213 hits
"There is a fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'."-- Dave Barry
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.-- Dave Butler
"I don't know what caffeine does for you, but I'm pretty sure without it your head caves in"-- Dave (News Radio)
Camels have 3 eyelids.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.-- Dave Edison
QoS means I don't have enough bandwidth, but if you pay me extra money I'll drop someone else's packets instead of yours.-- Dave Rand
Say what you like about me, but sometimes I wish that I were really rich and didn't have to work. And also handsome.-- Dave George
Hermits have no peer pressure.
"Jacob Sullum has produced a thoughtful, sane, and logical analysis of our drug laws. Is that even legal?"-- Dave Barry
I think if you really like a girl you have to pay a lot of attention to her. But try telling that to those jerks on the jury.-- Dave George
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
There are multitudes in me. But not if I have to behave.
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.-- Dave Barry
People look ridiculous when they're in ecstasy.-- David Byrne
"If you risk nothing, then you risk everything."-- Geena Davis
The weirder you are, the better you have to be if you still want to get paid.-- Ben Aveling
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'-- Dave George
"Theory: when you have ideas. Ideology: when ideas have you."
Do not mock a pain that you haven�t endured
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
"Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them all."-- Henry David Thoreau
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth."-- Dave Barry
You can be a professional without being constipated about it.-- David Keyser
Education's purpose is to replace an open mind with a full one.-- David Nestor
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
"Intellectual brilliance is no guarentee against being dead wrong."-- David Fasold
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?-- Dick Cavett
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.-- Henry David Thoreau
Half of the people in the world are below average.
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."-- David Russell
Those who say they 'sleep like a baby' haven't got one.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
"Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music for longer than they would ordinarily."-- David Byrne
You should have quit while you were only slighly behind.
'Truth' never set anyone free. It is only doubt which will bring mental emancipation.-- Anton LaVey
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
"I don't think you can be a true man until you've humiliated yourself before a woman."-- David Duchovny
Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress.
True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.-- David Tyson Gentry
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
I used to have an internal modem, but it made me walk funny.
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.-- Henry David Thoreau
"Men are more apt to be mistaken in their generalizations than in their particular observations."-- Machiavelli
One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lipgrafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips; people will then be literally kissing your ass.-- Dave Barry
"Some people have a large circle of friends while others have only friends that they like."
Recession: your friend loses his job. Depression: you lose your job. Recovery: Bush loses his job.-- Bill Davidsen
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brain.
What do you mean, "If a woodchuck could chuck wood"? What's the point in calling it a "woodchuck" if it can't ?-- David Gunter
Computers save man a lot of guesswork, but then, so do bikini's.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.-- David H. Comins
I think an embryo/fetus/baby becomes a "person" when it is smarter than a non-primate like a dog. By those standards, chimpanzees and gorillas are persons (although somewhat cognitively impaired--kind of like Fundamentalist Christians), but human newborns are not.-- Dave Touretzsky
At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day.
"Remember the Golden Rule: Those who have the gold make the rules."
"Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers."
"There are many silly superstitions about lightning, and as a result many people - maybe even you - are terrified of it. You shouldn't worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky, anytime, anywhere, and kill you."-- Dave Barry
Ad: Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
"The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good."-- Robert Graves
"I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for, with a newspaper column, is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit."-- Dave Barry
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: 'If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk.'
It's okay. Life doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be lived. (Dexter)
If God had meant for us to go around naked we would have been born that way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. (Ladies' Home Journal)
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"-- Dave Barry
"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."-- Ziggy
"Our country was founded on a distrust of government. Our founding fathers gave power to the people to keep an eye on government. So when politicians say "Trust me" they're actually being very unamerican."-- David Duchovny (X Files)
Pulling together is the aim of despotism and tyranny. Free men pull in all kinds of directions. It's the only way to make progress.-- Havelock Vetinari
The human language is like a cracked kettle on which we beat out a tune for a dancing bear, when we hope with our music to move the stars.-- Gustave Flaubert
Nana is now 99, in a nursing home, healthy, and still as sharp as a tack (not the best situation when you're surrounded by the demented, but she makes do).
-- Steve Dyer
Ah, then she'd have no problem relating to Usenet...-- David Preston
"We desire nothing so much as what we ought not to have"-- Buddha
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
Falling in Love
When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a good idea to check with your doctor.
-- Dave Barry
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.-- Mae West
The disarmament of fear, in ourselves and those that oppose, propels us. Every step forward brings the possibility of backlash. But forward we go.-- David G. Welton
Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer. (Clerks)
"Are you queer? Maybe just for tonight? 20 minutes? You don't have to be conscious."
Stenderup's law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
Even if complaints about man-bashing in this film were 99% true, it still wouldn't make up for the years of portraying women as bimbos in movies.-- Geena Davis (about "Themla & Louise")
"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."-- Tori Amos
Sign in a hotel elevator in Paris:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
The direct use of physical force is so poor a solution to the problem of limited resources that it is commonly employed only by small children and great nations.-- David Friedman
"People can travel great distances on a computer, so why can't we travel that way emotionally?"-- Tori Amos
Alien, n: A being who travels great distances to molest our cattle and trample our grain.
