112 hits
Hindsight is an exact science.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.-- Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?-- Steven Wright
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Thy sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.-- Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.-- Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.-- Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.-- Steven Wright
"The [Kate] Bush comparisons are inevitable, but there is an edge, an unpredictability, to Amos that is not apparent in Bush. Tori Amos is what Kate Bush would become if the latter were under a full moon."-- Stephen Knight (JAM! Showbiz)
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.-- Steven Wright
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.-- Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.-- Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?-- Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.-- Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.-- Steven Wright
No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.-- Steven Wright
Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Adultery - two wrong people doing the right thing.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire...-- Steven Wright
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.-- E. B. White
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines-- Frank Lloyd Wright
For most mothers, day care is a problem. I'm looking for night care, too.-- Cathy Crimmins
Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.-- Steven Wright
I usually shoot for that threshold of coffee strength that's just *short* of the coffee achieving sentience.-- Gretchen Wright
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
You go right on thinking that. Don't let reality stop you.-- dpm
Lust comes at first sight, love comes after staring at the same person for elongated periods of time.-- lj user slvrstarlight
"Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us without words?"
Whoever said women don't like porn just isn't talking to the right women. Or showing them the right porn.
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.-- Ogden Nash
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it is fun trying.
Insecurity is comparing our behind the scenes to others highlight reel.
That your decision was right doesn't in any way mean your reasons were.
"I'll fight for you, but I will not compete for you... There's a difference."
"There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it." (Niven's Law #16)
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull a sled through the snow.
"Are you queer? Maybe just for tonight? 20 minutes? You don't have to be conscious."
"They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck."
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."-- Mark Twain
First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."-- William Dement
Last night you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me.
...do it again.-- Morticia Addams
Bozone, n: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
To my opinion, most modern poetry is written because people do not want to stand up and fight for what they are writing about.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.-- Franz Kafka
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."-- Steven Wright
Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.-- D. H. Lawrence
"Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night."-- Andy Warhol
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing.-- Gamel Abdel Nasser
I thought I was in love once, and then later I thought maybe it was just an inner-ear imbalance.-- Fraser (Due South)
"It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."-- Fred Adler
Do not go gentle into that good night... Rage, rage against the dying of the light.-- Dylan Thomas
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.-- Alfred Adler
Morality is doing what's right regardless of what you're told.
Obedience is doing what you're told regardless of what is right.
Reason, v.i: To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.-- Ambrose Bierce
I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.-- Voltaire
"If you ever have a free moment, you might consider checking out the travel brochures for the town in which you live. You might be amazed. You might not want to live there anymore."-- Douglas Coupland
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel.-- Ewald Nyquist
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.-- Emo Phillips
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.-- Will Rogers
Spirtle, n: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.-- Tommy Smothers
Democracy according to the NRA: Firearms are necessary to protect individual liberties; most of all the right to own firearms.
Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.-- Terry Pratchett
From the 'Rules for women':
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
I've decided, I'm going to feed every little addiction and silently go mad 'cause right now my writing sucks.-- Zaffel
Dad taught me everything I know, but he didn't teach me everything he knows.-- Al Unser Jr.
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'-- Dave George
"Forget all those health clinics and gyms. Sex is the best cure for everything, especially stress. If I have a good night of sex, all my problems are gone by 10 o' clock in the morning."-- Grace Jones
...problems continue in the South African black townships. Four people were killed in violent clashes yesterday. A black spokesman said - this situation is a tragedy for our people; we get no help from the government; blacks are dying and all the whites can do is talk about cricket. [very brief pause] last night at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the South African cricket team defeated Australia in the day-night match... (A(ustralian)BC-FM news)
Accuracy, n: The vice of being right.
"Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we'."-- Mark Twain
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.-- Anais Nin
"The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."-- Ben Franklin
...as opposed to Xena's paradox, which is, "How exactly can she fight in that leather outfit, and leave all of that flesh exposed, and survive?"
"If you are a human being, you might as well face it. You are going to rub a lot of people the wrong way."-- Jane Wagner
And so, the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn't that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people.-- Terry Pratchett (Night Watch)
If I sit here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think I'm an engineer working on something.-- S.R. McElroy
A age is called dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it.-- James Michener ("Space")
Do not mock a pain that you haven�t endured
"And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress."-- Basil Fawlty
"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."-- Edgar Allen Poe
If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.-- Marie Osmond
Not to expose your true feelings to an adult seems to be instinctive from the age of seven or eight onwards.-- George Orwell
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.-- Augustine
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.-- Otto Von Bismarck
X-Chromosome: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs. (Cynic's Dictionary)
"The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists -- that is why they invented hell."-- Bertrand Russell
All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-- Homer Simpson
If you sat a million monkeys down at a million computers, they might just come up with a great... Oh wait... we're already doing that.-- J.P. Styskal
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.-- Jack Handey
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.
"Hmm, pleasant effect" thought God, and flipped it off and on a few times.