143 hits
Join the army: meet interesting people, then kill them.
You ain't inebriated if you can still spell it.
Destinesia: The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
Acceptance Testing, n: An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
Majority, n: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice
Any sufficiently optimistic statement is indistinguishable from sarcasm.
"To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation."-- St. Augustine
Procrastination will rule one day, OK?
Yes, yes, sensitive, acoustic, multicultural rhythms, sensitive, yoga, tantric sex, sensitive.
Shut up and sing some old Police stuff again.-- Nat Lanza (on Sting)
A sufficiently optimistic statement is indistinguishable from social sycophancy.
Microsoft: Re-inventing the square wheel.
"Me, getting smart with you? How would you know?"
He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that.-- John Stuart Mill
The secret of happiness is not getting what you want but wanting what you get.
Headline: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Emacs is a good operating system, but I prefer Unix.
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered with me long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.-- Nick DeCamp
"I find imperfection the most interesting thing about a person"-- Jodi Foster
Headline: Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
First Law of Dieting:
Sex has negative calories.
Headline: Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
War on common sense - I think we actually won that one...
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
I'm an apatheist. The question is no longer interesting, and the answer no longer matters.-- petro (a.s.r)
"We're not exploiting women. We're exploiting middle-aged men with credit cards." (on porn)
A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
"The only interesting answers are those which destroy the questions."-- Susan Sontag
"Somebody should clip Sting around the head and tell him to stop using that ridiculous Jamaican accent."-- Elvis Costello
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.-- Rich Kulawiec
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.-- Solomon Short
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.-- Andy Finkel
Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.
"Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?"-- Virginia Woolf
What is the nature of God? His nature is entirely dependent upon the age or culture that has reinvented him.-- Solomon Skink
Baby-sitter, n: A teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
"God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier."-- Bumper sticker
It wouldn't matter a jot if Christina Aguilera claimed she loved Garbage. I'd still think she was a horrid little squirt.-- Shirley Manson
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, haberdashers don't haberdash, hammers don't ham, and humdingers don't humding.-- Richard Lederer (Crazy English)
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Writing a Haiku
in seventeen syllables
is very diffic-
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.-- Arthur C. Clarke
I revel some but not nearly enough to get up on stage. In fact, the amount of drunken revelry required to get me on stage in a karaoke bar would probably also send me into a coma.-- Joe Lavin
"Every man has his follies, and often they are the most interesting thing he has got."-- Josh Billings
Ad: Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Perpetual motion, illustrated: Try putting a slinky on an escalator.
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?"-- Bumper sticker
Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
'The whole world loves a lover' is an interesting theory, but a very bad legal defense.-- Keith Sullivan
"I don't mind you coming here and wasting all my time, 'cause when you're standing oh so near, I kinda lose my mind."-- The Cars
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.-- Augustine
I'm tired of being this pristine little socially acceptable monstrosity
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
TP's 3rd Law: Any sufficiently advanced philosophical discourse is indistinguishable from bullshit.
-- TitanPoint
"I love writing but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, 'You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, *giftless*. I'm not your agent and I'm not your mommy, I'm a white piece of paper, you wanna dance with me?'"-- Aaron Sorkin
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
"In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from."-- Peter Alexander Ustinov
Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand gay guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"-- John Stewart
"If angst were a popsicle, I'd be suckin' the stick."
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture"-- Bumper sticker
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
There must be more to life than sitting there wondering if there is more to life.
"If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd everytime, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side."-- Orson Scott Card
"Life at the top is financially rewarding, spiritually draining, physically exhausting, and short."-- Peter C. Newman
"The west won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact, non-westerners never do."-- Samuel P. Huntington
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.-- Tom Lehrer
Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.-- G. M. Trevelyan
This is one of those episodes which makes you want to call up the screenwriter and ask to see their slash. `Cause you know they write it.-- Rhipodon Society
Murphy's Seventh Law of Computing:
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
"Be kinder than necessary 'cause everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
Practical or mean and sneaky? - getting a permanent heart tatoo on your arm and getting three-day temporary tatoos for the names.
"Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after."-- Anne Lindbergh
"The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience."
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.-- Edsger Dijkstra
People are always so boring when they band together. You have to be alone to develop all the idiosyncrasies that make a person interesting.-- Andy Warhol
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?-- Kelvin Throop III
"What makes resisting temptation difficult, for many people, is that they don't want to discourage it completely."-- Franklin P. Jones
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.-- Paul Biron
It says a lot about the US when they ban lawn darts but you can still buy semi-automatic weapons in a department store.-- Brian Manz
We suffer primarily not from our vices or our weaknesses, but from our illusions. We are haunted, not by reality, but by those images we have put in place of reality.-- Daniel J. Boorstin
Bozone, n: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
Maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be. The door always must be left unlocked.
America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top.
Dracula: I am Count Dracula!
Yakko: Didn't you use to teach math on Sesame Street? (Animaniacs)
I'm sick of tattoos, sick of piercings, sick of temporary tattoos. They are the white stilettos of the '90s.-- Shirley Manson
Murphy's First Law of Computing:
Whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.-- Carl Sagan
Ah, twitter, where people will be deeply outraged for one to six hours, before forgetting forever.
"If I have any more caffeine, I'm going to end up running down the hallway naked." (Someone on Slashdot)
Seeing is forgetting the name of that which one sees.-- Paul Valery
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it."-- Stephen Butler Leacock
Music is the science of manipulating emotion through sound.-- Angus Gray
Is there no accounting for taste? There isn't even a budget for it.-- Sean Levy
Decafalon, n.: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers.-- Dr. Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters.)
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.-- Justin Richardson
The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me.-- Sloan Wilson
Poetry is the mixture of common sense, which not all have, with an uncommon sense, which very few have.-- John Masefield
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.-- Woody Allen
Then who's been going through my garbage?
-- Andrew Solovay
Usually we call it "reading your postings"; your terminology is so much more succinct, though.-- Roger Klorese
This is a work of fiction. All the characters in it, human and otherwise, are imaginary, excepting only certain of the fairy folk, whom it might be unwise to offend by casting doubts on their existence. Or lack thereof.-- Neil Gaiman ("The Books of Magic")
The public seems incapable of distinguishing between your garden variety idiot and your genuine lunatic. It is the same confusion the public has had over the last five Presidents.-- Mark Leeper
"I sound like a fruitcake sitting here saying all this shit."-- Trent Reznor
Punctuation is important. There is a world of semantic difference between "Damn straight." and "Damn, straight."
Murphy's Eleventh Law of Computing:
A computer program will follow your orders, but rarely your intentions.
A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.-- Gloria Leonard
"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."-- Richard Nixon
"It stands for 'Sales and Marketing', you depraved monkeys."
"A rose by any other name, Stef."
(userfriendly.org)
"It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."
If common sense was so common then everyone would have it.-- Steve Giammarco
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed a cat. (Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London)
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.-- Mark Twain
Choconiverous, adj: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
To my opinion, most modern poetry is written because people do not want to stand up and fight for what they are writing about.
Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope.-- Arnold Glasgow