290 hits
It's okay. Life doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be lived. (Dexter)
Ad: Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Rehab is for quitters.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Terror: A female Klingon with PMS.
"I find imperfection the most interesting thing about a person"-- Jodi Foster
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
Headline: 'Two sisters reunited after eighteen years at checkout counter'
Adult, n: One old enough to know better.
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Cat: Ethereal music wreathed in mystery.
"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."-- G. K. Chesterton
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.-- Terry Pratchett
Headline: Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, it might be amor�, but I'd be more worried about the interplanetary gravitational effects from this cataclysmic event.-- Paul Paternoster
God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends.
Aftermath, n: The period following algebra.
Don't intterupt me when I'm talking to myself
(A)bort (R)etry (T)oss computer across room?
"The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums."-- Peter De Vries
Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.-- Potter Stewart
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.-- Confucius
Don't you talk to me about progress. Progress just means bad things happen faster.-- Terry Pratchett
"Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind."-- Terry Pratchett
Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.-- The Register
I try to make computers say things like "You have 60 seconds to achieve safe distance".-- Terry Pratchett
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual.
"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere."-- G. K. Chesterton
Adultery - two wrong people doing the right thing.
"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."-- Walter Bagehot
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your middle finger and tell someone to "bite me!"
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards."-- Soren F. Petersen
The loom works perfectly well without the steam powered wig darner and shortbread cutter stapled to the side.-- Peter da Silva
Eiffel Tower: The Empire State Building after taxes.
The intensity comes from meaning, not from extremes.
Adventure: The land between entertainment and panic.
The senior wizard in a world of magic had the same prospects of long-term employment as a pogo stick tester in a minefield.-- Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.-- Laurance J. Peter
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.-- Peter de Vries
"And is it right, butterfly, they like you better framed and dried?"-- Tori Amos (Butterfly)
Headline: Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
"Good old days: Beer foamed and drinking water didn't."
Join the army: meet interesting people, then kill them.
I'm not a perfectionist. That would be a character flaw.
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; happiness is doing it.
"[The] human mind was like a compass. No matter how much you shook it up, no matter what happened to it, sooner or later it'd carry on pointing the same way."-- Terry Pratchett (Johnny and the Dead)
If you don't know where you are going, you'll probably end up somewhere else.-- Laurence J. Peter
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
Adolescence, n: The stage between puberty and adultery.
"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little."-- Porterfield
I used to have an internal modem, but it made me walk funny.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Destinesia: The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers.-- Dr. Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters.)
"I think we better split up."
"Good idea. We can do more damage that way." (Ghostbusters)
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
ADAPTABILITY:
Excellent: Walks on water
Good: Walks on water in emergencies
Average: Washes with water
Fair: Drinks water
Poor: Passes water in emergencies
"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away."-- Barry Goldwater
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
I was thinking of 'duh?' in the sense of 'a sentence containing several words more than three letters long, and possibly requiring general knowledge or a sense of history that extends past last Tuesday, has been used in my presense.'-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
[Perl] isn't a programming language, it's a thousand special case rules flying in close formation.-- Peter da Silva
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.-- Laurence J. Peter
What do you mean, "If a woodchuck could chuck wood"? What's the point in calling it a "woodchuck" if it can't ?-- David Gunter
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."-- Terry Pratchett
The singing wasn't particularly good. The only word the singer appeared to know was "la," but she was making it work hard.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
"Life at the top is financially rewarding, spiritually draining, physically exhausting, and short."-- Peter C. Newman
Computers save man a lot of guesswork, but then, so do bikini's.
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me."-- Hunter S. Thompson
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
"The main differences between a computer salesman and a used car salesman is that the used car salesman can probably drive and knows when he's lying."-- Peter da Silva
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers."-- T. S. Eliot
"He'd never realized that, deep down inside, what he really wanted to do was make things go splat."-- Terry Pratchett (Reaper Man)
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you
If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh.
"Everyone makes mistakes. It is what you do afterwards that counts."
Boys are cute, but food is cuter.-- Tori Amos
Aquadextrous, adj: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."-- Bill Watterson (Calvin & Hobbes)
Brought to you by the people who made "out of context" a household word.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.-- Terry Pratchett
Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave.-- Henry Peter Brougham
Reporter to Ghandi: What do you think of western civilisation?
