51 hits
"There is a fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'."-- Dave Barry
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.-- Dave Butler
"I don't know what caffeine does for you, but I'm pretty sure without it your head caves in"-- Dave (News Radio)
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.-- Dave Edison
QoS means I don't have enough bandwidth, but if you pay me extra money I'll drop someone else's packets instead of yours.-- Dave Rand
Say what you like about me, but sometimes I wish that I were really rich and didn't have to work. And also handsome.-- Dave George
"Jacob Sullum has produced a thoughtful, sane, and logical analysis of our drug laws. Is that even legal?"-- Dave Barry
I think if you really like a girl you have to pay a lot of attention to her. But try telling that to those jerks on the jury.-- Dave George
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.-- Dave Barry
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'-- Dave George
"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth."-- Dave Barry
Camels have 3 eyelids.
One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lipgrafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips; people will then be literally kissing your ass.-- Dave Barry
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
I think an embryo/fetus/baby becomes a "person" when it is smarter than a non-primate like a dog. By those standards, chimpanzees and gorillas are persons (although somewhat cognitively impaired--kind of like Fundamentalist Christians), but human newborns are not.-- Dave Touretzsky
People look ridiculous when they're in ecstasy.-- David Byrne
"If you risk nothing, then you risk everything."-- Geena Davis
"There are many silly superstitions about lightning, and as a result many people - maybe even you - are terrified of it. You shouldn't worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky, anytime, anywhere, and kill you."-- Dave Barry
The weirder you are, the better you have to be if you still want to get paid.-- Ben Aveling
There are multitudes in me. But not if I have to behave.
"I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for, with a newspaper column, is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit."-- Dave Barry
"Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them all."-- Henry David Thoreau
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"-- Dave Barry
"Theory: when you have ideas. Ideology: when ideas have you."
You can be a professional without being constipated about it.-- David Keyser
Education's purpose is to replace an open mind with a full one.-- David Nestor
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
"Intellectual brilliance is no guarentee against being dead wrong."-- David Fasold
A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?-- Dick Cavett
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.-- Henry David Thoreau
Do not mock a pain that you haven�t endured
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
Falling in Love
When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a good idea to check with your doctor.
-- Dave Barry
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."-- David Russell
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Excellence is the trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.-- Dave Barry ("In Search of Excellence")
"Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music for longer than they would ordinarily."-- David Byrne