43 hits
Every human being is capable of everything, no matter how exalted or depraved. Without twenty years of diligent domestication, it is in our nature to commit genocide, infanticide, and canabillism. And drink beer and howl at the moon.-- Donna Barr ("Desert Peach: the Good Uncle")
"There is a fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'."-- Dave Barry
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
"When ET left, he told Drew Barrymore to be good. Boy, is he gonna be surprised when he comes back."-- Paul Rocci
"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away."-- Barry Goldwater
"Jacob Sullum has produced a thoughtful, sane, and logical analysis of our drug laws. Is that even legal?"-- Dave Barry
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it.
Accordion, n: A bagpipe with pleats.
I am two fools, I know, For loving, and for saying so in whining poetry.-- John Donne
"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth."-- Dave Barry
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.-- Dave Barry
Those who say they 'sleep like a baby' haven't got one.
"Don't apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem."
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training.-- Anna Freud
One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lipgrafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips; people will then be literally kissing your ass.-- Dave Barry
"There are many silly superstitions about lightning, and as a result many people - maybe even you - are terrified of it. You shouldn't worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky, anytime, anywhere, and kill you."-- Dave Barry
"Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work."-- Clive Barker
Maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but you're not gonna stop me from having fun.-- Ani Difranco
"I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for, with a newspaper column, is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit."-- Dave Barry
Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you’re not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something’s wrong.-- Jenna
Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated -- and a little drunk.-- Alben W. Barkley
Murphy's Seventh Law of Computing:
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"-- Dave Barry
"When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question: Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?"-- Lindsay Acord
Oh yeah? You wanna step out of the giant robot and say that again?
Falling in Love
When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a good idea to check with your doctor.
-- Dave Barry
Excellence is the trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.-- Dave Barry ("In Search of Excellence")
"I want a chocolate bar infused with nicotine that's got a creamy coffee center... And wrap it in porn." (TheWax.com)
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.-- Steven Wright
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
"Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States."-- J. Bartlett Brebner
A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
"I've always wanted to be Brigitte Bardot."-- Bob Dylan
98% of us Americans are hard-working people. It's the other 2% that give us a bad reputation. Then again, we did elect them.