178 hits
When I was your age I...wait, I can't tell that story, it's wildly inappropriate. Which, oddly enough, is my point. Don't you want wildly inappropriate stories that you can't tell your children?-- Castle
"Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves."-- J. B. Priestley
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.-- Adolf Hitler
Procrastination will rule one day, OK?
In case of emergency, speak in cliches.
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.-- Dave Butler
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.-- Aristotle
He who laughs last found the dirty meaning.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock.-- Pablo Picasso
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.-- Sean O'Casey
For an instant I think I saw. I saw the loneliness of man as a gigantic wave which had been frozen in front of me, held back by the invisible wall of a metaphor.-- Carlos Casteneda
Headline: Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.-- Henry David Thoreau
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.-- Aristotle
2, 3, 3, 37 - the prime factorization of the beast.
A poet is someone who is astonished by everything.
A dark past creates a long path back to the surface.
All animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.-- Samuel Butler
"If Today Was a Fish, I'd Throw It Back In." (Song Title)
Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.-- Samuel Butler
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.-- Mary Little
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay.
Sexuality does not "turn on" at puberty and "turn off" at menopause. It is not a thing external, no matter how hard our culture teaches us to push it away. It is every bit as integral and fundamental the day you're born as it is the day you die.-- David Casti
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Music soothes the savage beast. ...unless it's polka.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
"Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much."
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that.-- John Stuart Mill
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* St-Lemur puts pasta next to antipasti
<KCaesar> You FOOL! You'll kill us all! (bash.org)
"There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality."-- Pablo Picasso
Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.-- Alan Keightley
Hartley's second law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
I love you, you love me,
With a little fricassee
And some mustard and ketchup smeared all over you,
Can't I have you for lunch too?
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
The sun is like breasts - risky to look at unless you've got sunglasses.
It's not how fast you run, or how high you jump. It's how well you bounce.
"How else am I to get you to treat me like a man of weight and substance unless I act as morally perturbed and angst-ridden as everyone else in this room?"-- Beast (X-Men comic)
I'm tired of being this pristine little socially acceptable monstrosity
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
The more we disagree, the bigger the chance that at least one of us is right.
Any sufficiently optimistic statement is indistinguishable from sarcasm.
A little knowledge may be a dangerous thing, but a little carnal knowledge rules.-- Wade Kwon
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it."-- Stephen Butler Leacock
"Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States."-- J. Bartlett Brebner
History, n. An account, mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.-- Ambrose Bierce
A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century.
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing.-- Samuel Butler
Never run from anything immortal. It only attracts their attention. (The Last Unicorn)
Murphy's Seventh Law of Computing:
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
PROGRAM, n.: A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.: To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
"Be kinder than necessary 'cause everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A: Because he was hungry.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Be careful of the closeness of the signs lunch and lesbian. If you sign, "I'm hungry, let's eat lesbians", you should be sure that's what you meant.-- Steve Eastman
Study the past, if you would divine the future.-- Confucius
The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.-- Mark Twain
Alien, n: A being who travels great distances to molest our cattle and trample our grain.
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?-- Kelvin Throop III
Motrin and espresso. The breakfast of champions.-- Sweet Poly
Murphy's Pharmaceutcal Law:
Only Adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.-- Oscar Wilde
"Improvised be damned! I thought of it this morning in my bath and I wish now I hadn't wasted it on this little crowd."-- Winston Churchill
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.-- Horngren
Proof by omission: The reader may easily supply the details. The other 253 cases are analogous.
I know I'm an acquired taste - I'm anchovies. And not everybody wants those hairy little things. If I was potato chips, I could go a lot more places, but I'm not.-- Tori Amos
"Shouldn't we be carefully placing these comics in plastic bags?"
"No, we have lives." (MST3K)
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Little Johnny was a scientist.
Little Johnny is no more.
For what he thought was H2O
was H2SO4.
"Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged about forever."
All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.-- Carl Sagan
The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray.-- Oscar Wilde
"In corporate religions as in others, the heretic must be cast out not because of the probability that he is wrong but because of the possibility that he is right."-- Antony Jay
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.-- Rob Pike (on X)
"Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex."-- Oscar Wilde
"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language."-- Buck Henry
We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection.-- Anais Nin
Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.
"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."-- Oscar Wilde
Is there no accounting for taste? There isn't even a budget for it.-- Sean Levy
The older I get, the more I think you ever learn is either further subtleties, or further distractions.
