147 hits
Hindsight is an exact science.
A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
"Most people do not watch TV because they want to watch TV. They watch TV to relieve themselves of the burden of finding something actually enjoyable to do."
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.-- Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.-- Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?-- Steven Wright
Thy sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.-- Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.-- Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.-- Steven Wright
And so, the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn't that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people.-- Terry Pratchett (Night Watch)
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.-- Steven Wright
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.-- Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.-- Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?-- Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.-- Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.-- Steven Wright
No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.-- Steven Wright
And Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
Whoever said women don't like porn just isn't talking to the right women. Or showing them the right porn.
Watching these guys trying to be wireheads is like watching old people fuck-- Mike Belt
Adultery - two wrong people doing the right thing.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."-- Mark Twain
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire...-- Steven Wright
An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.-- Albert Camus
Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost.
"The [Kate] Bush comparisons are inevitable, but there is an edge, an unpredictability, to Amos that is not apparent in Bush. Tori Amos is what Kate Bush would become if the latter were under a full moon."-- Stephen Knight (JAM! Showbiz)
"Well... no," he admitted wryly, "we drank all the beer, taught the kittens to Cha-Cha, watched Baywatch Nights and then you passed out."
"We WHAT?"
"We drank all the beer..."
"No, no, not that." Xander looked horrified. "We watched Baywatch Nights? That's it. That's really it! I'm never drinking again!" (Xander has kittens, Spurglie)
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines-- Frank Lloyd Wright
Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.-- Steven Wright
I usually shoot for that threshold of coffee strength that's just *short* of the coffee achieving sentience.-- Gretchen Wright
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
You go right on thinking that. Don't let reality stop you.-- dpm
Lust comes at first sight, love comes after staring at the same person for elongated periods of time.-- lj user slvrstarlight
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.-- Ogden Nash
Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.-- Terry Pratchett
"The more I watch television, the more I wonder why I'm not already supreme ruler of Earth."-- Dogbert (Dilbert)
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it is fun trying.
Insecurity is comparing our behind the scenes to others highlight reel.
That your decision was right doesn't in any way mean your reasons were.
For most mothers, day care is a problem. I'm looking for night care, too.-- Cathy Crimmins
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.-- Hannah Arendt
"I'll fight for you, but I will not compete for you... There's a difference."
Little Johnny was a scientist.
Little Johnny is no more.
For what he thought was H2O
was H2SO4.
"There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it." (Niven's Law #16)
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull a sled through the snow.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
"Are you queer? Maybe just for tonight? 20 minutes? You don't have to be conscious."
"They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck."
First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
(After watching the movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey)
Isaac Asimov : "HAL's breaking First Law! He's breaking First Law!"
Carl Sagan : "So, strike them with lightning, Isaac."
Dante Hicks: Theoretically, people see money on the counter, and no one around, they think they're being watched.
Veronica: Honesty through paranoia. (Clerks)
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."-- William Dement
Last night you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me.
...do it again.-- Morticia Addams
Bozone, n: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
To my opinion, most modern poetry is written because people do not want to stand up and fight for what they are writing about.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.-- Franz Kafka
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."-- Steven Wright
"Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night."-- Andy Warhol
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.-- Emo Phillips
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.
"If you ever have a free moment, you might consider checking out the travel brochures for the town in which you live. You might be amazed. You might not want to live there anymore."-- Douglas Coupland
"It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."-- Fred Adler
"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth."-- Dave Barry
"The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."-- Ben Franklin
Do not go gentle into that good night... Rage, rage against the dying of the light.-- Dylan Thomas
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.-- Alfred Adler
"Self-improvement is a dangerous form of vanity."-- Alan Watts
Morality is doing what's right regardless of what you're told.
Obedience is doing what you're told regardless of what is right.
Reason, v.i: To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.-- Ambrose Bierce
Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at. This determines not only the relations of men to women, but the relation of women to themselves.-- John Berger
I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.-- Voltaire
T.S. Quint: She calls you callow in here.
Brodie Bruce: You say that like it's bad.
T.S. Quint: Well, it means frightened and week-willed.
Brodie Bruce: Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary. (Mallrats)
Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.-- Will Rogers
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.-- Jack Handey
Spirtle, n: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.-- Aristotle
The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.-- Tommy Smothers
Democracy according to the NRA: Firearms are necessary to protect individual liberties; most of all the right to own firearms.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.-- Kierkegaard
From the 'Rules for women':
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
I've decided, I'm going to feed every little addiction and silently go mad 'cause right now my writing sucks.-- Zaffel
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'-- Dave George
Accuracy, n: The vice of being right.
"Forget all those health clinics and gyms. Sex is the best cure for everything, especially stress. If I have a good night of sex, all my problems are gone by 10 o' clock in the morning."-- Grace Jones
"Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we'."-- Mark Twain
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.-- Anais Nin
The poor little wooden boy could only sit helplessly and watch while the old puppet maker, his father, whom he had just told how a nice fairy had turned him into a living boy, worked on a life-sized puppet of a young woman with big hooters.
"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."-- Kierkegaard
A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.-- Frank Varano
A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon or three normal sized billiard balls.-- Terry Pratchett (The Light Fantastic)
...as opposed to Xena's paradox, which is, "How exactly can she fight in that leather outfit, and leave all of that flesh exposed, and survive?"
There are of course many problems connected with life, of which some of the most popular are `Why are people born?', `Why do they die?', `Why do they spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?' (The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"If you are a human being, you might as well face it. You are going to rub a lot of people the wrong way."-- Jane Wagner
The door opened. It opened very slowly, and with the maximum amount of creak. Simple neglect wouldn't have caused that depth of groan; you'd need careful work with hot water over a period of weeks.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
If I sit here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think I'm an engineer working on something.-- S.R. McElroy
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.-- E. B. White
"Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind."-- Terry Pratchett
...problems continue in the South African black townships. Four people were killed in violent clashes yesterday. A black spokesman said - this situation is a tragedy for our people; we get no help from the government; blacks are dying and all the whites can do is talk about cricket. [very brief pause] last night at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the South African cricket team defeated Australia in the day-night match... (A(ustralian)BC-FM news)
A age is called dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it.-- James Michener ("Space")
"And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress."-- Basil Fawlty
"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."-- Edgar Allen Poe
If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.-- Marie Osmond
Not to expose your true feelings to an adult seems to be instinctive from the age of seven or eight onwards.-- George Orwell
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.-- Augustine
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.-- Otto Von Bismarck
I thought I was in love once, and then later I thought maybe it was just an inner-ear imbalance.-- Fraser (Due South)
Magrat shivered. She told herself that a witch had absolute control over her own body, and the goosepimples under her thin nightdress were just a figment of her own imagination. The trouble was, she had an excellent imagination.-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
X-Chromosome: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs. (Cynic's Dictionary)
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.-- Albert Einstein
"The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists -- that is why they invented hell."-- Bertrand Russell
All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-- Homer Simpson
If you sat a million monkeys down at a million computers, they might just come up with a great... Oh wait... we're already doing that.-- J.P. Styskal
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.
"Hmm, pleasant effect" thought God, and flipped it off and on a few times.