123 hits
"Theory: when you have ideas. Ideology: when ideas have you."
When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brain.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Ad: Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
It's okay. Life doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be lived. (Dexter)
Say what you like about me, but sometimes I wish that I were really rich and didn't have to work. And also handsome.-- Dave George
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
"Are you queer? Maybe just for tonight? 20 minutes? You don't have to be conscious."
He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Like I've always said, If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me. (Steel Magnolias)
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?-- Steven Wright
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
You can't remember the plot of the Dr. Who movie because it didn't have one, just a lot of plot holes strung together. It did have a lot of flashing lights, though.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
"I don't have to choose, nyaah, nyaaah, nah nyaah nyaah."-- Sandra Hereld
You don't have to think too hard while talking to teachers.-- J.D. Salinger
"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties"
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.-- Mae West
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.-- A. H. Weiler
And if I may conjecture a further objection,
love is nothing to do with destined perfection,
The connection is strengthened,
The affection simply grows over time,
Like a flower
or a mushroom
or a guinea pig
or a vine
or a sponge
or bigotry
...or a banana
And love is made more powerful
by the ongoing drama of shared experience,
and the synergy of a kind of symbiotic empathy, or... something-- Tim Minchin (If I Didn't Have You)
"I didn't want to come across as an industrial, snarling, Satan-singing entity"-- Trent Reznor
"You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone."-- John Ciardi
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.-- Max Frisch
"Good old days: Beer foamed and drinking water didn't."
I love you, you love me,
With a little fricassee
And some mustard and ketchup smeared all over you,
Can't I have you for lunch too?
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."-- Dan Quayle
"So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?"-- Ayn Rand
Dracula: I am Count Dracula!
Yakko: Didn't you use to teach math on Sesame Street? (Animaniacs)
"I didn't understand this at first, but YOUR CONVINCING USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS HAS MADE IT ALL CLEAR TO ME."-- J. Nairn
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Camels have 3 eyelids.
If we couldn't laugh at things that didn't make sense,
we couldn't react to a lot of the world around us." (Calvin & Hobbes)
Some days I think it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Like Saturdays, when I don't have to go to work.-- R. M. Weiner
Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.-- Alan Keightley
QoS means I don't have enough bandwidth, but if you pay me extra money I'll drop someone else's packets instead of yours.-- Dave Rand
"Well, to be fair I did have a couple of gadgets he probably didn't, like a teaspoon and an open mind."-- The Doctor
"Do you know a cow was murdered to make that jacket?"
"I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I guess I'll have to kill you too."-- Paul Crowley
I'm totally unfreaked about any kind of bodily function. My band are with it too; they'll carry my tampons round in their pockets if I don't have a bag-- Shirley Manson
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Dad taught me everything I know, but he didn't teach me everything he knows.-- Al Unser Jr.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing.-- Alexander Woollcott
NASA doesn't have any live weapons; we can only drop management paperwork on those who peeve us--but with a B-52 we can drop a lot of it!-- Mary Shafer
Sign in a hotel elevator in Paris:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
There are multitudes in me. But not if I have to behave.
You should have quit while you were only slighly behind.
Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around?-- Dr. Who
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."-- Drew Carey
The door opened. It opened very slowly, and with the maximum amount of creak. Simple neglect wouldn't have caused that depth of groan; you'd need careful work with hot water over a period of weeks.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
What a man knows at fifty that he didn't know at twenty is, for the most part, incommunicable.-- Adlai Stevenson
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. But you know most of them didn't get the joke in the first place, the lying weasels.-- Wade Kwon
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
"Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change. Because, if it does change, then it won't have anything to complain about."-- Tori Amos
"I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much of course - the computer industry didn't even foresee that the century was going to end."-- Douglas Adams
"Have you ever wondered how that could have happened?"
"No."
"That was a rhetorical question. It wasn't meant to be answered."
"But that was a rhetorical answer. It wasn't meant to be questioned."
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.-- Ogden Nash
Doubt your beliefs and believe your doubts.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
"I learned early... If you don't have anything intelligent to say, you should probably keep your mouth shut until you do. Gives them the illusion that you're smarter than you really are."
-- Amanda Firefox
Never only doubt or only believe your doubts.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.-- Erica Jong
You don't have to flaunt technical ability in order to benefit from it. If you have the capability to play a million notes, and then you play only three notes, that lends an amazing profundity to the three notes you did choose.-- Robert Fripp (paraphrased)
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."-- Douglas Adams
"If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one."-- John Galsworthy
He said "It's all in your head", and I said "So's everything" but he didn't get it /
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy.-- Fiona Apple (Paper Bag)
"Anger is natural. It's part of the force. You just have to learn to hang out with it."-- Tori Amos
"The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action."-- Frank Herbert
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: 'If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk.'
Nerb, n: a noun used as a verb. For example: ''They didn't language the proclamation very well''. nerb, nerbing, nerbed v. the act of using nouns as verbs in a sentence.-- Rich Hill
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
Stenderup's law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
"You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for insurance company directors?"
"Really?" said Arthur. "No I didn't. For what offense?"
Trillian frowned. "What do you mean, offense?"
"I see."-- Douglas Adams (The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Some people have a large circle of friends while others have only friends that they like."
"Shouldn't we be carefully placing these comics in plastic bags?"
"No, we have lives." (MST3K)
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."-- Bob Ettinger
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts"
"I hate it when people quote the Bible to defend themselves, because it's not like Jesus wrote the Bible. His friends did. And you know how your friends always fuck up stories. Jesus is probably like, 'I didn't walk on water. You were drunk, and I was in a puddle.'"-- S.L. Pouthier
I used to have an internal modem, but it made me walk funny.
"If I have any more caffeine, I'm going to end up running down the hallway naked." (Someone on Slashdot)
"Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them all."-- Henry David Thoreau
"Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right."
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
"Ah! How sweet coffee tastes! Lovelier than a thousand kisses, sweeter far than muscatel wine! I must have coffee..."-- J. S. Bach
"Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers."
"Remember the Golden Rule: Those who have the gold make the rules."
"A child does not have to be taught how to be happy or the ways of love. It is fear, hatred, & prejudice that have to be taught. And from the condition of the world we can see that unfortunately there are some very good teachers."-- Javan
"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."-- Ziggy
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.-- Steven Wright
At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said 'no, but I have the new Devo album'. Cops have no sense of humor."
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A friend should be someone you don't have to prove things to, and with whom you can be yourself, whatever that is. A friend is also someone who should be able to tell you you are being silly or brain-damaged or making poor decisions about something without you being upset and offended, like when the love of your life is taking you to the cleaners, and you are completely blind to it.-- Joseph Francis
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
If God had meant for us to go around naked we would have been born that way.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
This idea (of not noticing the identity of certain repetitive events) is interesting when we apply it to ourselves. Are there highly repetitive events which occur in our lives time and time again, and which we handle in the identical stupid way each time, because we don't have enough of an overview to perceive their sameness?-- Douglas Hofstadter
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.-- Hannah Arendt
"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."-- Tori Amos
If I have seen further than other men, it is by stepping on their glasses.-- Michael Swaine
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it - even if I have said it - unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.-- Buddha
On emulating hormones and long-range neurotransmitters:
"If your job is delivering packages and all the packages are very small and your boss doesn't care who you give them to as long as it's on the correct continent and you have until the next ice age to get the work done, then you don't have a very difficult profession. I see no reason why simulating that anachronism would present the slightest difficulty."-- John K. Clark