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"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
-- Drew Carey

"Whatever sinks your boat, and gets you wet."
-- Andrew Harman

I love stress because it's a whole lot better than depression.
-- Drew Olbrich

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts — for support rather than illumination.
-- Andrew Lang

Don't ask "why" unless you're not disappointed with answers like "I don't know."
-- Andrew Walenstein

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

For most mothers, day care is a problem. I'm looking for night care, too.
-- Cathy Crimmins

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
-- Andrew Lias

"Shouldn't we be carefully placing these comics in plastic bags?"
"No, we have lives."

(MST3K)