Like I've always said, If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me. (Steel Magnolias)
Murphy's Pharmaceutcal Law:
Only Adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.
Excellence is the trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.-- Dave Barry ("In Search of Excellence")
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.-- Abba Eban
"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said 'no, but I have the new Devo album'. Cops have no sense of humor."
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?-- T. S. Eliot
"Shouldn't we be carefully placing these comics in plastic bags?"
"No, we have lives." (MST3K)
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I like the kind of people that can hold on to the the feeling they have after the song or movie ends.
In a cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
Murphy's First Law of Computing:
Whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."-- Douglas Adams
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
"If I have any more caffeine, I'm going to end up running down the hallway naked." (Someone on Slashdot)
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.-- Mark Twain
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.-- Rob Pike (on X)
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
"Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it wont be allowed."-- Mark Twain
"God help us both."
"We Lylmik will help you as best we can. You will have to coerce God yourself."
If God created us in his own image, we have more than reciprocated.-- Voltaire
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."-- Cyril Connolly
Given the pace of technology, I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. (Calvin & Hobbes)
Um, anyway, what Java is really like is C++ that was neutered in an attempt to reduce its tendency to hump random objects, then took to huffing paint to escape its despair, and eventually did itself in but got raised from the dead.-- Jed Davis
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?-- Steven Wright
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
Poetry is the mixture of common sense, which not all have, with an uncommon sense, which very few have.-- John Masefield
"I have so many different personalities in me, and I still feel lonely."-- Tori Amos
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.-- Ogden Nash
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir.'-- Joan Rivers
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.-- Robert Bly
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.-- Confucius
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.-- Groucho Marx
The fewer clear facts you have in support of an opinion, the stronger your emotional attachment to that opinion.
If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.-- Kelvin Throop
"I don't have to choose, nyaah, nyaaah, nah nyaah nyaah."-- Sandra Hereld
Sometimes you have more perspective than the situation, sometimes the situation has more perspective than you.
Sexuality does not "turn on" at puberty and "turn off" at menopause. It is not a thing external, no matter how hard our culture teaches us to push it away. It is every bit as integral and fundamental the day you're born as it is the day you die.-- David Casti
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."-- Dave Barry ("Tenting Grandpa Bob")
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.-- Steven Wright
You don't have to think too hard while talking to teachers.-- J.D. Salinger
"You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead."-- Lois Platford
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.-- A. H. Weiler
"Men have fiendishly conceived a heaven only to find it insipid, and a hell only to find it ridiculous."-- George Santayana
Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.-- Alan Keightley
Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training.-- Anna Freud
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.-- Steven Wright
If you think that mental illness interferes with financial success, just look at the average television evangelist.
Occam's eraser: The philosophical principle that even the simplest solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
"If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time."-- Edith Wharton
"Anger is natural. It's part of the force. You just have to learn to hang out with it."-- Tori Amos
Dot: Do you think Scratchy'd like some cologne?
Fifi: We have "Obsession", "Repression", and "Ecstacy".
Dot: Do you have anything for beginners? (Animaniacs; Survey Ladies)
If common sense was so common then everyone would have it.-- Steve Giammarco
"Here's a horrible thought: You know how dumb the average person is? Well, half the human race is even dumber than that..."
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.-- Mark Twain
I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.-- Orson Welles
May you get to Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you're dead.-- Irish Proverb
"It stands for 'Sales and Marketing', you depraved monkeys."
"A rose by any other name, Stef."
(userfriendly.org)
"If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one."-- John Galsworthy
Religion is for people afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who have already been there.
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?"-- Bumper sticker
"Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."-- Hedy Lamarr
Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.-- Ronald Reagan
It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.
Gina: "Isn't it customary for the suspect to leave the scene of the crime?"
Debra: "Definitely an amateur" (Empire Records)
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.-- Edgar Allan Poe
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.-- Lily Tomlin
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.-- Chinese Proverb
I have no problem dealing with reality, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.-- Lily Tomlin
"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."-- Mark Twain
"So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?"-- Ayn Rand
When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?-- Douglas Gauck
"You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone."-- John Ciardi
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.-- Fred Allen
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.-- Max Frisch
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.
Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.-- Samuel Goldwyn
Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
"Dreams are the answers to questions that we haven't yet figured out how to ask."-- Fox Mulder (The X Files)
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.-- Oscar Wilde
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.-- Bill Bulko
If I have seen further than other men, it is by stepping on their glasses.-- Michael Swaine
You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you have to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.-- Fred Rogers
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.-- Elbert Hubbard
Unfortunately, as Usenet gets out to the masses it will become diluted.
-- Nelson Minar
*Again*!?!?
-- David Preston
"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."-- G. K. Chesterton
"Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good."
-- Vaclav Havel
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.-- Elizabeth Taylor
I must invent my own philosophical systems, or else be enslaved by other men's.-- William Blake
"This space intentionally has nothing but text explaining why this space has nothing but text explaining that this space would otherwise have been left blank, and would otherwise have been left blank."
You can tell how far we have to go when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.-- Steven Feiner
BASIC, n.:
A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.