21 hits
Every human being is capable of everything, no matter how exalted or depraved. Without twenty years of diligent domestication, it is in our nature to commit genocide, infanticide, and canabillism. And drink beer and howl at the moon.-- Donna Barr ("Desert Peach: the Good Uncle")
"There is a fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'."-- Dave Barry
"When ET left, he told Drew Barrymore to be good. Boy, is he gonna be surprised when he comes back."-- Paul Rocci
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away."-- Barry Goldwater
"Jacob Sullum has produced a thoughtful, sane, and logical analysis of our drug laws. Is that even legal?"-- Dave Barry
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it.
"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth."-- Dave Barry
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.-- Dave Barry
One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lipgrafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips; people will then be literally kissing your ass.-- Dave Barry
Accordion, n: A bagpipe with pleats.
"There are many silly superstitions about lightning, and as a result many people - maybe even you - are terrified of it. You shouldn't worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky, anytime, anywhere, and kill you."-- Dave Barry
Maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but you're not gonna stop me from having fun.-- Ani Difranco
"I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for, with a newspaper column, is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit."-- Dave Barry
I am two fools, I know, For loving, and for saying so in whining poetry.-- John Donne
Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training.-- Anna Freud
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"-- Dave Barry
"When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question: Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?"-- Lindsay Acord
"Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work."-- Clive Barker