210 hits
"The biggest disease today isn't leprosy or tuberculosis, but the feeling of being unwanted."-- Mother Theresa
Can there be, when you think about it, a more improbable sentiment than 'Get fucked!'? We might as well snarl 'Make a lot of money!' or 'Have a nice day!'-- Bill Bryson (The Mother Tongue)
The music is the magic carpet that the other things take naps on.-- Tori Amos
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.-- Tom Weller
The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.-- Tommy Smothers
You think Oedipus had a problem--Adam was Eve's mother.
The older I get, the more I think you ever learn is either further subtleties, or further distractions.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
The more sane often call themselves insane to avoid others' judgement.
"They say necessity is the mother of invention. And when the necessity is survival, she can be one mean mother. Of course, it's her child, invention, who's the real dangerous one."-- Darien Fawkes (The Invisible Man)
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.-- Arnold Bennett
On going to war over religion:
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
The more we disagree, the bigger the chance that at least one of us is right.
Where there is great love, there are always wishes.-- Willa Cather
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
'Impossible' tends to be an opinion rather than a fact.
If the mind were exercised as much as the mouth, we would be a race of geniuses.
I trusted him like a brother -- which is to say, not at all.
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother.
"Encouragement, dear..." she replied.
As the main says, it has yet to be proven intelligence has any survival value.
Whether it deserves some respect is another matter.
Of all the truths in the world, humor is the most satisfying and often the healthiest.
Proof by omission: The reader may easily supply the details. The other 253 cases are analogous.
ERROR: Hit any user to continue
Most people deserve each other.
If I have seen further than other men, it is by stepping on their glasses.-- Michael Swaine
The question is not so much whether there is life on Mars as whether it will continue to be possible to live on Earth.
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
"Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us without words?"
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
"Bother," said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh."
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Eat a live toad in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Lecture, n: Where the notes of the professor become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either one.
Humor is just another defense against the universe-- Mel Brooks
I want to die like my grandfather, peaceful and in my sleep - not screaming like the other people in the car.
Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.-- Horace Walpole
Make the most of yourself, because that's all the self you are going to get, buster.
Do unto others before they undo you.
At a doctors office in Rome:
"Specialist in women and other diseases"
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.
Stenderup's law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
"The more I watch television, the more I wonder why I'm not already supreme ruler of Earth."-- Dogbert (Dilbert)
“How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.”-- Anais Nin
Wit is a form of arousal.
We challenge one another to be funnier and smarter.
It's high-energy play.
It's the way friends make love to one another.-- Anne Gottlieb
I listen so that I may decipher the mystery of myself and become more whole.-- Richard Moss
For most mothers, day care is a problem. I'm looking for night care, too.-- Cathy Crimmins
In order to become the master the politician poses as the servant.-- Charles De Gaulle
Descartes described how his father taught him how to swim by throwing him into the Seine: "I sink, therefore I swam."
Who cares whether the glass is half full or half empty? Shouldn't the question be who's been drinking out of my glass?
"This site is intended for people over 18, but only because kids shoot each other if they hear the word 'fuck'."
The UNIX system has a command, 'nice', which allows a user to voluntarily reduce the priority of his process, in order to be nice to other users. Nobody ever uses it.-- Andy Tanenbaum
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
"A photograph never grows old. You and I change, people change all through the months and years, but a photograph always remains the same. How nice to look at a photograph of mother or father taken many years ago. You see them as you remember them. But as people live on, they change completely. That is why I think a photograph can be kind."-- Albert Einstein
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Funny. All the wireless people seem to be the marionettes.
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.-- Augustine
"In each of us are places where we have never gone. Only by pressing the limits do you ever find them."-- Dr. Joyce Brothers
Is not that the nature of men and women--that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?
Insecurity is comparing our behind the scenes to others highlight reel.
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
Guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known.
-- Oscar Wilde
"I wish I could drink like a lady
I can take one or two at the most.
Three and I'm under the table --
Four and I'm under the host!"
"I picked up a Magic 8-Ball the other day and it said 'Outlook not so good.' I said, 'Sure, but Microsoft still ships it.'"
We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection.-- Anais Nin
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."-- Robert Frost
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
98% of us Americans are hard-working people. It's the other 2% that give us a bad reputation. Then again, we did elect them.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Education, then, beyond all other devices of human origin, is the great machinery.-- Horace Mann
Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.-- Dandemis
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.-- H. L. Mencken
"It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand."-- Mark Twain
I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole.
A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune.
"I find imperfection the most interesting thing about a person"-- Jodi Foster
"Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim."-- Bertrand Russell
"I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs... because they have the most to hide. The guys that are in the most pain are usually the ones with the biggest hearts."-- Tori Amos
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.-- The Anarchist Cookbook
The goodness of morals depends upon what the morals say, not just the fact that they are morals.-- Rob Bernardo
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.-- H. L. Mencken
"Ergotism is what you get if you overuse the word "therefore". Egotism on the other hand is a form of "I" strain."-- Paul Martin
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt
Fuck like you're being filmed
"We need a new cosmology. New Gods. New Sacraments. Another drink."-- Patti Smith
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Half of what I say is meaningless; but I say it so that the other half may reach you.-- Kahlil Gibran
"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."
"In America sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact."-- Marlene Dietrich
Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.-- Betty Talmadge
"Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon."
Cigarette, n: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco inbetween.
In art, as in no other form of endeavor, there is meaning apart from success.-- Joseph Conrad
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.-- Mark Twain
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.-- Steven Wright
The moment you think you understand a great work of art, it's dead for you.-- Oscar Wilde
It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.
