631 hits
"I don't mind you coming here and wasting all my time, 'cause when you're standing oh so near, I kinda lose my mind."-- The Cars
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
"Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex."-- Oscar Wilde
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
I want to die like my grandfather, peaceful and in my sleep - not screaming like the other people in the car.
"Must... defy... laws... of... physics!"-- The Tick
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
Television: the bland leading the bland.
The more we disagree, the bigger the chance that at least one of us is right.
The principle difference between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives.
In the beginning was the word, and the word was "aardvark".
"It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution."-- Oscar Wilde
Renning's Maxim: Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
The chance of a lifetime is to be yourself.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat."-- Mark Twain
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
We think in language, therefore the quality of our thoughts can only ever be as good as the quality of our language.-- George Carlin
"All the people stared as if we were both quite insane."-- The Hollies
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
Of all the truths in the world, humor is the most satisfying and often the healthiest.
If there is no such thing as justice then the best we can hope for is revenge
"Remember the Golden Rule: Those who have the gold make the rules."
The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality.
I like the kind of people that can hold on to the the feeling they have after the song or movie ends.
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.-- Gandhi
The sooner you start to code, the longer the program will take.-- Roy Carlson
"The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are."-- Mark Twain
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do."-- Dale Carnegie
Law of diminishing IQ:
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them."-- Mark Twain
"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."-- Oscar Wilde
Half of the people in the world are below average.
There are three sorts of despots. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the body. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the soul. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the soul and body alike. The first is called the Prince. The second is called the Pope. The third is called the People.-- Oscar Wilde
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."-- Oscar Wilde
2, 3, 3, 37 - the prime factorization of the beast.
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
"The first 80% of software development is the easy part. The hard part is the next 80%"
Monday is the root of all evil.
America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top.
The law should make men free. The problem is making the law free.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
"Making the simple complicated is easy. Making the complicated simple is brilliant."
There are two ways spreading the light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.-- Edith Wharton
Even if you're paranoid, maybe the guy with the chainsaw really is after you.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.-- Oscar Wilde
Those who speak by the yard and think by the inch should be kicked by the foot.
And the pickles frolicked with the waffles, joyously.
"Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much."
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.-- Steven Wright
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Lecture, n: Where the notes of the professor become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either one.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.
"Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life's problems."-- Homer Simpson
Ass, n: The masculine of "lass".
Join the army: meet interesting people, then kill them.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
I'd love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
After 16 years, MTV has finally completed its de-evolution into the shiny things network.-- The Onion
"I'm not mad at the world... just at all the people in it."
Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress.
There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.-- Oscar Wilde
Funny. All the wireless people seem to be the marionettes.
"Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well."
Beware the fury of a patient woman.
Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known.
-- Oscar Wilde
The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.-- The Register
Eat a live toad in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly."-- Arnold Edinborough
Gina: "Isn't it customary for the suspect to leave the scene of the crime?"
Debra: "Definitely an amateur" (Empire Records)
The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray.-- Oscar Wilde
The music is the magic carpet that the other things take naps on.-- Tori Amos
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.-- Oscar Wilde
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.-- H. L. Mencken
Accuracy, n: The vice of being right.
"Hey, Aeryn's gorgeous--she can change any guy's tune. She can also change 'im from tenor to soprano, but that's beside the point."-- Grace
Is not that the nature of men and women--that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
"I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs... because they have the most to hide. The guys that are in the most pain are usually the ones with the biggest hearts."-- Tori Amos
Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you find the real tinsel underneath.-- Oscar Levant
We accept the love we think we deserve
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.-- The Anarchist Cookbook
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
Domestication is the enemy of romance.
Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter.-- Oscar Wilde
Proof by omission: The reader may easily supply the details. The other 253 cases are analogous.
Government of the people
By a corrupt subset of the people
For the people who can afford the corrupt subset of the people.
-- Chris Newport
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how can actions speak louder than words?
As the cheetah said to the chameleon:
You can hide, but you can't run!-- Alan Williams
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved; the pig was committed.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
Talk to your kids about sex. Tell them just how absolutely incredible it really is. (The Covert Comic)
"Shouldn't we be carefully placing these comics in plastic bags?"
"No, we have lives." (MST3K)
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.-- Goethe
Thinking: The talking of the soul with itself.-- Plato
Just as the whole is more than the sum of parts, the forest more than the tree and birds, so is mankind greater than the wanking of its nerds on slashdot.org.
"News" is just the stuff they use to fill up all the empty space they couldn't sell for advertising.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
"One good turn gets most of the blankets"
WARNING:
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
PMS, n: the short period of time when women act like men do all the time.
