41 hits
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."-- Bob Ettinger
"Me, getting smart with you? How would you know?"
Destinesia: The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
You don't have to think too hard while talking to teachers.-- J.D. Salinger
The secret of happiness is not getting what you want but wanting what you get.
Practical or mean and sneaky? - getting a permanent heart tatoo on your arm and getting three-day temporary tatoos for the names.
"Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds are dimmed."-- R.S. Ingersoll
Maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be. The door always must be left unlocked.
Seeing is forgetting the name of that which one sees.-- Paul Valery
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.-- Henry Kissinger
Ah, twitter, where people will be deeply outraged for one to six hours, before forgetting forever.
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
Decafalon, n.: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.-- Woody Allen
Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression.-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
"A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are."-- Victor Lownes
Our hope of immortality does not come from any religions, but nearly all religions come from that hope.-- Robert Green Ingersoll
Perpetual motion, illustrated: Try putting a slinky on an escalator.
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer `yes' without having asked any clear question.-- Albert Camus
There must be more to life than sitting there wondering if there is more to life.
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, haberdashers don't haberdash, hammers don't ham, and humdingers don't humding.-- Richard Lederer (Crazy English)
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A: A deep C diva.
Yakko: So we should go?
Picasso: Oui, oui.
Yakko: Pardon?
Picasso: Oui, oui.
Yakko: The stuff they're getting away with on kid's shows these days... (Animaniacs)
"I've always wanted to be Brigitte Bardot."-- Bob Dylan
"I sound like a fruitcake sitting here saying all this shit."-- Trent Reznor
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your middle finger and tell someone to "bite me!"
"To live outside the law you must be honest."-- Bob Dylan
The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered with me long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.-- Nick DeCamp
If god meant for us to program, he's a sadist.-- Rob Earhart
"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth."-- Dave Barry
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.-- Mark Twain
"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it."-- Doug Larson
"It is a besetting vice of democracies to substitute public opinion for law. This is the usual form in which masses of men exhibit their tyranny."-- James Fenimore Cooper
All good work is done in defiance of management.-- Bob Woodward