Quotes

158 hits

"I don't know who Jim Henson is but I've heard he has his hand in a lot of things around here."
-- Kermit the Frog (in 1972)

Headline: Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

When in doubt, mumble.

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."
-- Mark Twain

To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer.
(Farmer's Almanac for 1978)

In case of emergency, speak in cliches.

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection.
-- Anais Nin

"Be virtuous and you will be eccentric."
-- Mark Twain

Headline: Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

"The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still 'tis nonsense."
-- Benjamin Franklin

"Familiarity breeds contempt--and children."
-- Mark Twain

"Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it wont be allowed."
-- Mark Twain

"Reality continues to ruin my life."
-- Calvin and Hobbes

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-- Lily Tomlin

"In America--as elsewhere--free speech is confined to the dead."
-- Mark Twain

When in danger, when in doubt,
run in circles, scream and shout.

The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.
-- Mark Twain

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
-- Albert Einstein

"We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles."
-- Mark Twain

"Virtue has never been as respectable as money."
-- Mark Twain

"Our representative democracy is not working because the Congress that is supposed to represent the voters does not respond to their needs. I believe the chief reason for this is that it is ruled by a small group of old men."
-- Shirley Chisholm (1924-2005; first black Congresswoman (served 1969-1983, D-NY), first black woman to run for President of the USA (in 1972))

"When angry, count four; when very angry, swear."
-- Mark Twain

Not all those who wander are lost.
-- J.R.R. Tolkein

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
-- Mark Twain

Nobody ever forgets where he buried a hatchet.
-- Kin Hubbard

When in trouble, when in doubt,
run in circles, scream and shout

Good art is not what it looks like, but what it does to us.
-- Roy Adzak ("Contemporary Artists," 1977)

A genius is just a crazy person with an audience
-- Tim Minchin

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
-- Anais Nin

In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
-- Lily Tomlin

"Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together."
-- Anais Nin

"Linux is free as in Syphilis"
(slashdot)

The writer is the engineer of the human soul.
-- Joseph Stalin

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain

The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
-- Kin Hubbard

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
-- Anais Nin

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
-- Kin Hubbard

The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony #9.
-- Erwin Dietrich

Midnight. Sober and fully dressed. This sucks.
-- Kevin T. Keith

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
-- Albert Einstein

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
-- Lily Tomlin

Cat, n: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.

Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?

"God, so atrocious in the Old Testament, so attractive in the New--the Jekyll and Hyde of sacred romance."
-- Mark Twain

Take time to come home to yourself everyday.
-- Robin Casarjeam

"People are much more willing to lend you books than bookcases."
-- Mark Twain

"Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest."
-- Mark Twain

"A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do."
-- Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes)

Cat: Ethereal music wreathed in mystery.

Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

'Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.'
(Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.)

"Cream rises to the top. So does fat."
-- Kelvin Throop III

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
-- Dick Cavett ("Playboy", 1971)

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-- Mark Twain

"May we all stay crazy and live the bitchin' life!"
-- Robin Williams

Life is too short not to be horny on main

"If you're one in a million, there are ten of you in New York."

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
-- Woody Allen (Without Feathers, 1976)

If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
-- Kelvin Throop

"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."
-- Mark Twain

The important thing is never to stop questioning.
-- Albert Einstein

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
-- Albert Einstein

I don't know much about morality but I know what I shouldn't like.
-- Tim Minchin

"Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed."
-- Dalin B. Oaks

"Indifference is isolation. In difference is texture and wonder."
-- Edwin Schlossberg

I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics.
-- Caitlin Bree (Clerks)

Do not mock a pain that you haven�t endured

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Morris dancing is an exercise in fertility.

Nurture your mind with great thoughts.

-- Benjamin Disraeli

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
-- Leonard Brandwein

Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN!
-- Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes)

"Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them."
-- Albert Einstein

"You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus."
-- Mark Twain

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-- Mark Twain

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

Some people get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.
-- Kin Hubbard

I still got a hug in me!
-- GIR (Invader Zim)

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
-- Albert Einstein

A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.
-- Kin Hubbard

A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet.

My body is a temple. Virgin sacrifices at 11.

Being right too soon is socially unacceptable.
-- Robert A. Heinlein

The skin of civilization is only 7 meals thick

Only a monomaniac gets what we commonly refer to as results.
-- Albert Einstein

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-- Albert Einstein

"Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a stone."
-- Mark Twain

I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-- Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes)

"To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add the sheep was tautology."
-- Mark Twain

Only when the last tree has died, and the last river been poisoned, and the last fish been caught, will we realize that we cannot eat money.
-- 19th Century Cree Indian

"It is much easier to be critical than to be correct."
-- Benjamin Disraeli

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."
-- Mark Twain

Common sense: The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
-- Albert Einstein

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
-- Lily Tomlin

'Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.'
-- Lord Kelvin (President, Royal Society, 1895)

You'll go to Heck if you don't believe in Gosh.

Moral behavior is survival behavior above the individual level.
-- Robert Heinlein

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
-- Mark Twain

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
-- Lily Tomlin

"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat."
-- Mark Twain

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein

At a doctors office in Rome:
"Specialist in women and other diseases"

"Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal."
-- Martin Luther King Jr.

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
-- Mark Twain

"Everything that can be said can be said clearly."
-- Ludwig Wittgenstein

Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind.
-- Albert Einstein

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin

"For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision."
-- Kelvin Throop III

I have no problem dealing with reality, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
-- Lily Tomlin

Science without religion is lame; religion without science is blind.
-- Albert Einstein

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.

A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."
-- Mark Twain

[The Bible] has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.
-- Mark Twain

"I told you I was sick."
(from a tombstone in the U.K.)

What is inconceivable about the universe is that it is at all conceivable.
-- Albert Einstein

"No one has ever loved anyone the way everyone wants to be loved."
-- Mignon McLaughlin

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.
-- Benjamin Dana

"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."

"...the only place for 63,000 bugs is a rain forest"

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
-- Harold Coffin

"The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions."
-- Maurice Chapelain

"For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel and cook."
-- Quentin Crisp

Experience allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-- Franklin P. Jones

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
-- Albert Einstein

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.
-- Franklin P. Jones

"'Stay' is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary."

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Headline: Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

It's only fun if you can get in trouble for doing it.

Don't seek happiness. Happiness is like an orgasm. If you think about it too much it goes away.
-- Tim Minchin

We think in language, therefore the quality of our thoughts can only ever be as good as the quality of our language.
-- George Carlin

"Not a Morning Person" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.

Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

You're about as accurate as an archer in a centrifuge.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
-- Albert Einstein

"It's Hong Kong action. Anything you know about physics is just going to hold you back."
-- Robin D. Laws

The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.
-- Anais Nin

Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
-- Robert A. Heinlein

"I like butter and the people who like butter."
-- Tori Amos (Dew Drop In Tour, June 12, 1996)

If I'm not back in five minutes, wait longer.
(Ace Ventura)

"Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we'."
-- Mark Twain

Join the army: meet interesting people, then kill them.

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept."
-- Calvin and Hobbes

It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men.
-- Mae West

'Love' is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
-- Robert A. Heinlein (Jubal Harshaw, Stranger in a Strange Land)

The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us are going to the stars.
-- Robert A. Heinlein