TCP_UP - The 16-bit TCP Urgent Pointer, encoded as the hex representation of the value of the field. The hex string MUST be capitalized since it is urgent. (RFC 3093)
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
"Confronted with the choice, the American people would choose the policeman's truncheon over the anarchist's bomb.-- Spiro T. Agnew
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.-- Franz Kafka
He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that.-- John Stuart Mill
A winning formula can be obliterated simply by the change to an ingorant new manager.
The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
QUOTE OF THE DAY: `
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.-- Groucho Marx
Please do not duck the next time the clue-by-four swings your way.-- Ben Browning
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.-- Mike Adams
"Geologists know how to make the bedrock."
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
All esoteric teachings seek to apprehend the unseen happenings in the psyche, and all claim supreme authority for themselves.-- Carl Jung
Microsoft: Re-inventing the square wheel.
"The thing that I'm into is the philosophy of the music. I love the surprise of things, the accidents--just the sound of a word, to try to express them in the best way, so that the emotion is totally revealed."-- Beth Gibbons
"Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away."-- Goethe
"Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived."-- Oscar Wilde
He who laughs last found the dirty meaning.
I get my kicks above the .sigline, Sunshine
In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.-- Carl Sagan
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. (Ladies' Home Journal)
In a church bulletin: The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Everything has been thought of before, but the problem is to think of it again.-- Goethe
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."-- Goethe
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."-- Carl Gustav Jung
If the pen is mightier than the sword, what happens when you run out of ink?
Those who do not remember history are doomed to sound silly.-- Carole Ashmore
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
"To describe the beating of Egg Whites is almost as cheeky as advising how to lead a happy life."-- The Joy of Cooking
we make happen the stuff we fear will happen
I once talked a guy out of blowing up the Sears tower, but I can't talk my wife out of the bathroom or my daughter off the phone. (The Negotiator)
I think it's a beautiful day to go to the zoo and feed the ducks.
To the lions.-- Brian Kantor (the SDM)
Aftermath, n: The period following algebra.
The rich aren't like us, they pay less taxes.
It is a good thing to in your mind be able to seperate the artist from the art.
Advisor: The guy who told you how to screw up.
Idle hands are the air guitar's playground (Alas)
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.-- Mark Twain
Choconiverous, adj: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. But you know most of them didn't get the joke in the first place, the lying weasels.-- Wade Kwon
The guests giggled, and floated down to the bottom of the garden to inspect the herbaceous borders, and snatch a quick snog before the crudities.-- Stephen Foster
"Everything is convention, including law. When it is not the thought that led to the convention, but just the records of the convention that define morals, structural ethics are too dependant, and likely doomed."
"Well, to be fair I did have a couple of gadgets he probably didn't, like a teaspoon and an open mind."-- The Doctor
If the mind were exercised as much as the mouth, we would be a race of geniuses.
"The Camden Aquarium, in defense of sharks, has a placard stating that the most lethal wild animal in the US is deer. (Their mode of attack is to stand in your headlights, and then launch their dead or crippled bodies through the windscreen into your lap)."
The value of the Constitution depends on the good will of government itself. If the Supreme Court rules that the Bill of Rights should not interfere with the important business of government (which they have done on at least two occasions), then the Constitution is meaningless.-- John Kormylo
"I'm the Queen of the nerds. I love nerds- by which I mean, not a cool, bitchin' person. I guess I was a cool nerd. I wasn't shuffling my feet in the corner of the playground, I was the homecoming queen, but then, all the nerds voted for me."-- Tori Amos
"Man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road."-- Alexander Smith
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
Because these moments, as precious as they are, they're evil when they're gone.
If it wasn't for the optimist the pessimist would never know how happy he isn't.
Life is like a dog-sled team; If you ain't the lead dog, the scene never changes.
We shame outselves for the sake of simplicity.
"Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought"-- Basho
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?-- Marilyn Pittman
In a church bulletin: This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
"I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much of course - the computer industry didn't even foresee that the century was going to end."-- Douglas Adams
Be the person you needed when you were younger.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.-- Oscar Wilde
Pedestrian, n: The variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Now art should never try to be popular. The public should try to make itself artistic.-- Oscar Wilde
Men are like parking spaces: the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around?-- Dr. Who
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
"One of the CIA's few endearing traits is its penchant for making headlines. It is the world's most fully headlined secret agency."
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."-- Mark Twain
The Pet Principle:
No matter which side of the door your dog or cat is on, it is the wrong side.
Kisses are like tears. The only ones that are real are the ones you can't hold back.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it."-- Doug Larson
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
"They say necessity is the mother of invention. And when the necessity is survival, she can be one mean mother. Of course, it's her child, invention, who's the real dangerous one."-- Darien Fawkes (The Invisible Man)
Who cares whether the glass is half full or half empty? Shouldn't the question be who's been drinking out of my glass?
