542 hits
The sweetest of all sounds is praise.-- Xenophon
Eloquence is logic on fire.
War on common sense - I think we actually won that one...
Never moon a werewolf.
On a toilet door: "Q2P"
31.69 nHz = once a year.
"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
There's a nut loose on your keyboard.
After 16 years, MTV has finally completed its de-evolution into the shiny things network.-- The Onion
Life is too short not to be horny on main
Procrastination will rule one day, OK?
"Conviction is a luxury for those on the sidelines."
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Manners are one of the truly lost causes.-- John Simon
Subduction leads to orogeny!
The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me.-- Sloan Wilson
"One person can trigger a million thoughts."
Never only doubt or only believe your doubts.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
The skin of civilization is only 7 meals thick
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.-- Rob Pike (on X)
Serving drinks on aircraft causes turbulence.
If I can make just one person laugh, then it must've been a pretty good eulogy.-- Wade Kwon
Don’t speak unless you can improve on the silence.
The guns and the bombs, the rockets and the warships, are all symbols of human failure.-- Lyndon B Johnson
"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."-- Richard Nixon
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
Dead men tell no tales, but then, neither do mimes.-- Wade Kwon
Terror: A female Klingon with PMS.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
Headline: Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
There is a superstition in avoiding superstition.-- Francis Bacon
Secret, n: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.-- Paul Biron
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
"For some part, genius is but an embellishment on focus"
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.-- Emerson
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."-- G. K. Chesterton
The question is not so much whether there is life on Mars as whether it will continue to be possible to live on Earth.
The revolution will NOT be televised.
"Don't apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem."
Headline: Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.-- R. Clopton
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.-- Earl Wilson
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Domestication is the enemy of romance.
Fanfiction is just fixing things in post-post-production
Adult, n: One old enough to know better.
Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts"
"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street."
One can overstate anything. Your advertising depends on it.
"Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life's problems."-- Homer Simpson
"I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now."
Kisses are like tears. The only ones that are real are the ones you can't hold back.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
"What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?"-- Richard Nixon
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?-- Paul Simon
'It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.'-- Jackie Mason
'Be yourself' is about the worst advice you can give to people.-- Tom Masson
I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance.
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.-- Don Marquis
"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders."-- Sloan Wilson
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare.-- Blair Houghton
"Public opinion sets bounds to every government, and is the real sovereign in every free one."-- James Madison
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
The sooner you start to code, the longer the program will take.-- Roy Carlson
The two most common elements in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.-- Harlan Ellison
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.-- Mae West
"A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author."-- S. C. Johnson
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.-- Adlai Stevenson
"All dogmas perish the thinking mind, especially ones you agree with."-- Adam Richardson
Friendship is Love without its wings. (l'Amiti� est l'amour sans ailes.)-- Lord Byron
"No one has ever loved anyone the way everyone wants to be loved."-- Mignon McLaughlin
A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.-- Doug Larson
You go right on thinking that. Don't let reality stop you.-- dpm
Perpetual motion, illustrated: Try putting a slinky on an escalator.
There are lots of things I'd like to be someday, but "normal" is definitely not one of them.-- Nelson Minar
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.-- Dave Edison
Be the person you needed when you were younger.
'Truth' never set anyone free. It is only doubt which will bring mental emancipation.-- Anton LaVey
Ignoranus, n: A person who is not only ignorant, but an asshole to boot.
A little knowledge may be a dangerous thing, but a little carnal knowledge rules.-- Wade Kwon
Machine learning, n: Automation of your biases
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
"If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time."-- Edith Wharton
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."-- Winston Churchill
I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.-- Orson Welles
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.-- Will Rogers
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
2, 3, 3, 37 - the prime factorization of the beast.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.-- Earl Wilson
Wreckless Driving -- You'd think that would be a good thing.-- Chris Sampson
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them.-- J. von Neumann
"I like to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say 'get a life' on them"
It's only fun if you can get in trouble for doing it.
"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere."-- G. K. Chesterton
"...the only place for 63,000 bugs is a rain forest"
"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it."-- Doug Larson
"There comes a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."-- Gilda Radner
"The laws of probability, so true in general, so fallacious in particular."-- Edward Gibbon
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
"Make lots of money", "enjoy the work", "operate within the law": choose 2-- Brian Anderson
Sometimes you have to bite people hard on the lip before they realize you're not kissing them, so keenly do they yearn for approval.-- Jess Anderson
"Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month."-- Wernher von Braun
Saying that Java is better just because it works on all platforms is like saying anal sex is better just because it works on all genders
"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's this day-to-day living that wears you out."-- Anton Chekhov
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.-- Dick Brandon
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
What is the nature of God? His nature is entirely dependent upon the age or culture that has reinvented him.-- Solomon Skink
"Improvised be damned! I thought of it this morning in my bath and I wish now I hadn't wasted it on this little crowd."-- Winston Churchill
"Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution."
