76 hits
"The [Kate] Bush comparisons are inevitable, but there is an edge, an unpredictability, to Amos that is not apparent in Bush. Tori Amos is what Kate Bush would become if the latter were under a full moon."-- Stephen Knight (JAM! Showbiz)
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.-- E. B. White
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.-- Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?-- Steven Wright
Thy sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.-- Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.-- Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.-- Steven Wright
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.-- Steven Wright
Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.-- Steven Wright
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.-- Steven Wright
Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.-- Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?-- Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.-- Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.-- Steven Wright
No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.-- Steven Wright
"Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us without words?"
Adultery - two wrong people doing the right thing.
For most mothers, day care is a problem. I'm looking for night care, too.-- Cathy Crimmins
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire...-- Steven Wright
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts"
"Are you queer? Maybe just for tonight? 20 minutes? You don't have to be conscious."
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines-- Frank Lloyd Wright
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.-- Steven Wright
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."-- William Dement
I usually shoot for that threshold of coffee strength that's just *short* of the coffee achieving sentience.-- Gretchen Wright
Whoever said women don't like porn just isn't talking to the right women. Or showing them the right porn.
Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.-- D. H. Lawrence
That your decision was right doesn't in any way mean your reasons were.
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it is fun trying.
Insecurity is comparing our behind the scenes to others highlight reel.
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.-- Ogden Nash
Lust comes at first sight, love comes after staring at the same person for elongated periods of time.-- lj user slvrstarlight
You go right on thinking that. Don't let reality stop you.-- dpm
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing.-- Gamel Abdel Nasser
Last night you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me.
...do it again.-- Morticia Addams
"I'll fight for you, but I will not compete for you... There's a difference."
"Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night."-- Andy Warhol
"There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it." (Niven's Law #16)
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull a sled through the snow.
"They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck."
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.-- Emo Phillips
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel.-- Ewald Nyquist
...problems continue in the South African black townships. Four people were killed in violent clashes yesterday. A black spokesman said - this situation is a tragedy for our people; we get no help from the government; blacks are dying and all the whites can do is talk about cricket. [very brief pause] last night at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the South African cricket team defeated Australia in the day-night match... (A(ustralian)BC-FM news)
First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Bozone, n: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'-- Dave George
"Forget all those health clinics and gyms. Sex is the best cure for everything, especially stress. If I have a good night of sex, all my problems are gone by 10 o' clock in the morning."-- Grace Jones
I thought I was in love once, and then later I thought maybe it was just an inner-ear imbalance.-- Fraser (Due South)
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."-- Steven Wright
Do not go gentle into that good night... Rage, rage against the dying of the light.-- Dylan Thomas
Dad taught me everything I know, but he didn't teach me everything he knows.-- Al Unser Jr.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.-- Franz Kafka
And so, the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn't that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people.-- Terry Pratchett (Night Watch)
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."-- Mark Twain
"It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."-- Fred Adler