Make the most of yourself, because that's all the self you are going to get, buster.
"If I have any more caffeine, I'm going to end up running down the hallway naked." (Someone on Slashdot)
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."-- Drew Carey
"If you weren't Cindy Crawford, you didn`t get to ride in the little cart. I saw them take her off on a little cart, and I thought, 'I'm in the wrong profession!'"-- Tori Amos (Chicago Tribune, October 8, 1992)
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.-- Oscar Wilde
"If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd everytime, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side."-- Orson Scott Card
It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men.-- Mae West
Democracy is the form of government where everyone gets what the majority deserves.
Stenderup's law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
Guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual.
pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source
I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'.-- Carl Shipley
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.-- Goethe
Be careful of the closeness of the signs lunch and lesbian. If you sign, "I'm hungry, let's eat lesbians", you should be sure that's what you meant.-- Steve Eastman
The moment you think you understand a great work of art, it's dead for you.-- Oscar Wilde
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
"Sometimes the need to mess with their heads outweighs the millstone of humiliation."-- Fox Mulder (The X-Files)
Adultery - two wrong people doing the right thing.
Three Accounts for the Super-users in the sky,
Seven for the Operators in their halls of fame,
Nine for Ordinary Users doomed to crie,
One for the Illegal Cracker with his evil game
In the Domains of Internet where the data lie.
One Account to rule them all, One Account to watch them,
One Account to make them all and in the network bind them
In the Domains of Internet where the data lie.
Don’t speak unless you can improve on the silence.
Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.
The applied mathematician can find the solution to any difficulty, whilst the pure mathematician can find the difficulty to any solution.
At the beginning and at the end of love, the two lovers are embarrassed to find themselves alone.-- La Bruyere
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture"-- Bumper sticker
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.-- Harry S. Truman
Whoever said women don't like porn just isn't talking to the right women. Or showing them the right porn.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.-- Oscar Wilde
If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh.
And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords.-- Alan Watts
"I don't know who Jim Henson is but I've heard he has his hand in a lot of things around here."-- Kermit the Frog (in 1972)
"They are wrong who say that love is blind. On the contrary, nothing - not even the smallest detail - escapes the eyes; one sees everything in the loved one, notices everything; but melts it all into one flame with the great and simple: �I love you.�"
Study the past, if you would divine the future.-- Confucius
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
A dark past creates a long path back to the surface.
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
"Bother," said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh."
You see, the conditional modifers depend on certain variables like the day of the week, the number of players, chair positions, things like that. [...] There can't be more than a dozen or two that are pertinent.-- Robert Asprin ("Little Myth Marker")
"A child does not have to be taught how to be happy or the ways of love. It is fear, hatred, & prejudice that have to be taught. And from the condition of the world we can see that unfortunately there are some very good teachers."-- Javan
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.-- Cohen's Law
Alimony: the fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
Dante Hicks: Theoretically, people see money on the counter, and no one around, they think they're being watched.
Veronica: Honesty through paranoia. (Clerks)
"Conviction is a luxury for those on the sidelines."
"Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the mind is never new, fresh, innocent."
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.
"And the heat goes on... where the hand has been."-- Byrne/Eno
The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us are going to the stars.-- Robert A. Heinlein
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.-- Oscar Wilde
"If angst were a popsicle, I'd be suckin' the stick."
"When the people fear their government there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."-- Thomas Jefferson
Sir: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andrew: One does not know, Sir. Possibly a predator was behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other side of the road if it was a male chicken; possibly a food source, or, depending on the season, it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
Sir: To get to the other side.
Andrew: "To get to the other side." Ah. Why is that funny? (Bicentennial Man)
Eiffel Tower: The Empire State Building after taxes.
"If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war. Lots of accidents, maybe."
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
Nobody's creepy from the inside, Hazel. Some of them are sad, and some of them hurt, and some of them think they're the only real thing in the whole world. But they're not creepy.-- Neil Gaiman
Adventure: The land between entertainment and panic.
"Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim."-- Bertrand Russell
Pedaeration, n: Achieving the perfect body heat by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Erotica is stuff that's meant to be read with one hand.-- Carl Manz
The more things change, the more they stay insane.-- Tom Weller
"People aren’t against you; they are for themselves."
Music soothes the savage beast. ...unless it's polka.
The BeOS takes the best features from the major operating systems. It's got the power and flexibility of Unix, the interface and ease of use of the MacOS, and Minesweeper from Windows.-- Tyler Riti
And so, the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn't that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people.-- Terry Pratchett (Night Watch)
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his or her option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
The future ain't what it used to be.