Begin somewhere; you cannot build a reputation on what you intend to do.-- Liz Smith
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.-- Woody Allen
Those who say they 'sleep like a baby' haven't got one.
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.-- Ogden Nash
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.-- Wernher von Braun
The only good strategy is one that no one else understands.-- Tracy Kidder
"There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have."-- Don Herold
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Headline: Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.-- Thomas Jefferson
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.-- Francis Bacon
"Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock."-- New York Times
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
"Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man."-- Francais Bacon
Sleep deprivation is fun -- you see such pretty colors.
'Impossible' tends to be an opinion rather than a fact.
We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others by their acts.-- Harold Nicolson
Sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"Do no activate with wet hands"
I think it's adorable that our fans call me Shirl. It's preferrable to asshole.-- Shirley Manson
A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century.
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
"The problem with post-modernism is that you like it more if you're innumerate or illiterate; both is best."-- Graydon
Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
You should have quit while you were only slighly behind.
He's come up with half of the algorithms used in the 20th century, but wouldn't actually recognize an actual computer if you dropped it on him.-- Jason Riek (about Dana Scott)
Piety, n: Reverence for the Supreme Being, based on His supposed resemblance to man.
There are two ways spreading the light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.-- Edith Wharton
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.-- Francis Bacon
"The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."-- Samuel Johnson
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.-- Samuel Johnson
"Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it."
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
"You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus."-- Mark Twain
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.-- Otto von Bismarck
Be one of those upon whom nothing is lost.-- Henry James
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.-- David Tyson Gentry
"If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd everytime, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side."-- Orson Scott Card
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.-- Homer Simpson
"A child prodigy is one with highly imaginative parents."
I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.-- Sara-Jane Linton
Thinking is not a panacea, but to paraphrase Gandhi, maybe it would be a good idea to try some.-- Jess Anderson
We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on when it's necessary to compromise.
-- Larry Wall
Lactomangulation - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.-- Winston Churchill
"There ain't no rules around here, we're trying to accomplish something."-- Thomas Alva Edison
"We're not exploiting women. We're exploiting middle-aged men with credit cards." (on porn)
Antisocial arrogance is only for those of us who deserve it.
Politics is storytelling. We just pick the one we like best.
"If you're one in a million, there are ten of you in New York."
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense of boredom.-- Cyril Parkinson
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
"This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read."-- Winston Churchill
"As soon as questions of will or decision or reason or choice of action arise, human science is at a loss."-- Noam Chomsky
Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.-- Napoleon Bonaparte
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. But you know most of them didn't get the joke in the first place, the lying weasels.-- Wade Kwon
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground."-- Thomas Jefferson
Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.-- Solomon Short
What a man knows at fifty that he didn't know at twenty is, for the most part, incommunicable.-- Adlai Stevenson
The definition of easy work is work that someone else has to do.
I do not like the man: he has all of the virtues I detest and none of the vices I admire.-- Winston Churchill
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."-- Thomas A. Edison
A troll is someone who, finding that no-one likes them, decides to pretend that it's on purpose.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.-- Groucho Marx
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.-- Otto Von Bismarck
I like the kind of people that can hold on to the the feeling they have after the song or movie ends.
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.-- Aaron Levenstein
A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Dracula: I am Count Dracula!
Yakko: Didn't you use to teach math on Sesame Street? (Animaniacs)
"...everyone else here is likely as stressed as you are, though much more competent and cynical."
-- Chris Johnson (a.s.r)
"We are the flaming, exploding, CGI-movie saturated MTV generation after all. If it isn't bright pink and green, naked, on fire and computer animated, I just yawn and walk away." (Someone on Slashdot)
Words skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere.-- Amy Tan
"If I have any more caffeine, I'm going to end up running down the hallway naked." (Someone on Slashdot)
"Misquotation is, in fact, the pride and privilege of the learned. A widely-read man never quotes accurately for the rather obvious reason that he has read too widely."-- Hesketh Pearson
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's 'St. Matthew Passion' on a ukelele.
