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A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist."
"However," replied the universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

-- Stephan Crane ("War is Kind," 1899)

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
-- Joan Crawford

Why does the universe go to all the bother of existing?
-- Stephen Hawking

If stupidity was a crime, honey, you'd get a life sentence.
-- Chris Stephenson

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.
-- Stephen Hawking

I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive.

She thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed.

-- Jonathan Colan

"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it."
-- Stephen Butler Leacock

The guests giggled, and floated down to the bottom of the garden to inspect the herbaceous borders, and snatch a quick snog before the crudities.
-- Stephen Foster