"All modes of government are failures. Despotism is unjust to everybody, including the despot, who was probably made for better things. Oligarchies are unjust to the many, and ochlocracies [government by the masses] are unjust to the few. High hopes were once formed of democracy; but democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the people."-- Oscar Wilde
"I wanted to make a little spot in the context of the record where there was this break in the action. In the midst of this buildup of these ever-growing, terrible machines, I just wanted to remember that there is somewhere... else."-- Trent Reznor
"The computer world is like a great big toy store. But all the toys are broken."-- Steve Witham
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.-- Oscar Wilde
Come, let us retract the foreskin of misconception and apply the wire brush of enlightenment.
"Do not bend the spoon, instead realize the truth."
"The truth?"
"That the spoon effect will be added later by some sort of SGI workstation."
See my big frustration here is that my main squeeze has turned out to be a Late Blooming Nerd, and is in the habit of (in the midst of cuddling) saying sweet things like "you think if I disable the caching it would work?"-- Ro Reid
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"-- Dave Barry
The guns and the bombs, the rockets and the warships, are all symbols of human failure.-- Lyndon B Johnson
If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.-- Kelvin Throop
"The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad."-- Friedrick Nietzsche
Do unto others before they undo you.
"Love makes you do the wacky"-- Willow
Never underestimate the falseness of a generalisation.
He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke.
"The biggest disease today isn't leprosy or tuberculosis, but the feeling of being unwanted."-- Mother Theresa
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."-- Oscar Wilde
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.-- Brian Kernighan
The course of true love never did run smooth.-- Shakespeare
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.-- Henry Kissinger
First Law of Dieting:
Sex has negative calories.
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.-- E. B. White
Adolescence, n: The stage between puberty and adultery.
It is possible to believe that all the past is but the beginning of a beginning, and that all that is and has been is but the twilight of the dawn. It is possible to believe that all the human mind has ever accomplished is but the dream before the awakening.-- H.G. Wells
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
In order to become the master the politician poses as the servant.-- Charles De Gaulle
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
The business of the mind is first and foremost the pure joy of knowing and comprehending, the pure joy of consciousness.-- Anais Nin
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
"I like to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say 'get a life' on them"
"To call war the soil of courage and virtue is like calling debauchery the soil of love."-- George Santayana
"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
"To stimulate creativity, one must develop the childlike inclination for play and the childlike desire for recognition."-- Albert Einstein
It's a joke. Like the funny kind, but different.
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.-- Carl Sagan
The revolution will NOT be televised.
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while Nature cures the disease.-- Voltaire
What is a saint? A saint is someone who has achieved a remote human possibility. It is impossible to say what that possibility is. I think it has something to do with the energy of love. Contact with this energy results in the exercise of a kind of balance in the chaos of existence. A saint does not dissolve the chaos; if he did the world would have changed long ago. I do not think that a saint dissolves the chaos even for himself, for there is something arrogant and warlike in the notion of a man setting the universe in order. It is a kind of balance that is his glory. He rides the drifts like an escaped ski. His course is the caress of the hill. His track is a drawing of the snow in a moment of its particular arrangement with wind and rock. Something in him so loves the world that he gives himself to the laws of gravity and chance. Far from flying with the angels, he traces with the fidelity of a seismograph needle the state of the solid bloody landscape. His house is dangerous and finite, but he is at home in the world. He can love the shape of human beings, the fine and twisted shapes of the heart. It is good to have among us such men, such balancing monsters of love.-- Leonard Cohen (Beautiful Losers (1966))
Destinesia: The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.-- Anais Nin
The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.-- Dr. Carl Sagan
The truth is not decided by democracy.
Answer the phone naked. Callers will hear it in your voice.
"I wish I could drink like a lady
I can take one or two at the most.
Three and I'm under the table --
Four and I'm under the host!"
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
"The imposition of stigma is the commonest form of violence used in democratic societies."-- R. A. Pinker
"My work always tried to unite the true with the beautiful; but when I had to choose one or the other, I usually chose the beautiful."-- Hermann Weyl
"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy."
All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.-- Carl Sagan
Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and are always bothering us to do something for them.-- Oscar Wilde
"Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable."-- Henry Louis Mencken
"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street."
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.-- Oscar Wilde
"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."-- Mark Twain
Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend--or a meaningful day.-- The Dalai Lama ("Time," 11 April 1988)
"In all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other" (Contact)
The problem isn't that the victim can't fight, the problem is that they have to. Saying that self-defense classes are the answer to gay bashers is like saying that it would be good if the government stopped prosecuting rape cases and used the money saved to hand out free mace.-- Richard Caley
Politics is storytelling. We just pick the one we like best.