I'm sick of tattoos, sick of piercings, sick of temporary tattoos. They are the white stilettos of the '90s.-- Shirley Manson
"If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities."-- Maya Angelou
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me."-- Hunter S. Thompson
"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."-- Neil Kinnock
Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for a little order, will lose both, and deserve neither."-- Thomas Jefferson
Basing any to-be-correct life philosophy on one tiny alteration of your current life philosophy, that needed replacement as you've decided, is just bound to be a mistake.
All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-- Homer Simpson
Ad: Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Classic art was the art of necessity: modern romantic art bears the stamp of caprice and chance.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sometimes I wish I had a knob to turn up the intelligence on the Internet. I have one on my monitor marked brightness, but it doesn't seem to work very well, does it?-- Bryan Manske
That your decision was right doesn't in any way mean your reasons were.
This is one of those episodes which makes you want to call up the screenwriter and ask to see their slash. `Cause you know they write it.-- Rhipodon Society
"If we can dispel the delusion that learning about computers should be an activity of fiddling with array indexes and worrying whether X is an integer or a real number, we can begin to focus on programming as a source of ideas."-- Harold Abelson
On the sexes:
Brains times Beauty times Availability = Constant.
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: 'If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk.'
"Faith" is a fine invention
When Gentlemen can see --
But microscopes are prudent
In an Emergency.-- Emily Dickinson
"Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well."
No, you may not speak freely. This is America. We have a high moral hypocrisy to uphold.-- Shannon Thomas Pricket
"Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice."
As I stare into the abyss of the toilet bowl I try hard to rememeber the reason why I felt the desperate need to mix vodka and red wine with whiskey and tequila.-- Shirley Manson
Interpretation is the revenge of the intellect upon art.-- Susan Sontag
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
It wouldn't matter a jot if Christina Aguilera claimed she loved Garbage. I'd still think she was a horrid little squirt.-- Shirley Manson
Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights, once.
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
C++, the language in which only friends can access your private members.
It is better to be hated for what one is than loved for what one is not.-- Andre Gide
"Homo sapiens, the first truly free species, is about to decommission natural selection, the force that made us.... Soon we must look deep within ourselves and decide what we wish to become."-- Edward O. Wilson
"When the people fear their government there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."-- Thomas Jefferson
On applause: They named it Ovation from the Latin ovis, a sheep.-- Plutarch
"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."-- Blair P. Houghton
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.-- Samuel Johnson
ADAPTABILITY:
Excellent: Walks on water
Good: Walks on water in emergencies
Average: Washes with water
Fair: Drinks water
Poor: Passes water in emergencies
On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.-- Oscar Wilde
Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
The more we disagree, the bigger the chance that at least one of us is right.
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
It was irritating to have one's physical shortcomings pointed out quite so plainly twice in one evening, once by a beautiful girl and once by a dying badger.-- Tom Holt
Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies:
As a USENET discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.
I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it anymore, and what's it seems weird and scary.-- Abraham Simpson
Now, in the Overall Schema Of The Universe, I would imagine that this sort of thing ranks somewhere down around gnat's eyelashes.-- George Madison
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.-- Jeremy S. Anderson
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
"Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the eyes with a big rubber basketball shoe."-- Hunter S. Thompson
"To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day."
-- Winston Churchill
Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.-- Thomas Jefferson
"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Scarlet: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study. Two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.
Scarlet: That's not six.
Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.
Scarlet: Uh, uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus one plus one.
Wadsworth: Even if you are right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus two plus one plus one.
Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one--Shut up! (Clue)
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1 1/2 tons. (Popular Mechanics, March 1949)
Scientists find wonder in everything, except extremely dull papers on quality assurance.
-- Telo (#xkcd)
"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
On an American Airlines package of nuts: Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
Religion often gets credit for curing rascals when old age is the real medicine.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.-- Will Rogers
2+2=5-ism: Caving in to a target marketing strategy aimed at oneself after holding out for a long period of time. "Oh, all right, I'll buy your stupid cola. Now leave me alone."-- Douglas Coupland ('Generation X')
"The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums."-- Peter De Vries
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
"I gave up on new poetry myself thirty years ago, when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens on a hostile world."-- Russell Baker
Dante Hicks: Theoretically, people see money on the counter, and no one around, they think they're being watched.
