31 hits
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."-- Bob Ettinger
"Me, getting smart with you? How would you know?"
Destinesia: The act of entering a room and forgetting why.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
The secret of happiness is not getting what you want but wanting what you get.
Practical or mean and sneaky? - getting a permanent heart tatoo on your arm and getting three-day temporary tatoos for the names.
You don't have to think too hard while talking to teachers.-- J.D. Salinger
Maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be. The door always must be left unlocked.
Ah, twitter, where people will be deeply outraged for one to six hours, before forgetting forever.
Seeing is forgetting the name of that which one sees.-- Paul Valery
Decafalon, n.: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
"Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds are dimmed."-- R.S. Ingersoll
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.-- Woody Allen
Most religions do not make men better, only warier.-- Elias Canetti
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.-- Henry Kissinger
"A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are."-- Victor Lownes
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."-- Mario Andretti
Perpetual motion, illustrated: Try putting a slinky on an escalator.
You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer `yes' without having asked any clear question.-- Albert Camus
Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression.-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
Our hope of immortality does not come from any religions, but nearly all religions come from that hope.-- Robert Green Ingersoll
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
There must be more to life than sitting there wondering if there is more to life.
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, haberdashers don't haberdash, hammers don't ham, and humdingers don't humding.-- Richard Lederer (Crazy English)
Yakko: So we should go?
Picasso: Oui, oui.
Yakko: Pardon?
Picasso: Oui, oui.
Yakko: The stuff they're getting away with on kid's shows these days... (Animaniacs)
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A: A deep C diva.