Ghandi: I think it would be a very good idea.
Progress, n: The process through which the Internet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals.
Mort isn't fashionable UK movie material -- there's no parts in it for Hugh or Emma, it's not set in Sheffield, and no one shoves drugs up their bum...-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.-- Terry Pratchett
Real Programmers never work from 9 to 5. If any real programmer is around at 9 a.m., it's because they were up all night.-- Some computer geek
The door opened. It opened very slowly, and with the maximum amount of creak. Simple neglect wouldn't have caused that depth of groan; you'd need careful work with hot water over a period of weeks.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
"Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the eyes with a big rubber basketball shoe."-- Hunter S. Thompson
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with RAISINS in it.-- Dorothy Parker
Law of Hydrodynamics: When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
I'm an apatheist. The question is no longer interesting, and the answer no longer matters.-- petro (a.s.r)
Most Gracious Queen we thee implore,
To go away and sin no more,
But if that effort be too great,
To go away at any rate.-- Lord Colchester
"In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from."-- Peter Alexander Ustinov
Sexuality does not "turn on" at puberty and "turn off" at menopause. It is not a thing external, no matter how hard our culture teaches us to push it away. It is every bit as integral and fundamental the day you're born as it is the day you die.-- David Casti
"And really, what's so important that it can't wait until after noon, anyway?"
"A conservative is someone who admires radicals a century after they're dead."
Unfortunately, there are like five people in the world who understand the X keyboard model--I'm not one of them--and three are insane. It's that bad.-- Tim Showalter
The guests giggled, and floated down to the bottom of the garden to inspect the herbaceous borders, and snatch a quick snog before the crudities.-- Stephen Foster
"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street."
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
"When solving a kernel panic you must first ask yourself what you were doing that could possibly frighten an operating system."-- Peter van der Linden
> 0C is freezing, 100C is boiling, 70F is a nice day, and 110C is a nice
> sauna.
This is the same logic that took out the Mars Polar Lander, I see.-- Peter da Silva
To some extent any use of language (and conceptual categories) distorts reality by coercing instances into types.-- Rob Bernardo
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull a sled through the snow.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
They both savoured the strange warm glow of being much more ignorant than ordinary people, who were only ignorant of ordinary things.-- Terry Pratchett ("Equal Rites")
Make the most of yourself, because that's all the self you are going to get, buster.
"The I.S.O. standard unit of female pulchritude is the milli-Helen. This is the amount of beauty capable of causing the launching of a single ship."-- Terry Pratchett
I reckon that Stonehenge was build by the contemporary equivalent of Microsoft, whereas Avebury was definitely an Apple circle.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.-- William James
On-line, adj: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
...as usual, some long-dead guy said what I meant to say far better than I ever could.
I'm sure we can arrange an academic scholarship for Detritus. Troll cheerleaers would be nice: 'Two... four.... er.. many... lots'.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
"Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable."
"The first 80% of software development is the easy part. The hard part is the next 80%"
A winning formula can be obliterated simply by the change to an ingorant new manager.
Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Even if you're paranoid, maybe the guy with the chainsaw really is after you.
The difference between theory and practice is greater in practice than it is in theory.
Saying that Java is better just because it works on all platforms is like saying anal sex is better just because it works on all genders
When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.-- Mae West
"The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience."
We have gone from a world of concentrated knowledge and wisdom to one of distributed ignorance. And we know and understand less while being increasingly capable.
-- Peter Cochrane
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction after all has to make sense, right?
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.-- Confucius
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.-- Dr. Seuss
The water under the lid was inky black and, according to rumour, bottomless; the Ogg grandchildren were encouraged to believe that monsters from the dawn of time dwelt in its depths, since Nanny believed that a bit of thrilling and pointless terror was an essential ingredient of the magic of childhood.