"Loved by some, accepted by others and misunderstood by most."
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."-- Ellen DeGeneres
Every time I have to pipe something into awk I get this mental picture of a big fat seagull with stdin connected at the wrong end.-- Arther van der Harg (a.s.r.)
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.-- Emo Philips
The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for it is occupation.-- George Bernard Shaw
Math Anxiety: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. (Cynic's Dictionary)
Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope.-- Arnold Glasgow
"Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right."
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
"In all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other" (Contact)
"The most merciful thing in the world...is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."-- H.P. Lovecraft
"It stands for 'Sales and Marketing', you depraved monkeys."
"A rose by any other name, Stef."
(userfriendly.org)
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."-- Groucho Marx
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A: A deep C diva.
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."-- Mitch Radcliffe
"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."
Please storyteller, pull a tale from your pocket,
Spin me a story from your coat-tails so bare,
For my heart has turned cold, and my dreams are too old,
And I need to know the magic's still there-- Heather Alexander (Storyteller)
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.-- Niels Bohr
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.-- Charles Brower
You, along with other heterosexuals, clearly have the power to ensure that my child be taught by her teachers that homosexuality is wrong or to pretend that we don't exist. You, collectively, have the power to deny her the protection of her stepmother's health insurance should I become unable to work. You have the power to make sure that my pension benefits are unavailable to my partner. You have the power to ensure that in order to protect my family I must pretend in public that my partner and I do not have the deeply committed relationship that we do in fact share. You have the power to send my child the message that her family is not real and her parents are bad people. I do not believe that it is in your best interest to do these things. More importantly, I will never, ever, acquiesce in them. I cannot.-- Doretta Schrock
"Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the mind is never new, fresh, innocent."
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.-- Eleanor Roosevelt
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."-- George Burns
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."-- Oscar Wilde
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."-- George Bernard Shaw
"When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch your own heart, how do you expect to touch other people?"-- Tori Amos
I must invent my own philosophical systems, or else be enslaved by other men's.-- William Blake
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.-- Jean Kerr
Democracy is the form of government where everyone gets what the majority deserves.
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts — for support rather than illumination.-- Andrew Lang
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.-- Lucille S. Harper
Sir: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andrew: One does not know, Sir. Possibly a predator was behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other side of the road if it was a male chicken; possibly a food source, or, depending on the season, it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
Sir: To get to the other side.
Andrew: "To get to the other side." Ah. Why is that funny? (Bicentennial Man)
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other 'sins' are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful-- just stupid.)-- Robert A. Heinlein
It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men.-- Mae West
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot in the universe- So what the hell, leap.
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.-- E. B. White
"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."-- H.L. Mencken
Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Mustard: That's right! (Clue)
The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.-- Dr. Carl Sagan
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.-- Abba Eban
"Every man has his follies, and often they are the most interesting thing he has got."-- Josh Billings
When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event.-- R. Pirsig
Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.-- Goethe
"My work is much richer than my life."-- Tori Amos
"Remember the Golden Rule: Those who have the gold make the rules."
Giving help doesn't mean dashing in and doing what seems like a good idea to you. It means doing what the other person wants. If what the person wants is for you leave them alone, it means doing that.-- John Fisher
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain everything. Once God (or Satan) is accepted as the first cause of everything which happens in the mortal world, nothing is left to chance...logic can be happily tossed out the window."-- Stephen King
"That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers."-- Charles Chincholles
Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. (Ladies' Home Journal)
"In no sense do I advocate evading or defying the law ... That would lead to anarchy. An individual who breaks a law that his conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law."-- Martin Luther King
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.-- Mark Twain
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little."-- Porterfield
There are two ways spreading the light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.-- Edith Wharton
"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing.. that’s why we recommend it daily."
Accountant - someone who can put two and two together and make a living from it.
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.
The problem isn't that the victim can't fight, the problem is that they have to. Saying that self-defense classes are the answer to gay bashers is like saying that it would be good if the government stopped prosecuting rape cases and used the money saved to hand out free mace.-- Richard Caley
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.-- Edsger Dijkstra
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking other people to live as one wishes to live."-- Oscar Wilde
"There weren't a lot of answers for why some mothers lose their children and other women are beating up theirs in the mall in front of you. It doesn't make a lot of sense sometimes. Especially when people call it 'God's will.' If that wasn't the philosophy - if it were looked on as, 'Oh, well, it's a feeble planet and there are no guarantees,' that's one thing. But if it's God's will that I lose mine, then why is it God's will that these are being beaten? If that's God's will, I really need to have a margarita with him."-- Tori Amos
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.-- Andy Rooney
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.-- Mark Twain
Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.-- Terry Pratchett
What a man knows at fifty that he didn't know at twenty is, for the most part, incommunicable.-- Adlai Stevenson
The moral of the story is that with a contrived example, you can prove anything. Oops. No, that's not what I meant to say.-- Joel Spolsky
I think that Vulcan is a geekocracy where the people who know the most about sci-fi get to rule.-- <br />
Keith Irwin
"Are you queer? Maybe just for tonight? 20 minutes? You don't have to be conscious."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
"The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority."-- Stanley Milgram
Maybe life is a grindstone; whether it polishes you or wears you down depends on what you're made of.-- Kay Fletcher
Practical philosophy: The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.
C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.-- Ray Simard
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.-- Carl Sagan
There are only two industries that refer to their customers as 'users.'-- Edward Tufte