Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.-- Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?-- Steven Wright
Thy sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.-- Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.-- Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.-- Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.-- Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.-- Steven Wright
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.-- Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.-- Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.-- Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.-- Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?-- Steven Wright
No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.-- Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire...-- Steven Wright
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.-- Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."-- Steven Wright
I usually shoot for that threshold of coffee strength that's just *short* of the coffee achieving sentience.-- Gretchen Wright