"In corporate religions as in others, the heretic must be cast out not because of the probability that he is wrong but because of the possibility that he is right."-- Antony Jay
The beasts of the field and fowls of the air did know Ridcully the Brown. They'd got so good at pattern-recognition that, for a radius of about twenty miles around the Ridcully estates, they'd run, hide or in desperate cases attack violently at the mere sight of a pointy hat.-- Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)
"The country has charms only for those not obliged to stay there."-- Edouard Manet
Nowadays, originality is the art of concealing your source.
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
It is dangerous to let the public behind the scenes. They are easily disillusioned and then they are angry with you, for it was the illusion they loved.-- W. Somerset Maugham
Given the pace of technology, I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. (Calvin & Hobbes)
"Doing what we please is not freedom, is not liberty; rather, it is the abuse of true liberty and freedom."-- Cardinal Hayes
"The most merciful thing in the world...is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."-- H.P. Lovecraft
"Martyrdom has always been a proof of the intensity, never of the correctness of a belief."-- Arthur Schnitzler
Five-step methods are the surest sign of an uninspired plan.
"I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now."
"The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."-- Theodore Rubin
The goodness of morals depends upon what the morals say, not just the fact that they are morals.-- Rob Bernardo
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
Is there anything safer than TV-style seriousness--i.e., delivering the conventional wisdom as if it were the deeply important truth?-- Pauline Kael
Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
"The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things — bad language and whatever — it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition," "There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed.-- George Carlin
Lunatic Asylum, n: The place where optimism most flourishes.
Never run from anything immortal. It only attracts their attention. (The Last Unicorn)
"The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream: it is a most depressing and humiliating reality."-- Oscar Wilde
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
X.400 is the mail system of the future, and I hope it stays that way.-- Erik Fair
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."-- Herbert Hoover
I find "Yes, you _can_ do it that way, but the rest of the Internet community will point at you and giggle", followed by my walking out in a flurry of RFCs, tends to be quite effective-- Tanuki the Raccoon-Dog (a.s.r.)
Decafalon, n.: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
We can only see a short distance ahead, but we can see plenty there that needs to be done.-- Alan Turing
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.-- Samuel Beckett
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.-- Albert Einstein
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.-- Paul Beatty
It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.
One can overstate anything. Your advertising depends on it.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
More to be feared than ignorance is the pretense of knowledge.
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?-- Paul Simon
"We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles."-- Mark Twain
"Naturally the common people don't want war; neither in Russia, nor in England, nor in America, nor in Germany. That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."-- Hermann Goering (at the Nuremberg Trials, April 18, 1946)
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.-- Dorothy Parker
The way some people find fault, you'd think there was a reward.
Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.
The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
Do you know the difference between involvement and commitment? Think of ham and eggs. The chicken is involved. The pig is committed.-- Martina Navratilova
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.-- Woody Allen
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.-- E. B. White
"It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand."-- Mark Twain
Common sense: The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.-- Albert Einstein
"Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them."
The Feynman Problem Solving Algorithm:
1. Write down the problem.
2. Think very hard.
3. Write down the answer.
If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.-- Scott Fahlman
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.-- Dr. Who ("Face of Evil")
"The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."-- Ben Franklin
All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume.-- Noam Chomsky
Interpretation is the revenge of the intellect upon art.-- Susan Sontag
"If houses were built the way software is built,
the first woodpecker would bring down civilization."
"Question Authority. They usually know where the bathroom is."-- Daria
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.-- Aldous Huxley
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.-- Carol Leifer
did you know that in McDonaldland, you can get a license to hamburgle? It's true, the Hamburgler actually pays Grimace the purple guy for the same hamburgers he burgles, just for the opportunity to steal them for sport. He's neither a criminal nor an anarchist, he's a sycophant to the clown plutocracy.-- puddle (#xkcd)
We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.-- Albert Einstein
The difference between theory and practice is greater in practice than it is in theory.
Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in.-- Amy Lowell
"Mosquitoes have caused more deaths than all the wars. Guppies devour mosquito larvae so may be the best defense against them...We budget billions for military systems. Preposterous! Spend it on guppies!" (letter to the editor, Eugene newspaper)
Oh yeah? You wanna step out of the giant robot and say that again?
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have trained for years and years can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
There are of course many problems connected with life, of which some of the most popular are `Why are people born?', `Why do they die?', `Why do they spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?' (The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
The reward for a job well done is more work.
