263 hits
After 16 years, MTV has finally completed its de-evolution into the shiny things network.-- The Onion
The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
Kisses are like tears. The only ones that are real are the ones you can't hold back.
"...the only place for 63,000 bugs is a rain forest"
Politics is storytelling. We just pick the one we like best.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
"Must... defy... laws... of... physics!"-- The Tick
In the beginning was the word, and the word was "aardvark".
Television: the bland leading the bland.
pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source
Don’t speak unless you can improve on the silence.
Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
"Conviction is a luxury for those on the sidelines."
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
"All the people stared as if we were both quite insane."-- The Hollies
"In all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other" (Contact)
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
Of all the truths in the world, humor is the most satisfying and often the healthiest.
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. (Steel Magnolias)
Proof by omission: The reader may easily supply the details. The other 253 cases are analogous.
"Remember the Golden Rule: Those who have the gold make the rules."
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I like the kind of people that can hold on to the the feeling they have after the song or movie ends.
"I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs... because they have the most to hide. The guys that are in the most pain are usually the ones with the biggest hearts."-- Tori Amos
The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Law of diminishing IQ:
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
If it wasn't for the optimist the pessimist would never know how happy he isn't.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
2, 3, 3, 37 - the prime factorization of the beast.
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
"The first 80% of software development is the easy part. The hard part is the next 80%"
America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The law should make men free. The problem is making the law free.
Monday is the root of all evil.
Those who speak by the yard and think by the inch should be kicked by the foot.
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. A theologian is the one who finds it.
Lecture, n: Where the notes of the professor become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either one.
And the pickles frolicked with the waffles, joyously.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.-- Mae West.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.
The music is the magic carpet that the other things take naps on.-- Tori Amos
Join the army: meet interesting people, then kill them.
I'd love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
Ass, n: The masculine of "lass".
"The way I play is a bit torturous but... it's the only way I know how to play."-- Tori Amos
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight.-- Mark Twain
"I'm not mad at the world... just at all the people in it."
Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.-- Steven Wright
Funny. All the wireless people seem to be the marionettes.
There are three sorts of despots. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the body. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the soul. There is the despot who tyrannizes over the soul and body alike. The first is called the Prince. The second is called the Pope. The third is called the People.-- Oscar Wilde
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.-- Bill Bulko
"My work always tried to unite the true with the beautiful; but when I had to choose one or the other, I usually chose the beautiful."-- Hermann Weyl
Nobody's creepy from the inside, Hazel. Some of them are sad, and some of them hurt, and some of them think they're the only real thing in the whole world. But they're not creepy.-- Neil Gaiman
"The only interesting answers are those which destroy the questions."-- Susan Sontag
Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.-- The Register
"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."-- Neil Kinnock
Beware the fury of a patient woman.
Eat a live toad in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
The more we disagree, the bigger the chance that at least one of us is right.
"If you're one in a million, there are ten of you in New York."
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, chances are you're the one.
"A sense of humor is the only thing that keeps intelligent people from hanging themselves."-- Voltaire
Is not that the nature of men and women--that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.-- The Anarchist Cookbook
Accuracy, n: The vice of being right.
The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.-- Tommy Smothers
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.-- Fred Allen
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them."-- Mark Twain
A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune.
The fewer clear facts you have in support of an opinion, the stronger your emotional attachment to that opinion.
There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.-- Oscar Wilde
We accept the love we think we deserve
"The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to be insane in such a useful way that they can't commit you."-- Mark Edwards
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
"We are at times too ready to believe that the present is the only possible state of things."-- Marcel Proust
"The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are."-- Mark Twain
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
I want to die like my grandfather, peaceful and in my sleep - not screaming like the other people in the car.
"Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived."-- Oscar Wilde
There's a nut loose on your keyboard.
Domestication is the enemy of romance.
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how can actions speak louder than words?
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
Just as the whole is more than the sum of parts, the forest more than the tree and birds, so is mankind greater than the wanking of its nerds on slashdot.org.
