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"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." (Correction Notice in the Ely Standard)
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Proof by eminent authority: I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.-- Gandhi
Notice in a hotel lobby in Bucharest:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
People must think I'm a mushroom. They constantly keep me in the dark and feed me bullshit.
"We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles."-- Mark Twain
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.-- Steven Wright
Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
"Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones."-- Phillips Brooks
I want to die like my grandfather, peaceful and in my sleep - not screaming like the other people in the car.
"God, so atrocious in the Old Testament, so attractive in the New--the Jekyll and Hyde of sacred romance."-- Mark Twain
Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.-- Tom Stoppard
Men are all alike in their promises. It is only in their deeds that they differ.-- Moliere