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"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." (Correction Notice in the Ely Standard)
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality.
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.-- Gandhi
Proof by eminent authority: I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
"We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles."-- Mark Twain
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.-- Tom Stoppard
People must think I'm a mushroom. They constantly keep me in the dark and feed me bullshit.
Of all the truths in the world, humor is the most satisfying and often the healthiest.
Notice in a hotel lobby in Bucharest:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
Law of Cat Landing:
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
"Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones."-- Phillips Brooks
"God, so atrocious in the Old Testament, so attractive in the New--the Jekyll and Hyde of sacred romance."-- Mark Twain
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.-- Steven Wright
I want to die like my grandfather, peaceful and in my sleep - not screaming like the other people in the car.
We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection.-- Anais Nin
"The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone."-- Henrik Ibsen
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it."-- Donald E. Knuth
Law of diminishing IQ:
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
Men are all alike in their promises. It is only in their deeds that they differ.-- Moliere
Propaganda - A socially correct goose
Eat a live toad in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?-- Lily Tomlin
Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
Is not that the nature of men and women--that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?
The difference between theory and practice is greater in practice than it is in theory.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?-- Steven Wright
In the beginning was the word, and the word was "aardvark".
Arithmetic: An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries.
"Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought"-- Basho
"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists ... in the loved one, perfection."-- Sidney Poitier
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?-- Paul Simon
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. But you know most of them didn't get the joke in the first place, the lying weasels.-- Wade Kwon
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.-- Andy Tanenbaum
"Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game."-- Paul Rodriguez
Sniglet, n: Any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.-- Albert Einstein
"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.-- E. B. White
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
WARNING:
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
"They are wrong who say that love is blind. On the contrary, nothing - not even the smallest detail - escapes the eyes; one sees everything in the loved one, notices everything; but melts it all into one flame with the great and simple: �I love you.�"
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.-- Oscar Wilde
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."-- Albert Einstein
Imagination grows by exercise, and contrary to common belief, is more powerful in the mature than in the young.-- W. Somerset Maugham
Join the army: meet interesting people, then kill them.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.-- Benjamin Dana
Headline: Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.-- Elayne Boosler
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."-- Ursula K. Le Guin
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.-- Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes)
"If you weren't Cindy Crawford, you didn`t get to ride in the little cart. I saw them take her off on a little cart, and I thought, 'I'm in the wrong profession!'"-- Tori Amos (Chicago Tribune, October 8, 1992)
"Conviction is a luxury for those on the sidelines."
"Man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road."-- Alexander Smith