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QoS means I don't have enough bandwidth, but if you pay me extra money I'll drop someone else's packets instead of yours.-- Dave Rand
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
"There is a fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'."-- Dave Barry
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.-- Dave Butler
"So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?"-- Ayn Rand
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.-- Dave Edison
"I don't know what caffeine does for you, but I'm pretty sure without it your head caves in"-- Dave (News Radio)
My karma ran over my dogma.
"That's a hell of an ambition, to be mellow. It's like wanting to be senile."-- Randy Newman
Say what you like about me, but sometimes I wish that I were really rich and didn't have to work. And also handsome.-- Dave George
Camels have 3 eyelids.
"Jacob Sullum has produced a thoughtful, sane, and logical analysis of our drug laws. Is that even legal?"-- Dave Barry
I think if you really like a girl you have to pay a lot of attention to her. But try telling that to those jerks on the jury.-- Dave George
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.-- Dave Barry
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer. (Clerks)
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'-- Dave George
"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth."-- Dave Barry
Why serial commas are important: "I dedicate this book to my parents, Ayn Rand and God."
Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.-- Bertrand Russell
Grammar is not a vice (though excessive picking at it can be). And nonstandard words/grammar can be used to good effect--but no one can do that without knowing how they're deviating.-- Randy Clark
"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."-- Ziggy
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.-- Bertrand Russell
"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."-- Bertrand Russell
"Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim."-- Bertrand Russell
The weirder you are, the better you have to be if you still want to get paid.-- Ben Aveling
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.-- Bertrand Russell
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.-- Fran Lebowitz
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
"Theory: when you have ideas. Ideology: when ideas have you."
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
As far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.-- Bertrand Russell
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.-- Fran Lebowitz
"Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road."-- Stewart Brand
"A nuclear power plant is infinently safer than eating, because 300 people choke to death on food every year."-- Dixy Lee Ray
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.-- Dick Brandon
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
What is wanted is not the will to believe but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite.-- Bertrand Russell
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
"...why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want."-- Ayn Rand
The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice.-- R. D. Laing
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lipgrafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips; people will then be literally kissing your ass.-- Dave Barry
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.-- Bertrand Russell
"The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists -- that is why they invented hell."-- Bertrand Russell
"If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war. Lots of accidents, maybe."
Poetry is a deal of joy and pain and wonder, with a dash of the dictionary.-- Kahlil Gibran
Half of the people in the world are below average.