Veronica: Honesty through paranoia. (Clerks)
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
If common sense was so common then everyone would have it.-- Steve Giammarco
Men are like parking spaces: the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?-- Dick Cavett
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.-- Mark Twain
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."-- Groucho Marx
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
"They are wrong who say that love is blind. On the contrary, nothing - not even the smallest detail - escapes the eyes; one sees everything in the loved one, notices everything; but melts it all into one flame with the great and simple: �I love you.�"
"The west won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact, non-westerners never do."-- Samuel P. Huntington
Cigarette, n: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco inbetween.
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.-- Benjamin Dana
"There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it." (Niven's Law #16)
The disarmament of fear, in ourselves and those that oppose, propels us. Every step forward brings the possibility of backlash. But forward we go.-- David G. Welton
Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.-- Ronald Reagan
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.-- Alfred Hitchcock
I'm totally unfreaked about any kind of bodily function. My band are with it too; they'll carry my tampons round in their pockets if I don't have a bag-- Shirley Manson
The principle difference between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives.
"They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck."
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
"Talents are best nurtured in solitude; character is best formed in the stormy billows of the world."-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"A cult is a religion with no political power."-- Tom Wolfe
I revel some but not nearly enough to get up on stage. In fact, the amount of drunken revelry required to get me on stage in a karaoke bar would probably also send me into a coma.-- Joe Lavin
"Programming graphics in X is like finding the square root of PI using Roman numerals."-- Henry Spencer
A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure.
Never run from anything immortal. It only attracts their attention. (The Last Unicorn)
"For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong."-- H. L. Mencken
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, chances are you're the one.
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.-- Jon Ribbens
Common sense: The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.-- Albert Einstein
Can there be, when you think about it, a more improbable sentiment than 'Get fucked!'? We might as well snarl 'Make a lot of money!' or 'Have a nice day!'-- Bill Bryson (The Mother Tongue)
Reconsider, v: To seek a justification for a decision already made.-- Ambrose Bierce
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.-- H. G. Wells
On the internet, no one knows you're a CHICKEN! A GIANT CHICKEN!-- Denis Moskowitz
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?-- Marilyn Pittman
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.-- K (MiB)
Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
"He that will not reason is a bigot, He that cannot reason is a fool, He that dares not reason is a slave."-- William Drummond
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."-- Bill Watterson (Calvin & Hobbes)
Practical or mean and sneaky? - getting a permanent heart tatoo on your arm and getting three-day temporary tatoos for the names.
"Question Authority. They usually know where the bathroom is."-- Daria
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.-- H. L. Mencken
To in good days say "look what i've reached"
and on bad days say "why was this done to me"
..is mighty disproportionate.
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]-- Doug Larson
"I don't need to be told how to do my job."
"I hope not, because it's by ass on the line and I'm up to my neck in it." (The Thin Blue Line)
I think if you really like a girl you have to pay a lot of attention to her. But try telling that to those jerks on the jury.-- Dave George
If I have seen further than other men, it is by stepping on their glasses.-- Michael Swaine
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"People can travel great distances on a computer, so why can't we travel that way emotionally?"-- Tori Amos
"There is no man that is worth your tears. When you find one who is, he won't make you cry."
There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.-- Silent Bob (Clerks)
Rhetorical subtlety doesn't work on people with the perceptive powers of an eggplant.-- Spencer Sun
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.
"Hmm, pleasant effect" thought God, and flipped it off and on a few times.
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Unfortunately, as Usenet gets out to the masses it will become diluted.
-- Nelson Minar
*Again*!?!?
-- David Preston
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction after all has to make sense, right?
Science without religion is lame; religion without science is blind.-- Albert Einstein
The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but living, honored rules of conduct amongst us... I'm glad the American Civil Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.-- Adlai Stevenson
You wouldn't know a good time if it stripped naked, hopped on your face, and started wiggling!-- C. Stanley
"And the heat goes on... where the hand has been."-- Byrne/Eno
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
Erotica is stuff that's meant to be read with one hand.-- Carl Manz
"Some people have a large circle of friends while others have only friends that they like."
Murphy's Pharmaceutcal Law:
Only Adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.
God, as some cynic has said, is always on the side which has the best football coach.-- Heywood Broun
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Modern times are an awkward spectacle. On the one hand, our public selves compete for scarce window space, for the opportunity to see in and to where power is decided and used. On the other, private life recedes like a glacier, a translucent corner of heaven meant only to be photographed, never settled.-- Revel
You don't wanna get laid, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you gotta talk to 'em. (Colors)
"Always be a 1st-rate version of yourself instead of a 2nd rate version of someone else."-- Judy Garland
It's summer and some people head for the woods.