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
The only good strategy is one that no one else understands.-- Tracy Kidder
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.-- Goethe
Thinking: The talking of the soul with itself.-- Plato
"I wish I could drink like a lady
I can take one or two at the most.
Three and I'm under the table --
Four and I'm under the host!"
"News" is just the stuff they use to fill up all the empty space they couldn't sell for advertising.
Manners are one of the truly lost causes.-- John Simon
Cigarette, n: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco inbetween.
Procrastination will rule one day, OK?
Renning's Maxim: Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
TCP_UP - The 16-bit TCP Urgent Pointer, encoded as the hex representation of the value of the field. The hex string MUST be capitalized since it is urgent. (RFC 3093)
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
"One good turn gets most of the blankets"
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume.-- Noam Chomsky
PMS, n: the short period of time when women act like men do all the time.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.-- Franz Kafka
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.-- Groucho Marx
The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.-- Alfred Kinsey
The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
"The thing that I'm into is the philosophy of the music. I love the surprise of things, the accidents--just the sound of a word, to try to express them in the best way, so that the emotion is totally revealed."-- Beth Gibbons
QUOTE OF THE DAY: `
The older I get, the more I think you ever learn is either further subtleties, or further distractions.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.-- H. L. Mencken
"Geologists know how to make the bedrock."
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
"Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away."-- Goethe
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."-- Goethe
"To describe the beating of Egg Whites is almost as cheeky as advising how to lead a happy life."-- The Joy of Cooking
Everything has been thought of before, but the problem is to think of it again.-- Goethe
Microsoft: Re-inventing the square wheel.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.-- Steven Wright
If the pen is mightier than the sword, what happens when you run out of ink?
He who laughs last found the dirty meaning.
I get my kicks above the .sigline, Sunshine
Three Accounts for the Super-users in the sky,
Seven for the Operators in their halls of fame,
Nine for Ordinary Users doomed to crie,
One for the Illegal Cracker with his evil game
In the Domains of Internet where the data lie.
One Account to rule them all, One Account to watch them,
One Account to make them all and in the network bind them
In the Domains of Internet where the data lie.
I once talked a guy out of blowing up the Sears tower, but I can't talk my wife out of the bathroom or my daughter off the phone. (The Negotiator)
If there is no such thing as justice then the best we can hope for is revenge
I think it's a beautiful day to go to the zoo and feed the ducks.
To the lions.-- Brian Kantor (the SDM)
we make happen the stuff we fear will happen
98% of us Americans are hard-working people. It's the other 2% that give us a bad reputation. Then again, we did elect them.
It is a good thing to in your mind be able to seperate the artist from the art.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. But you know most of them didn't get the joke in the first place, the lying weasels.-- Wade Kwon
Aftermath, n: The period following algebra.
The rich aren't like us, they pay less taxes.
The question is not so much whether there is life on Mars as whether it will continue to be possible to live on Earth.
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.-- Gandhi
"Well, to be fair I did have a couple of gadgets he probably didn't, like a teaspoon and an open mind."-- The Doctor
Advisor: The guy who told you how to screw up.
Idle hands are the air guitar's playground (Alas)
If the mind were exercised as much as the mouth, we would be a race of geniuses.
"Man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road."-- Alexander Smith
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.-- Dr. Who ("Face of Evil")
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
Because these moments, as precious as they are, they're evil when they're gone.
"Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought"-- Basho
Life is like a dog-sled team; If you ain't the lead dog, the scene never changes.
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
We shame outselves for the sake of simplicity.
"I don't mind you coming here and wasting all my time, 'cause when you're standing oh so near, I kinda lose my mind."-- The Cars
The singing wasn't particularly good. The only word the singer appeared to know was "la," but she was making it work hard.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
Pedestrian, n: The variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.
Be the person you needed when you were younger.