In the past, men created witches; now they create mental patients.-- Tom Szasz
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."-- Gilda Radner
Critics think that things should be done in good taste. Most people think that things should just taste good.-- Gene Simmons
There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS.-- Bastard Operator From Hell
"People are much more willing to lend you books than bookcases."-- Mark Twain
"Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest."-- Mark Twain
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
"Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the mind is never new, fresh, innocent."
"Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers."-- Robert Hummel
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir.'-- Joan Rivers
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved; the pig was committed.
It is better to waste one's youth, than to do nothing at all with it.-- Courteline
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.-- Groucho Marx
"Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for a little order, will lose both, and deserve neither."-- Thomas Jefferson
"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing.. that’s why we recommend it daily."
Only when the last tree has died, and the last river been poisoned, and the last fish been caught, will we realize that we cannot eat money.-- 19th Century Cree Indian
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.-- Steven Wright
Bullshit, in contrast to mere nonsense, is something that implies, but does not contain, adequate meaning or truth.
Cashtration, n.: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.-- Kin Hubbard
Yakko: So we should go?
Picasso: Oui, oui.
Yakko: Pardon?
Picasso: Oui, oui.
Yakko: The stuff they're getting away with on kid's shows these days... (Animaniacs)
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.-- Oscar Wilde
Joe: Lucas.
Lucas: Joe.
Joe: Where's the money?
Lucas: Joe, the money is gone.
Joe: Yeah I know it's gone. Where's it gone to?
Lucas: Atlantic City.
Joe: Atlantic City?
Lucas: Yeah.
Joe: Is it coming back from Atlantic City?
Lucas: Er, I don't think so Joe.
Joe: What's it doing in Atlantic City?
Lucas: Re-circulating.
Joe: Re-circulating?
Lucas: Uh-oh. Are you pissed off, Joe?
Joe: Lucas.
Lucas: Joe.
Joe: Lucas.
Lucas: Joe.
Joe: Lucas, listen to me. I told Mitchell Beck that you forgot to deposit the money. I told Mitchell that the money was still here.
Lucas: Joe, that's not true. It's in Atlantic City, I swear.
Joe: Shut up. Shut up, sit down and don't you move.
Lucas: It could be in other cities by now.
Joe: Oh shut up! Under no circumstances do I want you to leave that couch. Unless it's to bring me $9000 and then you bring it here to me, OK?
Lucas: Joe. I think it's going to be OK.
Joe: What makes you think that?
Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear. (Empire Records)
The next time you feel like downloading 'The Little Engine That Could' into a weapon of mass destruction: Don't.
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.-- H. L. Mencken
Choconiverous, adj: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony #9.-- Erwin Dietrich
"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."-- Tori Amos
"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."-- Nietzsche
Spirtle, n: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Pigslice, n: The last unclaimed piece of pizza that everyone is secretly dying for.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Do not go gentle into that good night... Rage, rage against the dying of the light.-- Dylan Thomas
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."-- Mario Andretti
Rhetorical subtlety doesn't work on people with the perceptive powers of an eggplant.-- Spencer Sun
"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."-- Neil Kinnock
I've decided, I'm going to feed every little addiction and silently go mad 'cause right now my writing sucks.-- Zaffel
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."-- Lucille Ball
In order to become the master the politician poses as the servant.-- Charles De Gaulle
"I wanna hold your hand" -- The Beatles.
"I wanna fuck you like an animal" -- Nine Inch Nails.
30 years of rock 'n roll evolution.
Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily.-- George Santayana
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.-- J. P. McEvoy
This is a work of fiction. All the characters in it, human and otherwise, are imaginary, excepting only certain of the fairy folk, whom it might be unwise to offend by casting doubts on their existence. Or lack thereof.-- Neil Gaiman ("The Books of Magic")
The good critic is he who narrates the adventures of his soul among masterpieces.-- Anatole France
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion-- Ambrose Bierce
"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said 'no, but I have the new Devo album'. Cops have no sense of humor."
"Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you." (Cheers)
"O human race, born to fly upward, wherefore at a little wind dost thou so fall?"-- Dante Alighieri
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.-- Oscar Wilde
"If you think about it, somewhere there's a Logrus master with Amelia Earhart, a whole squadron of P-51's, and a mile-high pile of socks and keys."
"I don't mind you coming here and wasting all my time, 'cause when you're standing oh so near, I kinda lose my mind."-- The Cars