Quotes

42 hits

But more frustrating are the ones who say "I could never / I would never." Let's be honest--you don't know. You don't know if you'll ever win a lottery, you don't know if you'll ever be in the position where you'll have to kill someone, you don't know if you'll ever fall in love with someone, anyone, regardless of gender.
-- Elf Sternberg

Sex is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
-- Jim Rosenberg

Cornflakes are not the innocent critters they seem!
-- Sterling Morrison

I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Especially Bob Dylan.
-- Jim Rosenberg

"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them."
-- Werner Karl Heisenberg

"I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better."
-- G. C. Lichtenberg

"The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy."
-- Louis Kronenberger

When I hear someone say they give '110%' to whatever they're doing, it makes me feel good inside, because I know I'm not as big a moron as that person is.
-- Jim Rosenberg

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
-- Steven Wright

If stupidity was a crime, honey, you'd get a life sentence.
-- Chris Stephenson

Reporter to Ghandi: What do you think of western civilisation?
Ghandi: I think it would be a very good idea.

Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone.
-- G.B. Stearn

There aren't enough days in the weekend.
-- Steven Wright

If god dropped acid, would he see people?
-- Steven Wright

Coincidences are spiritual puns.
-- G. K. Chesterton

You aren't appealing to my sense of voyeurism.
-- Stevie Ulrich

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
-- Ingrid Bergman

The guests giggled, and floated down to the bottom of the garden to inspect the herbaceous borders, and snatch a quick snog before the crudities.
-- Stephen Foster

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-- Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
-- Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright

Thy sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
-- Steven Wright

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
-- Steve Wozniak

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
-- Steven Wright

"I find imperfection the most interesting thing about a person"
-- Jodi Foster

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-- Steven Wright

"It isn't premarital sex if you don't get married."
-- Michael Juster

"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
-- G. K. Chesterton

I paint what I eat. -- Chardin
I eat what I paint. -- Courbet
I eat paint. -- Van Gogh
I paint my food. -- Rauschenberg

Make the most of yourself, because that's all the self you are going to get, buster.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright

If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, it might be amor�, but I'd be more worried about the interplanetary gravitational effects from this cataclysmic event.
-- Paul Paternoster

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
-- Steven Wright

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
-- Steven Wright

Cat: Ethereal music wreathed in mystery.

Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.
-- Potter Stewart

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
-- Adlai Stevenson

Why does the universe go to all the bother of existing?
-- Stephen Hawking

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-- Steven Wright

Life may seem unfair, but Life never cheats the way people do.
-- Stewart Kramer

If common sense was so common then everyone would have it.
-- Steve Giammarco

Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.