"The bigger the information media, the less courage and freedom they allow. Bigness means weakness."-- Eric Sevareid
�...Because the establishment never gets it. That�s how it is with paradigm shift. The establishment does not see where the next wave is coming from. And even if they hire someone to tell them where the next wave is coming from, they never believe them.�-- Ted Nelson
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.-- H. L. Mencken
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Sometimes you have more perspective than the situation, sometimes the situation has more perspective than you.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
"Evangelists say Halloween is the devil's holiday. What a lame-ass devil! Sitting down in the depths of hell, going, 'I've got control of the major corporations, churning out weapons and toxic waste, but how can I get candy? Let me think--I'll get the children of the world to dress up as hobos and Power Rangers--and then I'll have all the bite-size Three Musketeers I need! Buhahaha!'"
"That's the trouble with women these days. They act like men and want to be treated like women" (An American in Paris)
"Pity the educated cynics who refuse to enjoy the fun, choosing instead to remain faithful to their numb anguish. Mourn for the humorless devotees who refuse to join in the juicy unpredictable game so that they might feed their spiritual greed, pretzeled up motionless on prayer mats with the torment of grave meditations. Have compassion for the imagination-dead heroes who cling so tightly to the masks they've forged for themselves that they're dead to the delight of molting."-- Rob Brezsny
You're probably the sort who would have Dorothy arrested for throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West.-- Eric Holeman
Never underestimate the human capacity for cognitive dissonance.
I do not like the man: he has all of the virtues I detest and none of the vices I admire.-- Winston Churchill
Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.-- Aldous Huxley
Lost: gray and white female cat. Answers to electric can opener.
You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.-- Mary Pickford
All New: The software is not compatible with any previous version.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
People must think I'm a mushroom. They constantly keep me in the dark and feed me bullshit.
"The main differences between a computer salesman and a used car salesman is that the used car salesman can probably drive and knows when he's lying."-- Peter da Silva
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
"Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin."-- Tori Amos
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.-- George Bernard Shaw
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.-- Edward Flaherty
"Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us without words?"
Science is the belief that we don't need belief to know most things.
"Being a graduate student is like becoming all of the Seven Dwarves. In the beginning you're Dopey and Bashful. In the middle, you are usually sick (Sneezy), tired (Sleepy), and irritable (Grumpy). But at the end, they call you Doc, and then you're Happy."
They don't make nostalgia like they used to.
Our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more.-- Oscar Wilde
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."-- Robert Frost
"Talents are best nurtured in solitude; character is best formed in the stormy billows of the world."-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Bathquake, n: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."-- Richard Harkness
What is wanted is not the will to believe but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite.-- Bertrand Russell
The fact that I know I'm often a fool, but that I also have an IQ a fair bit over a hundred, scares me. What fools the rest of the world must be.
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.-- Augustine
If you're not part of the freaks, you're part of the boredom.-- Perry Farrell
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.
"The fickleness of the women whom I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me."-- George Bernard Shaw
"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
I'm an apatheist. The question is no longer interesting, and the answer no longer matters.-- petro (a.s.r)
"To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."-- Theodore Roosevelt
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
"Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock."-- New York Times
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.-- Benjamin Dana
Cashtration, n.: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Belief is that which explains that we cannot reason. Therefore it is almost impossible to change someone's belief.
...postmodernity, once the plaything of smarty-pants French guys, in truth belongs to the engagingly stupid. (Newsweek)
I speak without reservation from what I know and who I am. I do so with the understanding that all people should have the right to offer their voice to the chorus whether the result is harmony or dissonance, the worldsong is a colorless dirge without the differences that distinguish us, and it is that difference which should be celebrated, not condemned.-- Ani Difranco
"America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up."-- Oscar Wilde
Only when the last tree has died, and the last river been poisoned, and the last fish been caught, will we realize that we cannot eat money.-- 19th Century Cree Indian
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. (Steel Magnolias)
Occam's eraser: The philosophical principle that even the simplest solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
As long as the general population is passive, apathetic, diverted to consumerism or hatred of the vulnerable, then the powerful can do as they please, and those who survive will be left to contemplate the outcome.-- Noam Chomsky
The skin of civilization is only 7 meals thick
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot in the universe- So what the hell, leap.
The world that we have made as a result of the level of thinking that we have done so far, has created problems we cannot solve at the level of thinking at which we created them.-- Albert Einstein
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
T.S. Quint: She calls you callow in here.
Brodie Bruce: You say that like it's bad.
T.S. Quint: Well, it means frightened and week-willed.
Brodie Bruce: Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary. (Mallrats)
"The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it."-- P. B. Medawar
You don't have to flaunt technical ability in order to benefit from it. If you have the capability to play a million notes, and then you play only three notes, that lends an amazing profundity to the three notes you did choose.-- Robert Fripp (paraphrased)
As I stare into the abyss of the toilet bowl I try hard to rememeber the reason why I felt the desperate need to mix vodka and red wine with whiskey and tequila.-- Shirley Manson
"Microsoft is not the problem. Microsoft is the symptom."-- Eric S. Raymond
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.-- Alfred Adler
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own.
Maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be. The door always must be left unlocked.
Sometimes before bed, I look in the mirror and wonder just what I'll be doing in ten years. Then I look at the clock and think, 'Probably flossing.'-- April Van Scherpe
The more sane often call themselves insane to avoid others' judgement.
"The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."-- Samuel Johnson
On the sexes:
Brains times Beauty times Availability = Constant.
Brought to you by the people who made "out of context" a household word.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.-- Wernher von Braun
In business, your judged by what you say... nothing can kill the confidence of a perspective client faster then a proposal littered with grammatical, usage or punctuation errors. (Ad for RightWriter, The Grammar Checker)
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. A theologian is the one who finds it.
For an instant I think I saw. I saw the loneliness of man as a gigantic wave which had been frozen in front of me, held back by the invisible wall of a metaphor.-- Carlos Casteneda
A little knowledge may be a dangerous thing, but a little carnal knowledge rules.-- Wade Kwon
Indifference is the key when dealing with a narcissistic megalomaniac.
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.-- Ed Howe
The unique operations of the (human) brain are the result of natural selection operating through the filter of culture. They have suspended us between the two antipodal ideals of nature and machine, forest and city, the natural and the artifactual, relentlessly seeking, in the words of geographer Yi-Fu Tuan, an equilibrium not of this world.-- Edward O. Wilson ("Biophilia")
Insecurity is comparing our behind the scenes to others highlight reel.
"Here's a horrible thought: You know how dumb the average person is? Well, half the human race is even dumber than that..."
"The whole art of teaching is only the art of awakening the natural curiosity of young minds for the purpose of satisfying it afterwards."-- Anatole France
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.-- Steven Wright
C++, the language in which only friends can access your private members.
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.-- Henry David Thoreau
98% of us Americans are hard-working people. It's the other 2% that give us a bad reputation. Then again, we did elect them.
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight.-- Mark Twain
He was just... well, like a lot of madmen. Somewhat accurate view of the problem, really insane view of the solution. (Kid Radd)
Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
"God, so atrocious in the Old Testament, so attractive in the New--the Jekyll and Hyde of sacred romance."-- Mark Twain
Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.-- Alan Keightley
"You ever hear of the Spartans, Lewis? Ancient Greece...traditional enemies of the Athenians? They were a warrior society. I'll try to make it simple for you...they were Klingon." (The Rhipodon Society)
"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."
"The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to be insane in such a useful way that they can't commit you."-- Mark Edwards
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.-- Jules Renord
"She who has the biggest sword gets to be the biggest bitch."-- Kymberli Morris
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.-- Douglas Adams
"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists ... in the loved one, perfection."-- Sidney Poitier
Humanity has in the course of time had to endure from the hands of science two great outrages upon its naive self-love. The first was when it realized that our earth was not the center of the universe, but only a speck in a world-system of a magnitude hardly conceivable... The second was when biological research robbed man of his particular privilege of having been specially created, and relegated him to a descent from the animal world.-- Sigmund Freud
"I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over."-- Oscar Wilde (The Importance of Being Earnest)
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.-- H. L. Mencken
"The savage bows down to idols of wood and stone: the civilized man to idols of flesh and blood."-- George Bernard Shaw
Love thine enemies... it really pisses them off.
I once listed all the good things I did over the past year, and then turned them into resolution form and backdated them. That was a good feeling.-- Robert Fulghum
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.-- Abraham Lincoln
When you dig straight down, you won't reach the other end of the earth. There's a couple of reasons:
-You will drown in the water.
-If you brought scuba gear, you will burn because the center of the earth is too hot.
-If you even thought of that and brought a portable black hole� with you, you'll become disoriented, partly due to gravity, and start digging in circles.
"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will."-- Jawaharal Nehru
"As long as the music's loud enough, we won't hear the world falling apart."-- Derek Jarman
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.-- Mark Twain
Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
God must love assholes--she made so many of them.
Lactomangulation - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
Democracy according to the NRA: Firearms are necessary to protect individual liberties; most of all the right to own firearms.
"The greatest happiness of life it the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."-- Victor Hugo
Conservative: a man who believes nothing should be done for the first time.