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."-- Mark Twain
"God, so atrocious in the Old Testament, so attractive in the New--the Jekyll and Hyde of sacred romance."-- Mark Twain
Men are like parking spaces: the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
The Pet Principle:
No matter which side of the door your dog or cat is on, it is the wrong side.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had my life to live again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.-- Tallulah Bankhead
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."-- Robert Frost
"If I want your opinion, I will give it to you."
"If I have any more caffeine, I'm going to end up running down the hallway naked." (Someone on Slashdot)
Make the most of yourself, because that's all the self you are going to get, buster.
"Public opinion sets bounds to every government, and is the real sovereign in every free one."-- James Madison
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.-- Augustine
Sir: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andrew: One does not know, Sir. Possibly a predator was behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other side of the road if it was a male chicken; possibly a food source, or, depending on the season, it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
Sir: To get to the other side.
Andrew: "To get to the other side." Ah. Why is that funny? (Bicentennial Man)
It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men.-- Mae West
Democracy is the form of government where everyone gets what the majority deserves.
The value of the Constitution depends on the good will of government itself. If the Supreme Court rules that the Bill of Rights should not interfere with the important business of government (which they have done on at least two occasions), then the Constitution is meaningless.-- John Kormylo
Stenderup's law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
"Sometimes the need to mess with their heads outweighs the millstone of humiliation."-- Fox Mulder (The X-Files)
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.-- Goethe
Guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
The applied mathematician can find the solution to any difficulty, whilst the pure mathematician can find the difficulty to any solution.
At the beginning and at the end of love, the two lovers are embarrassed to find themselves alone.-- La Bruyere
Government of the people
By a corrupt subset of the people
For the people who can afford the corrupt subset of the people.
-- Chris Newport
"Making the simple complicated is easy. Making the complicated simple is brilliant."
Adultery - two wrong people doing the right thing.
Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.
Whoever said women don't like porn just isn't talking to the right women. Or showing them the right porn.
And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords.-- Alan Watts
"I don't know who Jim Henson is but I've heard he has his hand in a lot of things around here."-- Kermit the Frog (in 1972)
Even if you're paranoid, maybe the guy with the chainsaw really is after you.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.-- Wernher von Braun
If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.-- Will Rogers
Study the past, if you would divine the future.-- Confucius
WARNING:
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
"The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums."-- Peter De Vries
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.-- Cohen's Law
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
Gina: "Isn't it customary for the suspect to leave the scene of the crime?"
Debra: "Definitely an amateur" (Empire Records)
A dark past creates a long path back to the surface.
"Bother," said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh."
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.-- George Bernard Shaw
Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.-- Horace Walpole
"Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the mind is never new, fresh, innocent."
Alimony: the fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
"Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you." (Cheers)
"When the people fear their government there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."-- Thomas Jefferson
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he would spend two years campaigning and organizing for it should not be trusted with the office.
The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us are going to the stars.-- Robert A. Heinlein
"And the heat goes on... where the hand has been."-- Byrne/Eno
The sooner you start to code, the longer the program will take.-- Roy Carlson
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.-- H. L. Mencken
"If angst were a popsicle, I'd be suckin' the stick."
"If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war. Lots of accidents, maybe."
Eiffel Tower: The Empire State Building after taxes.
Pedaeration, n: Achieving the perfect body heat by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
The BeOS takes the best features from the major operating systems. It's got the power and flexibility of Unix, the interface and ease of use of the MacOS, and Minesweeper from Windows.-- Tyler Riti
Pulling together is the aim of despotism and tyranny. Free men pull in all kinds of directions. It's the only way to make progress.-- Havelock Vetinari
The more things change, the more they stay insane.-- Tom Weller
Adventure: The land between entertainment and panic.
As long as the general population is passive, apathetic, diverted to consumerism or hatred of the vulnerable, then the powerful can do as they please, and those who survive will be left to contemplate the outcome.-- Noam Chomsky
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
"Some people have a large circle of friends while others have only friends that they like."
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his or her option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
"People aren’t against you; they are for themselves."
Music soothes the savage beast. ...unless it's polka.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."-- Isaac Asimov
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole.
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"-- Dave Barry