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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
-- Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.
-- Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
-- Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
-- Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
-- Woody Allen (Without Feathers, 1976)

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
-- Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
-- Woody Allen ("Without Feathers")

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Fred Allen

"I became insane, with long instances of horrible sanity."
-- Edgar Allen Poe

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
-- Fred Allen

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
-- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
-- H. Allen Smith

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.
-- H. Allen Smith ("Let the Crabgrass Grow")

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
-- Edgar Allen Poe