130 hits
Words skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere.-- Amy Tan
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.-- Andy Tanenbaum
My karma ran over my dogma.
Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.-- Betty Talmadge
"How many of you ever started dating somene because you were too lazy to commit suicide?"-- Judy Tenuta
Never try to lick a glacier.
Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in.-- Amy Lowell
Shikata ga nai.
The UNIX system has a command, 'nice', which allows a user to voluntarily reduce the priority of his process, in order to be nice to other users. Nobody ever uses it.-- Andy Tanenbaum
"Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers."
Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.
On the sexes:
Brains times Beauty times Availability = Constant.
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
Those who speak by the yard and think by the inch should be kicked by the foot.
Don't intterupt me when I'm talking to myself
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.-- Lily Tomlin
I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.-- Lily Tomlin
"I don't mind you coming here and wasting all my time, 'cause when you're standing oh so near, I kinda lose my mind."-- The Cars
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.-- Lily Tomlin
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Donkey: a horse designed by a study team.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.-- Oscar Wilde
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?-- Lily Tomlin
The acceptable response to homosexuality is not "It's OK, it's not your choice," or, even, "It's OK, it is your choice," but rather, "So?"-- Amy Gorin
Why serial commas are important: "I dedicate this book to my parents, Ayn Rand and God."
"Science has made gods of us before we were even worthy of being men."-- Jean Rostand
Economics exists merely to employ economists.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had my life to live again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.-- Tallulah Bankhead
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.-- Lily Tomlin
I have no problem dealing with reality, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.-- Lily Tomlin
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I get my kicks above the .sigline, Sunshine
Life is a sexually transmitted, fatal disease...
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.-- Rita Mae Brown
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
You wouldn't know a good time if it stripped naked, hopped on your face, and started wiggling!-- C. Stanley
Catapult: device for throwing cats long distances.
Practical or mean and sneaky? - getting a permanent heart tatoo on your arm and getting three-day temporary tatoos for the names.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Those who say they 'sleep like a baby' haven't got one.
BOMB SQUAD.
If I'm running, try to keep up. (T-Shirt)
I find "Yes, you _can_ do it that way, but the rest of the Internet community will point at you and giggle", followed by my walking out in a flurry of RFCs, tends to be quite effective-- Tanuki the Raccoon-Dog (a.s.r.)
It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men.-- Mae West
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics. (As it is statistically much more likely to get struck by lightning than win the lottery)
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
"Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it." (Calvin & Hobbes)
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke.
The best way to accelerate hardware is at 9.8 m/sec/sec.
I once talked a guy out of blowing up the Sears tower, but I can't talk my wife out of the bathroom or my daughter off the phone. (The Negotiator)
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.-- Lily Tomlin
"Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it."
Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
I try to make computers say things like "You have 60 seconds to achieve safe distance".-- Terry Pratchett
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
What's the matter, darling? Don't you recognize me with my clothes on?-- Tallulah Bankhead
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand.
TP's 3rd Law: Any sufficiently advanced philosophical discourse is indistinguishable from bullshit.
-- TitanPoint
Acceptance Testing, n: An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
"My work is much richer than my life."-- Tori Amos
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. (Steel Magnolias)
Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.
Those who don't know, talk. Those who don't talk, know.
"I'll take Fucking Clues for $200."
What part of "AWW C'MON, PLEASE??" don't you understand? (T-Shirt)
Oh yeah? You wanna step out of the giant robot and say that again?
To my opinion, most modern poetry is written because people do not want to stand up and fight for what they are writing about.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.-- Wakko (Animaniacs)
Majority, n: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
We can only see a short distance ahead, but we can see plenty there that needs to be done.-- Alan Turing
I'm totally unfreaked about any kind of bodily function. My band are with it too; they'll carry my tampons round in their pockets if I don't have a bag-- Shirley Manson
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.-- Roger Noe
At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.-- Mark Twain
"And the thing is, I like my evil like I like my men--evil. You know, straight up, black hat, 'Tied to the train tracks, soon my electro-ray will destroy metropolis' bad."-- Buffy (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.-- Steven Wright
Domestication is the enemy of romance.
Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time. (A coffee cup)
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."-- Gilda Radner
"I want a chocolate bar infused with nicotine that's got a creamy coffee center... And wrap it in porn." (TheWax.com)
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
"The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority."-- Stanley Milgram
"When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever."
Brought to you by the people who made "out of context" a household word.
The sun is like breasts - risky to look at unless you've got sunglasses.
I want to die like my grandfather, peaceful and in my sleep - not screaming like the other people in the car.
"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it."
Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.-- Holly (Red Dwarf II, Queeg)
Descartes described how his father taught him how to swim by throwing him into the Seine: "I sink, therefore I swam."
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.-- Alfred Adler
Cat: Ethereal music wreathed in mystery.
The longer I live, the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
One of the problems with learning that many teachers fail to see is that until you really understand something, any argument made out of that understanding context tends to be pretty useless.
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
"God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier."-- Bumper sticker
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains arouse me.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
The rich aren't like us, they pay less taxes.
My body is a temple. Virgin sacrifices at 11.
Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but so would an 80 pound carrot.
Accountant - someone who can put two and two together and make a living from it.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.-- Albert Einstein
"And really, what's so important that it can't wait until after noon, anyway?"
Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
"Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of."
feet and stones may break my bones, but metrics are more comprehensive
When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.-- Albert Einstein
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.