Quotes

17 hits

War, n: A time-tested political tactic guaranteed to raise a president's popularity rating by at least 30 points. It is especially useful during election years and economic downturns.
-- Chaz Bufe (The Devil's Dictionaries ("American Heretic's Dictionary" section))

PATRIOTISM, n:
1) The inability to distinguish between the government and one's 'country';
2) A highly praiseworthy virtue characterized by the desire to dominate and kill;
3) A feeling of exultation experienced when contemplating heaps of charred 'enemy' corpses;
4) The first, last, and perennial refuge of scoundrels.
-- Chaz Bufe (The Devil's Dictionaries ("American Heretic's Dictionary" section))

Mad, adj: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
-- Ambrose Bierce ("The Devil's Dictionary")

Peace, n: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
-- Ambrose Bierce ("The Devil's Dictionary")

Clique: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
(Cynic's Dictionary)

Math Anxiety: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
(Cynic's Dictionary)

Regrettable Necessity, n:
An avoidable atrocity. The term is often employed by presidents and prime ministers when announcing bombings of civilian targets and invasions of small countries.
-- Chaz Bufe (The Devil's Dictionaries)

Academe, n:
An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

Academy, n:
[from Academe] A modern school where football is taught.
-- Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

Quality Of Life: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
(Cynic's Dictionary)

X-Chromosome: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
(Cynic's Dictionary)

Sniglet, n: Any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.
-- Rich Hall ("Sniglets")

Angst, n: A form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon probably considered incomprehensible by those who own a recreational vehicle.
-- Rick Bayan (The Cynic's Dictionary)

Poetry is a deal of joy and pain and wonder, with a dash of the dictionary.
-- Kahlil Gibran

Abnormal, adj:
Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.
-- Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

On an American Airlines package of nuts: Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.

That's, uh, quite a dress you almost have on.
(An American in Paris)

Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words 'boss' and 'botch' were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning 'a supervisor of workers' also meant 'an ornamental stud.'