In summer she used it as a beer cooler.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.-- Anais Nin
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.-- Oscar Wilde
Life is a trap for logicians; it looks just a little more mathematical and regular than it is. Its exactitude is obvious, but its inexactitude is hidden; its wildness lies in wait.-- G.K Chesterton
Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
She wanted a holiday in Australia, she said, and if I turned it into work she'd hit me--so I gave in, because I did not want to be beaten about the Bush.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Luxury is the main cause of boredom; Boredom is a main cause of extreme thoughts, eg. violence.
Computer Science without FORTRAN and COBOL is like birthday cake without ketchup and mustard.
You can't remember the plot of the Dr. Who movie because it didn't have one, just a lot of plot holes strung together. It did have a lot of flashing lights, though.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
What you have here is an example of that well known phenomenon, A Bookshop Assistant Who Knows Buggerall But Won't Admit It (probably some kind of arts graduate).-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you’re not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something’s wrong.-- Jenna
"The spam wars are about rendering email useless for unsolicited advertising before unsolicited advertising renders email useless for communication."-- Walter Dnes / Jeff Wynn
Rincewind rather enjoyed times like this. They convinced him that he wasn't mad because, if he was mad, that left no word at all to describe some of the people he met.-- Terry Pratchett (Sourcery)
Baby-sitter, n: A teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
I'm a daughter of a minister and I love chasing the dark. That which is hidden. I like licking it like ice cream.-- Tori Amos
"The class was learning about some revolt in which some peasants had wanted to stop being peasants and, since the nobles had won, had stopped being peasants really quickly."-- Terry Pratchett (Soul Music)
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics. (As it is statistically much more likely to get struck by lightning than win the lottery)
I like the kind of people that can hold on to the the feeling they have after the song or movie ends.
"One minute I'm just another rabbit and happy about it, next minute whazaam, I'm thinking. That's a major drawback if you're looking for happiness as a rabbit, let me tell you. You want grass and sex, not thoughts like 'What's it all about, when you get right down to it?'"-- Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)
In a cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
The Pet Principle:
No matter which side of the door your dog or cat is on, it is the wrong side.
"It is better to be quotable than to be honest."-- Tom Stoppard
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.-- Earl Wilson
Ah, twitter, where people will be deeply outraged for one to six hours, before forgetting forever.
"Politics is the entertainment branch of industry."-- Frank Zappa
Magrat shivered. She told herself that a witch had absolute control over her own body, and the goosepimples under her thin nightdress were just a figment of her own imagination. The trouble was, she had an excellent imagination.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
* St-Lemur puts pasta next to antipasti
<KCaesar> You FOOL! You'll kill us all! (bash.org)
Reporter, n: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.-- Ambrose Bierce
"Aaaarghhhh."
This was the noise made as he missed the lurching Thing by several meters and was realising that, if you have tied a rope to the top of a very high and extremely solid stone tower and are now swinging towards it, failing to hit something on the way is an error which you will regret for the rest of your truncated life.-- Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)
I think that sick people in Ankh-Morpork generally go to a vet. It's generally a better bet. There's more pressure on a vet to get it right. People say "it was god's will" when granny dies, but they get angry when they lose a cow.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.-- Mark Twain
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it.-- Terry Pratchett
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.-- Oscar Wilde
And so, the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn't that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people.-- Terry Pratchett (Night Watch)
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong
And I am Marie of Roumania.-- Dororhy Parker
A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon or three normal sized billiard balls.-- Terry Pratchett (The Light Fantastic)
Being called a poetess brings out the terroristress in me.-- Audre Lorde
I save about twenty drafts -- that's ten meg of disc space -- and the last one contains all the final alterations. Once it has been printed out and received by the publishers, there's a cry here of 'Tough shit, literary researchers of the future, try getting a proper job!' and the rest are wiped.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
"Life's a bitch, then you die. Then your necromancer daughter resurrects you, and life is still a bitch."
Arachnoleptic fit, n: The frantic dance performed just after you accidentally walk through a spider web.
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it.