"The Hindenburg crash had 62 survivors and 35 fatalities. Of the 35 deaths, 27 resulting from jumping from the airship. Many of the remaining 8 deaths resulted from burns and injuries due to the ensuing diesel fuel fire."-- Dan Egnor
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."-- Carl Jung
This is a work of fiction. All the characters in it, human and otherwise, are imaginary, excepting only certain of the fairy folk, whom it might be unwise to offend by casting doubts on their existence. Or lack thereof.-- Neil Gaiman ("The Books of Magic")
Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.-- Oscar Wilde
Genies rarely have nightmares, for the same reason that elephants don't usually worry about being trampled underfoot. With the possible exception of bottles, there's nothing in the cosmos large enough or malicious enough to frighten them, or stupid enough to try.-- Tom Holt ("Djinn Rummy")
Why do people settle their minds? When they see or while they know that about 3 billion other people don't agree with them, why do they hardly consider a serious talk with one of them?
On emulating hormones and long-range neurotransmitters:
"If your job is delivering packages and all the packages are very small and your boss doesn't care who you give them to as long as it's on the correct continent and you have until the next ice age to get the work done, then you don't have a very difficult profession. I see no reason why simulating that anachronism would present the slightest difficulty."-- John K. Clark
Law of Hydrodynamics: When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
The older I get, the more I think you ever learn is either further subtleties, or further distractions.
"Most people do not watch TV because they want to watch TV. They watch TV to relieve themselves of the burden of finding something actually enjoyable to do."
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." (Correction Notice in the Ely Standard)
"I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers."-- Kahlil Gibran
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.-- Robert Cringely ("InfoWorld")
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, your're overdoing it.-- J. Jenkins
Civil disobedience is not our problem. Our problem is civil obedience. Our problem is that numbers of people all over the world have obeyed the dictates of the leaders of their government and have gone to war, and millions have been killed because of this obedience... Our problem is that people are obedient all over the world in the face of poverty and starvation and stupidity, and war, and cruelty. Our problem is that people are obedient while the jails are full of petty thieves, and all the while the grand thieves are running the country. That's our problem.-- Howard Zinn
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.-- Edsger Dijkstra
Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.-- Mark Van Doren
"So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?"-- Ayn Rand
In the past, men created witches; now they create mental patients.-- Tom Szasz
"Dreams are the answers to questions that we haven't yet figured out how to ask."-- Fox Mulder (The X Files)
"In no sense do I advocate evading or defying the law ... That would lead to anarchy. An individual who breaks a law that his conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law."-- Martin Luther King
"The I.S.O. standard unit of female pulchritude is the milli-Helen. This is the amount of beauty capable of causing the launching of a single ship."-- Terry Pratchett
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.-- Bill Bulko
355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
The default Magic Word, Abracadabra, actually is a corruption of the Hebrew phrase ha-Bracha dab'ra which means "pronounce the blessing".
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.-- Oscar Wilde
Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.-- Morticia Adams
Do not go gentle into that good night... Rage, rage against the dying of the light.-- Dylan Thomas
"Make lots of money", "enjoy the work", "operate within the law": choose 2-- Brian Anderson
"...the only place for 63,000 bugs is a rain forest"
"The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone."-- Henrik Ibsen
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
"I don't need to be told how to do my job."
"I hope not, because it's by ass on the line and I'm up to my neck in it." (The Thin Blue Line)
In the end, man is not entirely guilty — he did not start history. Nor is he wholly innocent — he continues it.-- Albert Camus
Words skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere.-- Amy Tan
There must be more to life than sitting there wondering if there is more to life.
Listen to the Mustn'ts, child.
Listen to the Don'ts.
Listen to the Shouldn'ts,
The Impossibles, the Won'ts.
Listen to the Never haves,
Then listen close to me--
Anything can happen, child
Anything can be.-- Shel Silverstein
"The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender."-- Emil Ludwig
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."-- Oscar Wilde
Religion often gets credit for curing rascals when old age is the real medicine.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
The truth knocks on the door and you say, "Go away, I'm looking for the truth," and so it goes away. Puzzling.-- Robert Pirsig
"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."-- Neil Kinnock
"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."
-- Josh Billings
[A] thing is symmetrical if there is something we can do to it so that after we have done it, it looks the same as it did before.-- Richard Feynman
We may begin to see reality differently simply because the computer ... provides a different angle on reality.-- Heinz Pagels
"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a politician, even if you can't hear the tree or the screams, I'll bet you'd at least hear the applause.-- Paul Tindale
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.-- Dolph Sharp ("I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot")
The intensity comes from meaning, not from extremes.
Most children grow up to be adults in spite of their parents, not because of them.
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice, have no money.
The nice, semi-handsome men with money think we are only after their money.
The men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice, and have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, have some money, and are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in us when we make the first move.
Auntie Em--Hate you. Hate Kansas. Taking the dog.-- Dorothy
"The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so that they will believe they are as clever as he."-- Karl Kraus
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.-- Robert Frost
"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."