Canoe wild streams to show they've got the goods,
Hiking and biking and running outdoors;
I think I'll just go out and lie on my porch.
Give me two pillows and a bottle of Pabst.
I once was a traveller, but my interest lapsed;
I went thousands of miles, natives to see
They were sitting on porches, laughing at me.-- Garrison Keillor
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed a cat. (Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London)
"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."-- Bertrand Russell
A genius is just a crazy person with an audience-- Tim Minchin
"The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions."-- Maurice Chapelain
The value of the Constitution depends on the good will of government itself. If the Supreme Court rules that the Bill of Rights should not interfere with the important business of government (which they have done on at least two occasions), then the Constitution is meaningless.-- John Kormylo
Today was a really, really great day, on the "aaagh fuck me!" scale.-- Steve VanDevender
Come, let us retract the foreskin of misconception and apply the wire brush of enlightenment.
Nana is now 99, in a nursing home, healthy, and still as sharp as a tack (not the best situation when you're surrounded by the demented, but she makes do).
-- Steve Dyer
Ah, then she'd have no problem relating to Usenet...-- David Preston
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion-- Ambrose Bierce
"Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others."-- Edward Abbey
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.-- Cohen's Law
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.-- Susan Ertz
NASA doesn't have any live weapons; we can only drop management paperwork on those who peeve us--but with a B-52 we can drop a lot of it!-- Mary Shafer
Aquadextrous, adj: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.-- Laurance J. Peter
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.-- Peter de Vries
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. (Steel Magnolias)
Life is a trap for logicians; it looks just a little more mathematical and regular than it is. Its exactitude is obvious, but its inexactitude is hidden; its wildness lies in wait.-- G.K Chesterton
Arnold's First Law of Documentation
If it should exist, it doesn't.
Arnold's Second Law of Documentation
If it does exist, it's out of date.
Arnold's Third Law of Documentation
Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws.
Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
VB is very useful for allowing non programmers to prove they cant program.-- Druck
Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.-- Holly (Red Dwarf II, Queeg)
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.-- Confucius
The Pet Principle:
No matter which side of the door your dog or cat is on, it is the wrong side.
We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.-- Jonathan Swift
"Real poetry doesn't say anything, it just ticks off the possibilities, opens all doors; you can walk through any one that suits you. If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people from the limited ways in which they see and feel."-- Jim Morrison
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."-- Dan Quayle
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics. (As it is statistically much more likely to get struck by lightning than win the lottery)
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.-- Mae West.
I think I'll go someplace where I can find intelligent conversation....
-- Alan Williams
Stop teasing like this! We know you love the attention you get here! Fess up -- you're a soc.motss abuse bottom and you know it!-- Greg Parkinson
Seeing is forgetting the name of that which one sees.-- Paul Valery
Ah, twitter, where people will be deeply outraged for one to six hours, before forgetting forever.
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.-- Christopher Morley
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire...-- Steven Wright
"The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."-- Ben Franklin
The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand.
We listen to reply.
If a man carefully examines his thoughts, he will be surprised to find how much he lives in the future. His well-being is always ahead. Such a creature is probably immortal.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Maybe life is a grindstone; whether it polishes you or wears you down depends on what you're made of.-- Kay Fletcher
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
"Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action."-- George Washington
"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists ... in the loved one, perfection."-- Sidney Poitier
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking other people to live as one wishes to live."-- Oscar Wilde
The music is the magic carpet that the other things take naps on.-- Tori Amos
A collaborative project: one in which individuals participate voluntarily, cooperate freely, rotate authorship seniority and disagree amicably, working on projects of no forseeable use to anyone.
"It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis."-- Dennis Miller
The whole problem can be stated quite simply by asking, 'Is there a meaning to music?' My answer would be, 'Yes.' And 'Can you state in so many words what the meaning is? My answer to that would be, 'No.'-- Aaron Copland
"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language."-- Buck Henry
Music is the science of manipulating emotion through sound.-- Angus Gray
Always behave like a duck: keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.-- Jacob Braude
"On the Web we are made out of sentences, and some people insist on showing up hideously deformed."-- livejournal user: vilious
If I sit here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think I'm an engineer working on something.-- S.R. McElroy
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.-- Oscar Wilde
"In all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other" (Contact)
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.-- Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love)
Just as the whole is more than the sum of parts, the forest more than the tree and birds, so is mankind greater than the wanking of its nerds on slashdot.org.
Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Organized Religion is like Organized Crime; it preys on peoples' weakness, generates huge profits for its operators, and is almost impossible to eradicate.-- Mike Hermann
In a lecture on dairy physics: "We have on the left a spherical cow of uniform density, on the right is a spherical hay stack of uniform density. The two are separated by an infinite fence of infinitesimal thickness delta. Now, before looking at the governing relationships...let's make some assumptions."-- Alain Bouchard
"Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night."-- Andy Warhol
"Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the 6th century, which was an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland." (Nov. 1998 issue of Infosystems Executive)
"A nuclear power plant is infinently safer than eating, because 300 people choke to death on food every year."-- Dixy Lee Ray
If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.-- Marie Osmond
"When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch your own heart, how do you expect to touch other people?"-- Tori Amos
"The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action."-- Frank Herbert
"Ergotism is what you get if you overuse the word "therefore". Egotism on the other hand is a form of "I" strain."-- Paul Martin
Decafalon, n.: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
You're probably the sort who would have Dorothy arrested for throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West.-- Eric Holeman
Do just once what others say you can't do,
and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.-- James R. Cook
When they broadcast this footage, they proceeded it with something like "KRON has learned that a group of paedophiles has been meeting in a public library." They implied over and over again that these people, whose faces they were showing on TV, were criminals. Hell, maybe half of them are, but the other half have been slandered and had their reputations ruined. It's supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, not innocent until caught in the wrong place on a slow news day.-- David Preston
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.-- H. L. Mencken
"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."-- Bryan White
Most religions do not make men better, only warier.-- Elias Canetti
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.-- Justin Richardson
We may begin to see reality differently simply because the computer ... provides a different angle on reality.-- Heinz Pagels
Poetry is the mixture of common sense, which not all have, with an uncommon sense, which very few have.-- John Masefield
Bathquake, n: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.-- Mike Adams
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."-- Kristian Wilson (Nintendo Inc. 1989)
The truth knocks on the door and you say, "Go away, I'm looking for the truth," and so it goes away. Puzzling.-- Robert Pirsig
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your middle finger and tell someone to "bite me!"
"Our country was founded on a distrust of government. Our founding fathers gave power to the people to keep an eye on government. So when politicians say "Trust me" they're actually being very unamerican."-- David Duchovny (X Files)
"The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are."-- Mark Twain
“If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for, in detail, ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for.”-- Thomas Merton
"It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."-- Fred Adler
"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it."
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart...
Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.-- Carl Jung
Men are all alike in their promises. It is only in their deeds that they differ.-- Moliere
A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.-- J. Pierpoint Morgan
Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.-- Sigmund Freud
"I find imperfection the most interesting thing about a person"-- Jodi Foster
Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.-- Tom Stoppard
"This site is intended for people over 18, but only because kids shoot each other if they hear the word 'fuck'."
Pedaeration, n: Achieving the perfect body heat by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
"All children are morbid. It is their one saving grace."-- Truman Capote
It is better to waste one's youth, than to do nothing at all with it.-- Courteline
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.-- Roger Noe
Chicken Soup, n.:
An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.-- Arthur Naiman ("Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish")
Sometimes you have more perspective than the situation, sometimes the situation has more perspective than you.
"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing.. that’s why we recommend it daily."
Education's purpose is to replace an open mind with a full one.-- David Nestor
"The way I play is a bit torturous but... it's the only way I know how to play."-- Tori Amos
javalin: Unwieldy spear with poor flight characteristics and excessive weight. Due to its poor ballistics, it is usually used to stab a programming project through the heart until dead.-- Charles Shannon Hendrix
Thinking of Maud you forget everything else. -- hack v1.0.3
Who was that Maud person anyway? -- nethack v3.1.0
"If there is one thing that always comes out of a terrible tragedy, it is really dumb legislation." (Esquire magazine)
"Men have fiendishly conceived a heaven only to find it insipid, and a hell only to find it ridiculous."-- George Santayana
"There's nothing like desire to prevent the things one says from having any resemblance to the things in one's mind."-- Marcel Proust
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?-- Lily Tomlin
Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.-- Alfred Kinsey
"The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to be insane in such a useful way that they can't commit you."-- Mark Edwards
Punctuation is important. There is a world of semantic difference between "Damn straight." and "Damn, straight."
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it - even if I have said it - unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.-- Buddha
"There are very few personal problems that cannot be resolved by application of suitable quantities of duct tape."
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.-- Alfred Adler
A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.-- Elbert Hubbard