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  "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.
  "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
  "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
  "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy."
-- Harvard Lampoon ("Bored of the Rings")
Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo!
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
-- Deteriorata (from the National Lampoon Radio Dinner album)
There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
-- Richard Le Gallienne
Ask a man which way he is going to vote and he will probably tell you. Ask him however why and vagueness is all.
-- Bernard Levin
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, haberdashers don't haberdash, hammers don't ham, and humdingers don't humding.
-- Richard Lederer (Crazy English)
"Solutions are not the answer."
-- Richard Nixon
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
-- Edward Abbey
Real love stories never have endings.
-- Richard Bach
Nobody ever forgets where he buried a hatchet.
-- Kin Hubbard
"Age is a high price to pay for maturity."
-- Tom Stoppard
All good work is done in defiance of management.
-- Bob Woodward
"It is better to be quotable than to be honest."
-- Tom Stoppard
Personally, I'm waiting for caller IQ.
-- Sandra Bernhard
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts — for support rather than illumination.
-- Andrew Lang
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
-- Kin Hubbard
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
-- Kin Hubbard
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.
-- Tom Stoppard
TP's 3rd Law: Any sufficiently advanced philosophical discourse is indistinguishable from bullshit.

-- TitanPoint
I love you enough to nauseate several poets.
-- Sheridyn Woodward
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
-- Leonard Brandwein
A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.
-- Elbert Hubbard
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
-- Gloria Leonard
Some people get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.
-- Kin Hubbard
"All great truths begin as blasphemies."
-- George Bernard Shaw
A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.
-- Kin Hubbard
You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think.
-- Elbert Hubbard
"The country has charms only for those not obliged to stay there."
-- Edouard Manet
There are only two industries that refer to their customers as 'users.'
-- Edward Tufte
"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."
-- Richard Nixon
"What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?"
-- Richard Nixon