80 hits
"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."-- Walter Bagehot
He was as shy as a newspaper is when referring to its own merits.
Oh, soddit, blackmail is too much like work.-- Roger BW
He said "It's all in your head", and I said "So's everything" but he didn't get it /
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy.-- Fiona Apple (Paper Bag)
All your base pairs are belong to us
Teacher's First Law of Grading Lab Papers: If an experiment has perfect results, the student has cheated.
"God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier."-- Bumper sticker
Seattle reminds me a lot of London, where people will drink 12 beers but they never act drunk. Which makes you wonder what the point is of drinking 12 beers, if you're not going to put the lampshade on your head. You're killing your liver and still having no fun.-- Peter Bagge
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?"-- Bumper sticker
Ad from newspaper:
'Dinner Special--Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.'
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture"-- Bumper sticker
Thy sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.-- Steven Wright
Accordion, n: A bagpipe with pleats.
"Paper has a genius for multiplication that cannot be equalled anywhere else in nature."-- Hugh Keenleyside
Scientists find wonder in everything, except extremely dull papers on quality assurance.
-- Telo (#xkcd)
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's 'St. Matthew Passion' on a ukelele.
"We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person, perfectly."
If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why practice?
"I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for, with a newspaper column, is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit."-- Dave Barry
If you're not part of the freaks, you're part of the boredom.-- Perry Farrell
Aftermath, n: The period following algebra.
"One person can trigger a million thoughts."
Be the person you needed when you were younger.
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave.-- Henry Peter Brougham
"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away."-- Barry Goldwater
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
"Well, let's just say, 'if your VCR is still blinking 12:00,you don't want Linux'".-- Bruce Perens
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.-- Lucille S. Harper
Secret, n: Something you tell to one person at a time.
"Not a Morning Person" doesn't even begin to cover it.
"Love is not the dying note of a twisted violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring."-- S.J. Perelman
I'm not a perfectionist. That would be a character flaw.
Many topics summarily dismissed as "idiocy" here have been brought up on a regular basis for far too long by a seemingly endless succession of half-wits who think their feculant pearls of wisdom are somehow new, and deserving of a carefully crafted response.-- Bob Lodenkamper
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." (Correction Notice in the Ely Standard)
Politicians should be changed frequently, like diapers - and for much the same reason.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
"Virtue has never been as respectable as money."-- Mark Twain
NASA doesn't have any live weapons; we can only drop management paperwork on those who peeve us--but with a B-52 we can drop a lot of it!-- Mary Shafer
"Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the eyes with a big rubber basketball shoe."-- Hunter S. Thompson
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Many times one is asked to "listen" to the same dusty old set of lies, factual errors, hate and stupidity that some fool thinks is an acceptable ethical system. Why bother? Believe me, it gets old real fast.-- Bob Lodenkamper
Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
"He'd never realized that, deep down inside, what he really wanted to do was make things go splat."-- Terry Pratchett (Reaper Man)
"Whoever ceases to be a student has never been a student."-- George Iles
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
PMS, n: the short period of time when women act like men do all the time.
Ignoranus, n: A person who is not only ignorant, but an asshole to boot.
Patageometry, n: The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants.
It's okay. Life doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be lived. (Dexter)
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt
Fuck like you're being filmed
Sometimes you have more perspective than the situation, sometimes the situation has more perspective than you.
"I always say it was great for God to send his only son, but I'm waiting for him to send his only daughter. Then things will be really great."-- Candace Pert
Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Clique: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses. (Cynic's Dictionary)
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.-- Rod Serling
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.-- Erica Jong
Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but we want a different one.-- Ivern Ball
"Mosquitoes have caused more deaths than all the wars. Guppies devour mosquito larvae so may be the best defense against them...We budget billions for military systems. Preposterous! Spend it on guppies!" (letter to the editor, Eugene newspaper)
"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."-- Jasper Carrott
"I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now."
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.-- Jon Ribbens
"They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck."
Choconiverous, adj: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.-- K (MiB)