Most religions do not make men better, only warier.-- Elias Canetti
Things will get better, despite our efforts to improve them.-- Will Rogers
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.-- Steve Wozniak
I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.-- Mark Twain
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
Interpretation is the revenge of the intellect upon art.-- Susan Sontag
In business, your judged by what you say... nothing can kill the confidence of a perspective client faster then a proposal littered with grammatical, usage or punctuation errors. (Ad for RightWriter, The Grammar Checker)
I had a deprived childhood, you see. I had lots of other kids to play with and my parents bought me outdoor toys and refused to ill-treat me, so it never occurred to me to seek solitary consolation with a good book.-- Terry Pratchett
"Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers."-- Robert Hummel
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.-- Oscar Wilde
It is better to be hated for what one is than loved for what one is not.-- Andre Gide
It is better to waste one's youth, than to do nothing at all with it.-- Courteline
I love stress because it's a whole lot better than depression.-- Drew Olbrich
"I want a chocolate bar infused with nicotine that's got a creamy coffee center... And wrap it in porn." (TheWax.com)
"You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead."-- Lois Platford
The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered with me long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.-- Nick DeCamp
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.-- H. L. Mencken
"If there is one thing that always comes out of a terrible tragedy, it is really dumb legislation." (Esquire magazine)
After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true.-- Spock (Star Trek, "Amok Time")
Murphy's Eleventh Law of Computing:
A computer program will follow your orders, but rarely your intentions.
"The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it."-- John Gilmore
Magrat looked up guiltily. She had been deep in conversation with the Fool, although it was the kind of conversation where both parties spend a lot of time looking at their feet and picking at their fingernails. Ninety per cent of true love is acute, ear-burning embarassment.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
The beasts of the field and fowls of the air did know Ridcully the Brown. They'd got so good at pattern-recognition that, for a radius of about twenty miles around the Ridcully estates, they'd run, hide or in desperate cases attack violently at the mere sight of a pointy hat.-- Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)
Anyone with a bit of intelligence and enough perseverance could do magic, which was why the wizards cloaked it with rituals and the whole pointy-hat business.
The trick was to do magic and get away with it.-- Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)
�We have a saying, my people. �Don�t kill if you can wound, don�t wound if you can subdue, don�t subdue if you can pacify, and don�t raise your hand at all until you�ve first extended it.��-- Wonder Woman
Please do not duck the next time the clue-by-four swings your way.-- Ben Browning
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.-- Steven Wright
That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
If you think that mental illness interferes with financial success, just look at the average television evangelist.
On going to war over religion:
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.-- Woody Allen
A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
AFPer: Terry, what the heck was going on at the end of Strata? I've just re-read the ending again and come up with another possible explanation which takes the total number into double figures.
TP: See? Other people would just have given you one or two. Amazing value, I think.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
DW is based on a slew of old myths, which reach their most 'refined' form in Hindu mythology, which in turn of course derived from the original Star Trek episode 'Planet of Wobbly Rocks where the Security Guard Got Shot'.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
We're not into science fiction because it's good literature, we're into it because it's weird. Follow your weird, ladies and gentlemen. Forget trying to pass for normal. Follow your geekdom. Embrace your nerditude. In the immortal words of Lafcadio Hearn, a geek of incredible obscurity whose work is still in print after a hundred years, "woo the muse of the odd."-- Bruce Sterling
It's an old magical principle -- it's even filtered down into RPG systems -- that magic, while taking a lot of effort, can be 'stored' -- in a staff, for example. No doubt a wizard spends a little time each day charging up his staff, although you go blind if you do it too much, of course.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
Scientists find wonder in everything, except extremely dull papers on quality assurance.
-- Telo (#xkcd)
Seattle reminds me a lot of London, where people will drink 12 beers but they never act drunk. Which makes you wonder what the point is of drinking 12 beers, if you're not going to put the lampshade on your head. You're killing your liver and still having no fun.-- Peter Bagge
I always call it 'Tour Flu', because two or three weeks in hot bookshops with hundreds of people usually produces an ailment of some kind. Going on tour is like a box of rare diseases--you never know what you're going to get.-- Terry Pratchett (alt.fan.pratchett)
The weirder you are, the better you have to be if you still want to get paid.-- Ben Aveling
"Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived."-- Oscar Wilde
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.-- Edsger Dijkstra
"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."-- Richard Nixon
"In matters of conscience, the law of majority has no place."-- Mahatma Gandhi
"Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what's wrong with it."
"The only interesting answers are those which destroy the questions."-- Susan Sontag