was so common then everyone would have it.-- Steve Giammarco
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?-- Dick Cavett
"Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of."
Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.-- Anais Nin
There's a common component of scientific thought which says that a) if you're not a convicted Scientist then you can't get involved in discussions about Science and b) Science is all about Progress and means that things will always get better if Scientists are in Control.-- Neil Lewis
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."-- Robert A. Heinlein
Every time I have to pipe something into awk I get this mental picture of a big fat seagull with stdin connected at the wrong end.-- Arther van der Harg (a.s.r.)
Men are like parking spaces: the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.-- Ellery Queen
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
I don't understand men, women, sheep, grass, or computers. Understanding is for those too weak to handle confusion.-- Stevie Ulrich
X-Chromosome: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs. (Cynic's Dictionary)
"They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck."
On-line, adj: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Murphy's Seventh Law of Computing:
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
"We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles."-- Mark Twain
"Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable."
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat."-- Mark Twain
Cruel men believe in a cruel God and use their belief to excuse their cruelty. Only kindly men believe in a kindly God, and they would be kindly in any case.-- Bertrand Russell
"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you."-- Lao-Tzu
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"-- Jerry Seinfeld
Why serial commas are important: "I dedicate this book to my parents, Ayn Rand and God."
A GUI is to a command-line as a TV is to a book.-- Scott Hess
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."-- Neil Kinnock