randomsearchproposestats
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"The computer world is like a great big toy store. But all the toys are broken."
-- Steve Witham
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
-- Steve Wozniak
Accordion, n: A bagpipe with pleats.
If common sense was so common then everyone would have it.
-- Steve Giammarco
"The first thing to remember about Unix is that nothing is ever spelled correctly."
-- Steve Lidie
When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
-- Steve Haflich (alt.lang.design)
...people with a moebius strip of a mind...
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
Today was a really, really great day, on the "aaagh fuck me!" scale.
-- Steve VanDevender
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
-- Steven Wright
Computer Science without FORTRAN and COBOL is like birthday cake without ketchup and mustard.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
-- Steven Wright
"A child prodigy is one with highly imaginative parents."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
-- Steven Wright
If god dropped acid, would he see people?
-- Steven Wright
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-- Steven Wright
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire...
-- Steven Wright
A man without God is like a fish without a skateboard.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
-- Steven Wright
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.
-- Confucius
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright
Honk if you've slept with Riker.
You can't spell evil without vi.
Thy sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
-- Steven Wright
All New: The software is not compatible with any previous version.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-- Steven Wright
Terror: A female Klingon with PMS.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
-- Steven Wright
"Every man is afraid of something.That`s how you know he`s in love with you;when he is afraid of losing you"
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
-- Steven Wright
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
-- Adlai Stevenson
"You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how."
(Gone With the Wind)
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-- Steven Wright
Friendship is Love without its wings. (l'Amiti� est l'amour sans ailes.)
-- Lord Byron
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
-- Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-- Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright
No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
-- Steven Wright
Cat, n: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
Be careful of the closeness of the signs lunch and lesbian. If you sign, "I'm hungry, let's eat lesbians", you should be sure that's what you meant.
-- Steve Eastman
While humans are very flexible creatures, we're born with a number of powerful instincts, which are found across all cultures. Chief amongst these are a dislike of snakes, a fear of falling, and a hatred of popup windows.

-- Steve Taylor
Argue not with Dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with cheese.
"Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance."
-- Sam Brown
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
-- Adlai Stevenson
Sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"Do no activate with wet hands"
You can tell how far we have to go when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.
-- Steven Feiner
Love will find a way. Indifference will find an excuse.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
A day without a pun is a day without sunshine; there is gloom for improvement.
Ah! don't say that you agree with me. When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong.
-- Oscar Wilde
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Homer Simpson
I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive.

She thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed.
-- Jonathan Colan
"Me, getting smart with you? How would you know?"
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.